this world is spinning

so, the last two days have been crazy. last night we went to fireworks in nashwauk. then i dropped \kat off for work in chisholm then drove back to nashwauk because i got to see my 'daughter' for the first time in about 3 years. she couldn't stop hugging me and we talked and talked and talked. she is already taller than me and is already 13. so crazy. is on tumbler all the time and youtube. just so strange from the little girl i remember her is. she is growing into a woman. a beautiful woman. and she still has me in her phone as dad. :) that means the world to me.

went to two parades today, didn't burn but my rashes broke out on my arms. but all in all it wasn't bad at all. i had my sph 50 on, sunglasses, a golf sized rainbow unbrella. i am prepped. and like 4 bottles of water. haha

i have decided to quit smoking. i am doing it slowly but i am doing it.

i am nervous as hell about meeting my new therapist and i have no idea what to say to her, what to bring up... i just worry. its a whole new person so i am wondering if it would go good, but then it could go back really really bad. ugh, i am too nervous about it.

so i am sighing up for free magazines everywhere and i am basically collecting old magazines and finding ways to use them for my artwork. i am so excited for this to happen. i have so many ideas. EEEE. i need to get some new paper, too, but i will not worry about that one just yet.

i am trying to turn all my energy to my art and blogging and all that goes along with my art. need to get the scanner working soon. that will be helpful so my pictures will look must more professional. i am excited to have my artwork to be more professional looking. and now i also have to try to find other ideas. i have to keep my creativity going or it loses momentum and i just give up at some point. i hate that it happens, but i know it does and i am trying to change that.

trying to eat less. made about half less of the chicken nuggets than i normally would. i wonder if i can even finish it. i am trying really hard to control portions. those random binges are killing me though. that is the stuff i need to get figued out and worked on.

-A

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!
-Aiden

a copy of my countdown to my birthday [2013]

18 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY....
as promised, here is a random thing about me for day 19. there will be a random thing posted every day until my birthday. some things people may know who are close to me, some no one may know... 

i was in ballet from the age of 3-13. i was in ballet, tap, jazz, modern and baton. here is one of the pictures i was able to find for you to laugh at... ENJOY


17 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY...
i was born Megan Lynne Kilgore. i am an only child, an only grandchild for my grandfather because my mom had a different father than the rest of my aunts and uncles.


16 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY...
i have a weird love for redheads. whether they are guys, girls, animals, etc. some of my favorite actors and actresses are redheads. some of my favorite redheads are:
Marg Helgenberger, kate winslet, Julianne Moore, Susan Sarandon, Geri Halliwell,Bernadette Peters, Ann Margaret, Conan O'Brien, Nicole Kidman, Gillian Anderson,Lindsay Lohan [before she went all cracked out and crazy and shit], Isla Lang Fisher, Amy Adams, Emma Stone, Willie Nelson, David Caruso, Seth Green, Michael C. Hall [yeah, a natural redhead believe it or not], Danny Elfman [to most amazing composer... has been involved in pretty much EVERY tim burton movie...], Adam Savage, Alan Tudyk, Damian Lewis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Louis C.K., Bette Middler, Rupert Grint!!!,Simon Pegg, Tilda Swinton, Reba McEntire, Kathy Griffin, Zack Ward, Carol Burnett, Debbie Reynolds, Frances Fisher, JUDY GARLAND, Amy Yasbeck, Annette Bening, Alyson Hannigan, Gates McFadden [who was my first ever crush] ...

there are a TON more but i am going to leave it there cause there are already three of these. haha. but, like i said... 
i ♥ redheads... not sure why... but have my entire life

15 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
some of my favorite movies are:
ELF, pitch perfect, shaun of the dead, the high school musical movies, the wizard of oz, a star is born [the judy garland version], pretty much anything tim burton, smiley face, the toy story movies, hedwig and the angry inch, fear and loathing in las vegas, breakfast club, donny darko, all the batman movies, house bunny, sucker punch, reefer madness [newer one], the alien series, THOR!, chicago, grumpy and grumpier old men, mean girls, the cell, a bunch more...


