I feel a change in the wind, my friend...

Alright, so there are some pretty interesting things happening for me since I have written last.

I recently purchased a gc2b binder and have never been happier with a binder. I got the right size from my guess and the first time I tried it on I was so happy. It is FAR more comfortable than the other ones that I have used over the years. And it actually wasn't expensive, which is even cooler to me.

Then I got packing briefs finally and too many failed attempts at making my own. I love it. I feel much more comfortable when I go places. I am loving being able to use my packer. I have had it for over a year and had never used it in reality.

And in other news, we did some grocery shopping and I grabbed a ton of fruit and some healthier things for me to eat. I am trying to make plans to make things work better in my health. I am trying to eat a little less and better. I had to stop my cholesterol med cause it was having issues with my liver. So, i am doing things to deal with that.

I forced myself to fill out some paperwork, wrote a letter, did some reading, did some laundry with Kat, cleaned a good quarter of the room... I am trying to figure out things to keep me going. I will write more in awhile. I am going to try to help get Aedan ready for bed.

-oo-

to donate anything towards my top surgery

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/79h5/aiden-willows-top-surgery-funding

fundraising page in progress

i am working on setting up a fundraising page where all of my fundraising, contributions and so forth will be centralized so they are easier to keep track of.

http://wtsf-ftm.blogspot.com/

please check it out. i do not have the sites to contribute or purchase anything finished yet but i will have them done soon and i will be letting people know as soon as they are ready to get going.

random other things happening but nothing major at the moment. getting more stickers in the mail still, free magazines, samples and so forth. enjoying writing emails to companies and getting free products, catalogues, stickers and everything the like. i have an awesome collection of stickers for when i start my art desk but i am not starting one until we figure out where we are moving.

kat got promoted so we are for sure going to move. we are hoping to get a three bedroom so that i will be able to have an office to work on my artwork and writing in a space that is set up to do so that the child and animals can not get to. i am hoping that all goes as planned. we will see how everything goes, i suppose.

well, gonna have to get ready to go pick up kat from work so i will write more later.

-AW

i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.

-A

this world is spinning

so, the last two days have been crazy. last night we went to fireworks in nashwauk. then i dropped \kat off for work in chisholm then drove back to nashwauk because i got to see my 'daughter' for the first time in about 3 years. she couldn't stop hugging me and we talked and talked and talked. she is already taller than me and is already 13. so crazy. is on tumbler all the time and youtube. just so strange from the little girl i remember her is. she is growing into a woman. a beautiful woman. and she still has me in her phone as dad. :) that means the world to me.

went to two parades today, didn't burn but my rashes broke out on my arms. but all in all it wasn't bad at all. i had my sph 50 on, sunglasses, a golf sized rainbow unbrella. i am prepped. and like 4 bottles of water. haha

i have decided to quit smoking. i am doing it slowly but i am doing it.

i am nervous as hell about meeting my new therapist and i have no idea what to say to her, what to bring up... i just worry. its a whole new person so i am wondering if it would go good, but then it could go back really really bad. ugh, i am too nervous about it.

so i am sighing up for free magazines everywhere and i am basically collecting old magazines and finding ways to use them for my artwork. i am so excited for this to happen. i have so many ideas. EEEE. i need to get some new paper, too, but i will not worry about that one just yet.

i am trying to turn all my energy to my art and blogging and all that goes along with my art. need to get the scanner working soon. that will be helpful so my pictures will look must more professional. i am excited to have my artwork to be more professional looking. and now i also have to try to find other ideas. i have to keep my creativity going or it loses momentum and i just give up at some point. i hate that it happens, but i know it does and i am trying to change that.

trying to eat less. made about half less of the chicken nuggets than i normally would. i wonder if i can even finish it. i am trying really hard to control portions. those random binges are killing me though. that is the stuff i need to get figued out and worked on.

