i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

coming to terms with reality

Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...

my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one. 

on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed. 

i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit. 

other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore. 

honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better. 

-oo-

Aiden

things... more things... blah blah blah

in a strange place in life. feeling ambitious, semi motivated... but i just can't get that ummph to get going. i am working on a few major things in my personal life. trying to get my health back in order. getting my shoe life on the 21st so walking won't be an issue at all. i am hoping to be able to get a tens unit soon, too. that would help my back soooo much. it did when i used my exes. anyway... a.d.d.

working on eating smaller portions still. have been slipping up a lot more lately. but i am working on that.

i quit smoking. i am 15 days without a cigarette right now. i am using the patch and e-cigs with no actual tobacco in them. i have a blueberry flavor right now, it is actually pretty nice. kind of tastes like this blueberry cereal i had once. it's nice. :) it's great cause i can just plug it into a usb port on my computer to charge the battery again. it's really cool.

i dropped a little weight. went from 223 to 217. didn't even know i did. but hopefully next time i go into the doctor it will have dropped again. i keep hoping. :crosses fingers: i am working on walking. i started a walking group with a handful of random people in hibbing. it's pretty cool. i didn't get to go the first time because i was sick in bed with stomach issues [we are pretty sure i have ibs] so i couldn't make it. but i heard it was pretty fun :) but i plan on going this next time. hopefully my stomach will calm the hell down.

there are a lot of things that i need to do. i need to work on thing with my laziness, my lack of motivation, my fear of failure AND success, and so forth. i need to get back into therapy so tomorrow i am calling in and setting up an appointment with someone my old therapist recommended. so, we will see what happens, i suppose. the sooner the better, though.

but my biggest issue now is letting myself fail but still getting back up and fighting just as hard as i was in the first place. i am at the point where i just give up and stop doing anything remotely like what i was doing. i think that is why i have nothing to do. i restricted myself from doing so many things when i was with my ex. she really dragged my soul out and beat the crap out of it. i am very lucky to have a fiance as amazing as Kat. her coming into my life was the biggest and best moment of my life. and when we get married, i will be the proudest husband in the world to say she is my wife and i know that she actually loves me. it won't be awhile til we were to get married anyway. not doing it until after my top surgery is done. i refuse to get married with my ee's. not gonna happen.

pride is coming up soon so excited about that. it's gonna be a good one this year, too. was hoping for a room for just kat and i and it didnt work out as planned, but it is still gonna be a ton of fun! i really really hope so. lmao. trying to get my art into the art exhibit but still not hearing from anyone at this point so, i dunno. we'll see, i guess.

i feel things changing slowly inside my head, i like it. i like the changes i am making in my life. finding spirituality... gaining some motivation to start trying harder at the food issues and trying to motivate myself to work out. i am surprised at myself and i really like it. this is the way i used to be. i am hoping that this is going to stay cause i am sick of being stuck in a rut that i can't get out of on my own. i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. i want to change things. thing is that i always say i want things to be different, i wish they were... but not i am acting towards making those thoughts, dreams, hopes into a reality or at least close to it. in order to lose weight you have to find some kind of way to lose weight. walking is a great way to walk. there for, go walking with  my friends. that one, i have covered. i am just not sure about what else i could do to work out. maybe when i wake up every morning [setting a new schedule] i could lift my 5 lb weights, take a shower. i dunno. gotta find some things to do. keep myself occupied!

i am really hoping that we are able to get a loan so that kat can buy a house and we will have a home that we can live in til we decide to move after aedan graduates high school. all i know is that i am truly hoping that we will be able to get a decent loan so that we can take a look at a few houses that i have seen as an option. i really would like to have my own art/ work room. i would be active all the time. i could get income, i bet just for my art and things like that. i want that. i want to be able to work as an artist but i need to get back into drawing on a daily basis. that is something i keep saying that i will do but i really do need to do that. i need to. this is my passion and i need to stop fluffing off. i am 28, not getting any younger and i am broke as fuck and about to lose my food stamps. so, yeah... but trying not to focus on the bad things. i am trying to ignore them and try to make things more positive. i have to start or it will just stay crappy and mopey. i refuse to do that for the rest of my life.

ok, i am rambling beyond belief. half of this probably doesn't even make sense but yeah. lol. i should go to sleep. kind of didn't realize what time it is.

-oo-
Aiden

i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.

-A

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time
-A

counting down to my birthday...

16 days until my birthday today. can't believe that i am going to be 28 in 16 days. where have all the years gone? makes me worry about how little i have achieved, how little i have done in my life knowing that i could have gone further with my art, my schooling, my life in general. i can't complain completely because witout going through everything i have gone through, i wouldn't be where i am right now, with the love of my life, etc. i just truly wonder what could have been if i would have stuck with things, if i would have put in the effort and not let my mental illnesses get the best of me for so long. i dunno.

i have been trying to get my life back into order, but i got sick and have been having issues with my tooth. so, it has made it tough to do anything. plus, i have gotten addicted to a few sites and have been using my new laptop CONSTANTLY. so, i am going to try to get back into my drawing, i want to try to do a drawing a day for 365 days. i will try to get started on that. if i do, i will be sure to post them on here and on my art profile on facebook, HERE. please make sure to comment and like my things that you like. any kind of feedback is very helpful, for serious. i am really going to try to kick my ass into doing this. and if i miss a day, i am going to draw as many things as i need to in order to make up for the days that i have missed.

so, i also need to make a new youtube video. i kept saying i was waiting to get my hair cut but i honestly don't know when that is going to be SO i am going to just go ahead and make one with a hat on or something. haha. i owe a BUNCH of people videos and i just need to update things, anyway, cause i have been on t for OVER a year and the last video i made was over 4 months ago... it is far overdue. i need to learn to stop procrastinating. both kat and i have noticed that we have been doing that a lot and are trying to get out of that habit. so, i am going to have to make a list of things to do every day, every week, etc. and try to do my best to keep to it. if people notice i am not doing the things that i say i am going to do, call me out on my shit. i need people to do that sometimes because i tend to forget or just not get the ambition because i don't think people are watching, reading, or looking at the things that i do. i know there are some but no one ever comments on anything, so it makes me question if people are actually paying any attention to it,  you know?

let's see, anything else to write about? OH! i am going to try to 'kidnap' my ex's daughter, who i still consider my kid, and see if she wants to spend a night not this next weekend but the one after. i haven't seen her since my ex and i broke up over 2 years ago. i finally started talking to her again a few months ago after sending her a letter apologizing for everything and how i hadn't talked to her. i miss that kid. she was like my child for over two years and i love her so much. she started calling me daddy when my ex and i were together and the first time she called me that i almost cried because for an 11 year old to even say that, realized i am transgender and accept that... that is amazing. that kid is one of the best kids. she is crazy, kind of a mini me, in a way. haha

so, i have noticed that my anxiety has been a lot higher as of late. i am not sure why, but there are things giving me anxiety. part of it is probably because i am trying to force myself to do things, which i need to do anyway, and i really realized that i HAVE to do this. i HAVE to push myself through the anxiety, the frustration, etc. i NEED it. i need to feel better about myself and the only way for that to happen is for me to start kicking my own ass. and i am going to talk to kat and see if she can help me, if she remembers. lol. her memory is kind of as bad as mine, to be honest. but i know i have to do this. that is why i am going to make some signs and things to put around the house to remind me... so i can't say i forgot. i am finally remembering to take my meds every day so that is something i don't have to worry about putting up on the wall.

well, i am thinking that is about it for right now. maybe i will get motivation to write more later. we will see.

peace out!

-aiden