i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

it's time

         a lot of things are changing in my life. i have been losing weight and i am not totally sure how but i am going to keep trying to make it better. i am starting to eat better, i am going to be doing some minor working out until my body is ready for me to move forward with more. 

         i have realized that in order for things to be a major change i have to make the MAJOR changes myself. i am working on it and i am done saying i am working but never following through. i want to be able to be proud of where i am in my life. physically and mentally. 

         i am starting to work more on my artwork. maybe not as much as i could or should but baby steps are all i need at this point. maybe a drawing every few days, even if it is just a little doodle. things have to happen or i am stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life and i refuse to do that. 

         going to be trying to get a gym membership soon if money allows. i am ready for this step and i have been for awhile but now i REALLY am ready and i am going to do the best that i can to keep going in the right direction. people may not understand why it is so hard for me to work out at home or anything like that but for some reason i just don't have the motivation without the work out gear, being surrounded by other people working out, without having my headphones on and able to escape the world. i am really really hoping that all of that works out and will be able to happen. 

         the weather is getting a little better and i have taken two walks in the last month across town. it may not have been as long of a walk as most people walk but it was something. something that i wouldn't do if our car was still running. there are times where i really wish that the car was working but at the same time i am thinking that walking with colby or in general will be helpful. i am hoping to start walking with him maybe once or twice a week and go from there. 

         i am not sure what else to write about at this point but just wanting to update since i have been lazy about blogging lately. going to be making a video pretty soon, i believe... so we will see. lol

                           -Aiden

catching up and setting up

right now i am in the process of figuring out the things i need to do over the next week. i need to complete at least half of the things on the list but the more the better. i am working on trying to push things forward with my art business. i need to set things up more business like. make the files, the artwork, the business cards, try to get a website, set up accounts and stay up to date with them, and so much more. i need to start treating like it is actually a true job. it will help get things off of the ground. and i am hoping to at least get someone else who is willing to help with some of it, at least. some people who are willing to spread the word about my artwork. i want to kind of create a street team. but before that i need to start creating more and more work. i have to get to it. i need to buck up and try to make this work somehow.

did another testosterone shot again today. they are getting easier and easier every time since i started to do the shots in the arm. i flinch less. they hurt a bit afterwards but if i just massage it and not baby it too much just use it... it isn't bad. i flinch everywhere else that we have tried to do the shots and this seems to be the spot. so, on my other arm i am thinking that i will have some kind of area that is used for the needle to be a tattoo. the octopus on my right arm gets poked near the eye and it works just great. :) so just need something on the other arm. maybe get something on my thighs just in case i need to do the shots myself at some point. i still am determined to be able to do shots myself.

i am working on setting plans for working out and so forth. setting a schedule so i don't over do it right off the bat, like i tend to do. haha

gonna have to buckle down on this whole making things a business. getting the word out about my work. and i need to kill it on the artwork. fast. i gotta push some shit out FAST. i know i can do it. just gonna have to kick my own ass into gear and try to have people harass me all the time. i am sure kat would work it out for me that she would try to do that as often as she could. we will see.

my art facebook page

things are going to start happening. they have to. i am sick of doing nothing all the time. 

peace out. haha
-Aiden

new ideas and new ambitions

so, i am going to try to work on this page and turning it into a website. doing the best that i can with this site and connecting others so that i can create a full site until i can afford to at least buy a domain name and use it to link things to maybe or something. but i need to get a full site going. have something seperate for my art/ work. but have them all be connected to one home site. and this will be it.

i am turning this into my diary, my poetry journal, my picture gallery, my doodling posting area, my art, random rantings... into one chunk of this is who i am. get to know me.

i am going to be featured on a online radio show in april and am very excited for that. so, the self promoting will begin along with some q & a with two great friends of mine. this is a transition radio station and they interview people with interesting stories, a few decently well known people, and some great conversation. i will admit that i am very nervous because it is live and on the phone. so i am going to have to try very hard to stay focused, not move around a whole lot and try not to go a.d.d. too much. i have to write up a short bio of myself and they come up with the questions. man, i just... i do want to do it for sure... it would be something very awesome, i think. get my name out there and just tell about myself, my art, my writing, etc.