14 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
i have been to college twice. once for my generals and once for graphic design. i failed out the first time adn the second time i was going to take a break because i was working overnight at a group home and couldn't stay awake during the classes. but, i learned a lot of good things from the short amount of time i was in college and it has helped me in my artwork and also in knowledge of psychology :)


13 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
i was in all advanced classes until i was in 5th grade. then i was put into classes at my grade level. by seventh grade i was supposed to fail but i was moved from washington to minnesota and they let me go to the eighth grade... and i failed the eighth grade. i was 19 when i graduated... and i BARELY graduated. i am pretty sure they graduated me cause i was annoying them. lol


12 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!
i have had animals all of my life. i have had cats, dogs, ferrets, rabbits, rats, hamsters, asian dwarves, a salamander, frogs, fish, and lots of stuffed animals. i love animals and my mom does as well, which is why i was raised around animals and have almost always had an animal in my life. they make my life so much better, give me laughs, snuggles, love, make me accountable for something and someone... i love them. even though they like to destroy things..


11 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
i have eczema. i also have one leg longer than the other, one foot a half a shoe size bigger than the other, my one arm is longer than the other and my hair grows faster on the same side, as well. i have depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized high anxiety, and ptsd. i have a bad back and hip due to my leg being longer than the other and my large chest [EE cups].


10 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
some of my favorite random things are:
unicorns, phoenix, glitter, batman, zombies, hello kitty, rainbows, blacklights, glow-in-the-dark stuff, bracelets, drawing, writing, laughing, coloring, stickers [particularly bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, etc.], neon colors, sock monkeys, squirrels, jelly fish, seahorses, christmas lights, halloween, snuggles, british accents, fuzzy posters, listening to music, playing my guitar or drums, octopus, my teddy bear people that i draw, buddha, moonstone, opal, opalite, being creative, tattoos, piercings and a ton of other random things


9 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
i used to write poetry and short stories all the time. i am in the process of trying to work on that again. i wrote poetry, journaled and wrote stories since i was about 9 and stopped around the time was 21. i have about two 3 inch 3 ring binders full of my poetry and writing, plus all of the random journals that i have written in [about 7]. writing and art are the biggest things in my life. 



8 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
i dislike having my picture taken, pickles, mustard, sour kraut, mushrooms, olives, peppers, coconut, almonds, wide ruled paper, when my favorite pens die, getting nothing but junk mail [that is why i am a pen pal with a handful of my friends], misplacing things, running out of cigarettes or having cigarettes and no lighter, forgetting what i am saying in the middle of what i am saying, reading out loud, my chest, when my cats dart of the apartment, wet socks, forgetting someone's name hat i KNOW that i have meta few times, being broke, the doctor's office, hospitals, clinics, shopping in stores during the day, working fast food, car trouble, criticism [which is a part of my biggest flaws], running into walls/ doorways... and a TON more...


7 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!
i have been pen paling since i was about 12 years old. i love writing letters and getting letters in the mail. yes, we have facebook and email and everything but i like the old fashioned pen and paper letters. it's much more personal and i feel you get a different connection. i have always had at least one pen pal since then. sometimes i end up with about 10, which i think is about how many i have right now, but i always manage to keep things in order for the most part. 


6 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
i collect batman things, anything with the green three eyed aliens from the toy story movies, zombie movies, pens and other things that glow under blacklight, stickers [bumper stickers, band stickers, skateboard stickers, etc], squirrel things, sock monkeys, glittery things, bracelets, hats, movies, gel pens/ pens that write really nice, i used to collect journals... not sure why... and a bunch of other random things. but i am trying to cut down on the things that i collect and try to stick with a few things since i have an obscene amount of things... 



5 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!
i have a weird obsession with handwriting. i wanted to go to school for graphology, which is the pseudoscientific study and analysis of handwriting, especially in relation to human psychology. i like to read and analyze peoples handwriting. i don't know a whole lot about it but i have always been fascinated by how different everyone's handwriting can be. i have been known to change my handwriting over time. sometimes i like to do it just for a change but i like to be able to see how different i can make my writing and see if other people can tell if it was me. 


4 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
my dream job since i was about 12 years old was to be an creative director. i would like to be able to design cd booklets, posters, handouts for bands, stickers, patches... it would involve brainstorming with the people i am creating for, creating a theme, helping to create an artistic style for the band or singer. i would work to focus on what would appeal to audiences but still represent who i am working for. there are lots of ways you could be a creative director... television shows, movies, band things, book covers, music videos, video games, advertising, films, music, fashion and much more. but i have always wanted to do things for bands. things like stickers, tshirts, cd booklets, cd designs, patches, logos for the bands, etc. that is my IDEAL job.


3 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
i am fascinated by skeletons especially in xrays. i sometimes google xrays and just look at the human body like that. i am always amused with the ones where people et things stuck inside themselves. whether they get something stuck in their throat, in their butt, in their stomach... i find xrays amazingly interesting. i don't know much about the human body because i never took anatomy but i still am amazed. 