-A

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!
-Aiden

spring cleaning

i have been spending days slowly getting rid of more things here and there. i have lots of random things that i am going to sell on my listia account and some that i am selling on my local facebook group that is kind of like craigslist. some of it will be for cash, but the listia account is credits that i can use to get other things for free. i have gotten a TON of stickers off of there for my art desk. i love it. it is a GREAT website. if anyone who is reading this HASN'T checked it out, seriously... check it out. everything is free, except for the occasional shipping fee if you don't filter with just free shipping. i never do anything without free shipping. no, i take that back, i did pay shipping for ONE sticker cause it was TOTALLY worth it. haha




other than that, everything is slowly moving. i am trying to catch up on my letters, even though i don't have stamps to send anything out, but i am hoping i get birthday money from my dad or grandma or something and can use that to get some stamps cause i need them to be able to send out the things i have already auctioned off. and in order for me to be able to post any more auctions to be able to get more credits to buy things, i need to be able to ship things to people. normally that is not all that expensive to send things out but i need stamps to at least send out the stickers i am auctioning off. i have been getting rid of the random stickers that i have in my sticker box since i don't use a HUGE chunk of them anyway.

i am going to be making little mini business cards to send with eaach of my things that i send to people. and then when i auction off or sell any of my artwork i can send that with, as well. :) i have ideas for sure.

let's see... what else... well, my depression and everything else is doing pretty well, other than my anxiety. i am used to that for the most part, though. i take meds for it and they tend to help but not always. i try to not take them all the time because they can be addictive and i don't need to be addicted to anything else again. not going down that road again... been to treatment twice and i am SO ok with not going back. haha

i am going to take pictures of all the stickers that i have gotten. and NOTE... they have ALL been free.

the stack 

section one

section 2

section 3

section 4

section 5

YUP. ALL of those were free. a handful were from some friends of mine but the rest were from going online to random sites and listia. i am still getting more in the mail every day. and i will tell you right now... i can't WAIT to put all of them on my desk. i am in the process of cleaning off the desk so that we can move it to the center of the bedroom so i can load them puppies on there. but i am waiting as i get them so i can put the not as cool ones on the bottom and the cooler ones on the top :) i am way too excited about this. i have a sticker problem... i admit it. one of these days i need to take pictures of all of the things i have covered in stickers so i can show people all the stickers i already had ON things. haha.

well, i have to go pick up the lady from work so i will get back to this later, probably.

peace out
-aiden

IN NEED OF STICKERS!

so, i am going through things and getting rid of things i don't need and don't want anymore. i am trying to thin things out and hopefully it will make life a little simpler. i am sick of being surrounded by tons of things that i never use, things that are taking up space where i could be using for my art things. my art desk is completely covered with stuff and it has been for a long time. after my desktop started having problems and i stopped using it... it just ended up being a table to throw everything on. i want to clean it off and set up my art things there and use it an as art desk again. what it is for. 

i am getting more and more stickers on that site i have been using a lot lately, Listia. and the best thing is they are all free. so far i haven't paid a penny for anything i am getting. i love it. i am always searching for free stickers. bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, decals, band stickers, company stickers, polotician stickers, those stickers from the quarter machines in the grocery store... all i am doing is covering my art desk. i am covering it 100% so i am in need of a LOT of stickers so i am always trying to find sites with free stickers and Listia is pretty awesome, plus i have found a few other ways to get free stickers so i am working on getting more and more. i am trying to get my friends to find any that they can find so i can throw them on there, too. best part is i am not picky at all. haha

i am going to go online later and try to find some more free stickers. i will figure it out cause i plan on getting more. i need to get some more stamps though cause i am kind of running low on them at the moment and i will need them for listia plus for some of the sticker things where i need to send in a  self addressed stamped envelope. so, hopefully i will be able to get a list of those and slowly go down them when i have money. i am going to have to send emails and ask how big of envelopes i need. i am hoping i get a LOT of stickers from some of them cause some give you at least 6. that would be awesome. i am going to have to buy some better ones to stick on the top of the ones that i am putting on there right now. right now, i am just trying to cover the majority of the actual surface of the desk. i have it all planned out, just need the stickers to do it. i am trying to hold off on the good ones right now. i am having a hard time not putting them on all kinds of other things... lol. i have a few boxes and stuff that i keep wanting to put them on but i need to save them for the desk. i also am going to need to find a way to fix the desk in the few spots where it is kind of falling apart. i wish i had a more stable desk that i could have started this all on but i will deal with what i have and try to keep fixing it up the best that i can. 