i am trying to be more active on facebook while trying to look for a job. i have decided that i need to try to hold a job down... at least get one. but i will not work in fast food. so i am going to try to put my art skills to work and see what i can do to get some kind of income for creating tattoos, posters for bands, cd covers, stickers, tshirts, logos, etc. this is what i have always wanted to do... i need to focus my ideas into one spot and do it. so, i am going to start my lists of band names, song titles, cd names, etc. then start putting together the booklets, covers, logos, etc. have these in sample folders in my page on facebook. well, damn. that was a good idea. i should start working on that stuff tonight, i think.

so, i am working on taking this into action. i might as well, since i have the time. why not use it to work on getting things started so maybe i can make some extra money.

let's see... it was an amazing day today. just everything was awesome. it was a beautiful day out, 47 degrees. drove around with both windows down and not feeling like i would freeze to death... even in a tshirt! it was sweet. i love that the weather is starting to get better. i can't wait til all the snow is gone completely. that will be an awesome day for sure. i always get excited for spring even though i am allregic to fresh cut grass which means my allergies act up a lot... but i still love watching nothing but white and black turn to brown slowly and blooming into green and purples and yellows and oranges and reds.... it is just amazing. i love color and i love the color in that transition. i wonder if i would be better living in somewhere where it was sunny more often, only problem with that... the heat would be up and i would burn a lot. and i hate heat. i just wonder, cause if i lived in somewhere like florida... how maybe my depression would be a lot lower. it would be just amazing. but could i actually live there?

anyway. i am not sure why i just went into that tangent but there ya go, something to read.

well, i am going to go work on my lists and making some cool stuff for myself. to post on my pages and so forth.

-aiden

time with friends

so, i have begun to realize lately that i am becoming anti-social and a shut in... again. i am trying very hard to not be that way but for some reason i always find myself back in this same situation. i even stopped being online. just sat around not really doing much of anything. how did i become THAT guy? i don't like the way my life is headed so i am going to start trying to make the changes, even if slowly, i need to become the man i know i can be.

i am going to step up for this possible job. i am going to call tomorrow and talk to them about the application i put in and seeing if they were willing to give me an interview or something. i honestly can say that i actually WANT this job. first time since when i worked at michael's... i actually WANT a job.

i am going to work harder at making sure i draw at least a few times a week, maybe even once a day. making sure i post things to my profiles, my art sites, etc. i need to get my creative juices flowing again like they used to be before. when i was angry, i drew... when i was sad, i drew... i need to start getting like that again.

i am going to step up in try to SELL and start producing buyable art. possibly try to get a few clients for tattoo designs and so forth. start charging for things. even if it is on my paypal or something like that. i have ideas.

i am going to try to take better care of myself. this is not just eating. try to do my hair, even if i am not going out. take better care of my skin, use some body and face wash again. just take better all around care of me.

i want to make this all happen. i will clearly have to take some baby steps but this is something that i really want to do and i think that i can do it if i put my heart and soul and effort into it. it will be hard to keep myself motivated in the beginning but if it keeps going and begins a real art career... i will be much more motivated. but i need to rough out the early parts... have to build a fanbase, step one.

i really know i need to do this and hopefully things will start to get better from here.

-aiden

so, back to this blogging thing... again

so, normally, i don't do the blogging thing much anymore but i realize that is something that i used to love to do and kept up on. so, i am going to go ahead and try to do this all again.

engaged. never thought i would be engaged for serious. there were those times back in the day when i talked to people about getting married and we threw it around but it was never serious. now, i am engaged to an amazing woman, kat. we have a car. we live in a decent apartment even though we plan on getting somewhere better hopefully within the next year. we have 2 cats that are hilarious and cute, a dog who drives us nuts but makes us laugh a lot, and two fiesty little ferrets and a insanely unique little kid, [kat's son, aedan]. our life together has been pretty great so far and i look forward to the rest of my life with her.

Kat and I with our new car. 2005 Hyandai Sonota.

i have been on testosterone for over a year and a month now. a lot has been changing. my voice dropped, more hair growing everywhere, acne, sexual levels are shifting, always hungry... my depression as gotten a little better but my anxiety has gone up a little bit. i am beginning to feel more and more comfortable in my skin and mentally things are starting to line up.

pre-t. 1 year on t.

i am not sure what all to write about right now. i will work on a survey or something right now to kind of do a 'when i first started this blog this is where i was in my life' kind of thing.

tadda.

-magic pants out-