2 DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!
i come from a large family on both sides. my mom has 6 half siblings and my dad has 5 siblings. each of my aunts and uncles [other than one] has a minimum of 2 children each. i am the only only child in the entire family. on my mom's side of the family i am the youngest cousin by about 14 years while on my dad's side i am the oldest by about 7 years. i have no cousins near my age. 

i have always wondered what it would be like to have siblings. i have a step sister who is the closest to that but we haven't talked much since we were both in high school and now that i am transitioning she doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, so i have adopted some of my friends as my siblings :)

1 DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY!!
i am afraid of success. for so long in my life, knowing i have some talent, i have held myself down from really dedicating myself to the things that i love, the things i could get money for and the things that are actually liked by other people. for some reason i have always had issues with ruining my chances at things, like procrastinating so much that i miss deadlines of things, writing things down but never in the same place so i lose track of all the things that people want me to do for them. 

i am hoping that i can push myself through this issue of not allowing myself to succeed. 

spring cleaning

i have been spending days slowly getting rid of more things here and there. i have lots of random things that i am going to sell on my listia account and some that i am selling on my local facebook group that is kind of like craigslist. some of it will be for cash, but the listia account is credits that i can use to get other things for free. i have gotten a TON of stickers off of there for my art desk. i love it. it is a GREAT website. if anyone who is reading this HASN'T checked it out, seriously... check it out. everything is free, except for the occasional shipping fee if you don't filter with just free shipping. i never do anything without free shipping. no, i take that back, i did pay shipping for ONE sticker cause it was TOTALLY worth it. haha




other than that, everything is slowly moving. i am trying to catch up on my letters, even though i don't have stamps to send anything out, but i am hoping i get birthday money from my dad or grandma or something and can use that to get some stamps cause i need them to be able to send out the things i have already auctioned off. and in order for me to be able to post any more auctions to be able to get more credits to buy things, i need to be able to ship things to people. normally that is not all that expensive to send things out but i need stamps to at least send out the stickers i am auctioning off. i have been getting rid of the random stickers that i have in my sticker box since i don't use a HUGE chunk of them anyway.

i am going to be making little mini business cards to send with eaach of my things that i send to people. and then when i auction off or sell any of my artwork i can send that with, as well. :) i have ideas for sure.

let's see... what else... well, my depression and everything else is doing pretty well, other than my anxiety. i am used to that for the most part, though. i take meds for it and they tend to help but not always. i try to not take them all the time because they can be addictive and i don't need to be addicted to anything else again. not going down that road again... been to treatment twice and i am SO ok with not going back. haha

i am going to take pictures of all the stickers that i have gotten. and NOTE... they have ALL been free.

the stack 

section one

section 2

section 3

section 4

section 5

YUP. ALL of those were free. a handful were from some friends of mine but the rest were from going online to random sites and listia. i am still getting more in the mail every day. and i will tell you right now... i can't WAIT to put all of them on my desk. i am in the process of cleaning off the desk so that we can move it to the center of the bedroom so i can load them puppies on there. but i am waiting as i get them so i can put the not as cool ones on the bottom and the cooler ones on the top :) i am way too excited about this. i have a sticker problem... i admit it. one of these days i need to take pictures of all of the things i have covered in stickers so i can show people all the stickers i already had ON things. haha.

well, i have to go pick up the lady from work so i will get back to this later, probably.

peace out
-aiden

IN NEED OF STICKERS!

so, i am going through things and getting rid of things i don't need and don't want anymore. i am trying to thin things out and hopefully it will make life a little simpler. i am sick of being surrounded by tons of things that i never use, things that are taking up space where i could be using for my art things. my art desk is completely covered with stuff and it has been for a long time. after my desktop started having problems and i stopped using it... it just ended up being a table to throw everything on. i want to clean it off and set up my art things there and use it an as art desk again. what it is for. 