man, i am warm. i turned the heater up and now i can tell. i am getting warm. doesn't help that i am wearing pants AND socks. normally i just walk around in my boxers. haha. 

well, i am going to go for now, not sure what else to write so i will try to write more later after i look for some more free stickers. :)

-aiden

getting some things moving... kind of...

trying to get back into signing up for free things, free samples, signing up for sweepstakes and so forth. i got an awesome pair of sunglasses before and a bunch of samples of random things. it is kind of fun. i am going to get back into it and it might help us get some cool stuff. you never know. and it helps give me somewhat of a job type thing along with my art, youtube, blogging and so forth. i am hoping this all starts to work out. i gotta kick my ass into gear, you know?

hopefully the computer won't take a total shit. it is definately slowing down and i know we need a new hard drive. gonna have to try to see if my friend has one so i can replace the part and just have to save everything on here to the external. hopefully it doesn't die before we are able to get the part and everything.

also, if anyone has any bumper stickers, band sickers, etc they don't need or want or see for free if you could send them my way. i can give you my address. i am using them to cover my art desk and in a art piece.

also looking for metal bottle caps, like the ones from beer and root beer bottles. they can be from any kind of drink, doesn't matter. any of those would be great, as well.

i am not sure what else to write right now. i am trying to get used to writing on a regular basis so i am just gonna basically think of random things and write about them. sometimes will be my past, sometimes rants, sometimes just thoughts about life, etc. i dunno. nothing really all that special.

so, i have been thinking about the offer to be on the radio show my friends gave me. i think i might do it. i will have to make sure that it is on a time when aedan isn't here. and preferably kat not being here, also, just because it is easier to talk when it is just me because i am awkward like that. i don't even like talking on the phone and that is basically what we will be doing. i dunno, it's just weird... i am weird on the phone... eeee...

i am looking around on facebook for what all i am supposed to include in my email to mark, one of the hosts of the show. he told me and i thought i had it saved but apparently i did not... so, i have to dig around and figure it out cause i was just giong to try to work on that and just do it through here and hopefully get some input... maybe post it on facebook, too. wish people would read this one, though. i am trying to gather everything to one site and use linking to connect all of my accounts so people can find everything through here. and once i can afford it i will set up a actually website, domain name and everything. i am hoping i can do that within the next year but i really need to get my ass in gear with this shit. ugh.

well, i made a list of some of the things i am going to try to sell, something i just don't want and/ or things i have made and designed, drawn, painted, etc. i am not sure exactly where and how to put everything into this but i am going to take one step at a time and go from there. gonna have to talk to some other people and get some advice and help in setting things up like my paypal and so forth. gonna have to start figuring shit out and going from there.

i am wondering how open and honest i want to start being with my family about things in my life. my friends all pretty much know the few things i worry about my family finding out. but to a degree i think they might already know. i mean, i have a pot leaf tattoed on my leg and i have drank beer in front of them. i am thinking they can deal. i mean, yes, i went to treatment twice [for adderall and ccc's] and i am sober from those things. i don't know. i feel like i am fine and i have no worries. if i had worries or if i was getting bad i know that kat and most of my friends would say something. at least i really hope so.

my therapist last time i went in wanted me to think about what i want to focus on next with our time. i have been thinking about it and i am having a hard time trying to figure it out for sure. i would like to figure out my eating issues, my dysphoria, my lack of motivation to do anything that i always loved like drawing, writing and so forth... something that will be doing me good. i want something along the lines of helping me push past this rut that i have fuond myself it. i hate it here and i want the fuck out.

oh yeah, i am sorry to those of you who might be offended by my swearing but i am just being who i am in this journal/ blog thingy. i am gonna be honest and open about things in hopes that it can help anyone, help me or at least keep track of my life for me down the line.

i really really need to make a youtube video. i keep saying i will but i need to. i want to try to do it when aedan isn't here. but i am sure there will be videos where you will hear him in the background, you know? haha. he is a loud kid and if i record something with the puppy and him or the cats or ferrets, he may end up in there but i am going to try not to get him in anything for privacy sake. haven't really talked to kat about it so i am just going to do.

i am exhausted. i have to try to wake kat up and hopefully i will get a few hour nap.

-aiden