i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

getting sick. caught it from kat and she got it from work. coughing, stuffed up, etc. trying to stay on track with everything. i have done research for a questionaire so i am going to post that shortly when i am done filling it out. the questions were all found on websites that were supposed to help a person discover more about themselves, get to know themselves and so forth. we will see, i guess.

i am going to be trying a bunch of different things right now that are supposed to help with self esteem, self discovery and so forth. i am hoping it will help in some way. i am going to try to talk to my therapist about all these kind of things for part of the treatment, help, ideas she may have of other things that i could try to do. i am hoping that she is helpful in that kind of way.

i am not sure what all to write about. nothing major is happening right now so i will just go ahead and finish that so i can post it. 

-A

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.

-aiden