i am getting more and more stickers on that site i have been using a lot lately, Listia. and the best thing is they are all free. so far i haven't paid a penny for anything i am getting. i love it. i am always searching for free stickers. bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, decals, band stickers, company stickers, polotician stickers, those stickers from the quarter machines in the grocery store... all i am doing is covering my art desk. i am covering it 100% so i am in need of a LOT of stickers so i am always trying to find sites with free stickers and Listia is pretty awesome, plus i have found a few other ways to get free stickers so i am working on getting more and more. i am trying to get my friends to find any that they can find so i can throw them on there, too. best part is i am not picky at all. haha

i am going to go online later and try to find some more free stickers. i will figure it out cause i plan on getting more. i need to get some more stamps though cause i am kind of running low on them at the moment and i will need them for listia plus for some of the sticker things where i need to send in a  self addressed stamped envelope. so, hopefully i will be able to get a list of those and slowly go down them when i have money. i am going to have to send emails and ask how big of envelopes i need. i am hoping i get a LOT of stickers from some of them cause some give you at least 6. that would be awesome. i am going to have to buy some better ones to stick on the top of the ones that i am putting on there right now. right now, i am just trying to cover the majority of the actual surface of the desk. i have it all planned out, just need the stickers to do it. i am trying to hold off on the good ones right now. i am having a hard time not putting them on all kinds of other things... lol. i have a few boxes and stuff that i keep wanting to put them on but i need to save them for the desk. i also am going to need to find a way to fix the desk in the few spots where it is kind of falling apart. i wish i had a more stable desk that i could have started this all on but i will deal with what i have and try to keep fixing it up the best that i can. 

man, i am warm. i turned the heater up and now i can tell. i am getting warm. doesn't help that i am wearing pants AND socks. normally i just walk around in my boxers. haha. 

well, i am going to go for now, not sure what else to write so i will try to write more later after i look for some more free stickers. :)

-aiden

new ideas and new ambitions

so, i am going to try to work on this page and turning it into a website. doing the best that i can with this site and connecting others so that i can create a full site until i can afford to at least buy a domain name and use it to link things to maybe or something. but i need to get a full site going. have something seperate for my art/ work. but have them all be connected to one home site. and this will be it.

i am turning this into my diary, my poetry journal, my picture gallery, my doodling posting area, my art, random rantings... into one chunk of this is who i am. get to know me.

i am going to be featured on a online radio show in april and am very excited for that. so, the self promoting will begin along with some q & a with two great friends of mine. this is a transition radio station and they interview people with interesting stories, a few decently well known people, and some great conversation. i will admit that i am very nervous because it is live and on the phone. so i am going to have to try very hard to stay focused, not move around a whole lot and try not to go a.d.d. too much. i have to write up a short bio of myself and they come up with the questions. man, i just... i do want to do it for sure... it would be something very awesome, i think. get my name out there and just tell about myself, my art, my writing, etc.

i am trying to be more active on facebook while trying to look for a job. i have decided that i need to try to hold a job down... at least get one. but i will not work in fast food. so i am going to try to put my art skills to work and see what i can do to get some kind of income for creating tattoos, posters for bands, cd covers, stickers, tshirts, logos, etc. this is what i have always wanted to do... i need to focus my ideas into one spot and do it. so, i am going to start my lists of band names, song titles, cd names, etc. then start putting together the booklets, covers, logos, etc. have these in sample folders in my page on facebook. well, damn. that was a good idea. i should start working on that stuff tonight, i think.

so, i am working on taking this into action. i might as well, since i have the time. why not use it to work on getting things started so maybe i can make some extra money.

let's see... it was an amazing day today. just everything was awesome. it was a beautiful day out, 47 degrees. drove around with both windows down and not feeling like i would freeze to death... even in a tshirt! it was sweet. i love that the weather is starting to get better. i can't wait til all the snow is gone completely. that will be an awesome day for sure. i always get excited for spring even though i am allregic to fresh cut grass which means my allergies act up a lot... but i still love watching nothing but white and black turn to brown slowly and blooming into green and purples and yellows and oranges and reds.... it is just amazing. i love color and i love the color in that transition. i wonder if i would be better living in somewhere where it was sunny more often, only problem with that... the heat would be up and i would burn a lot. and i hate heat. i just wonder, cause if i lived in somewhere like florida... how maybe my depression would be a lot lower. it would be just amazing. but could i actually live there?

anyway. i am not sure why i just went into that tangent but there ya go, something to read.

well, i am going to go work on my lists and making some cool stuff for myself. to post on my pages and so forth.

-aiden

ALL my LINKS and xbox screen name

GROUPS ON FACEBOOK

i have a 420 group but you must be listed as my friend to be added to this group. i also have another one for ftm guys in the state of minnesota.
if you are interested in either please let me know on facebook.
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for my fellow zombie addicted ladies and gentlemen. all zombies.
Zombie Addicts Anonymous

gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and allies loving in minnesota
GLBTA Minnesota

people who love, live and breathe batman. or just really like him.
Batman Addicts Anonymous




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