i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.

-A

this world is spinning

so, the last two days have been crazy. last night we went to fireworks in nashwauk. then i dropped \kat off for work in chisholm then drove back to nashwauk because i got to see my 'daughter' for the first time in about 3 years. she couldn't stop hugging me and we talked and talked and talked. she is already taller than me and is already 13. so crazy. is on tumbler all the time and youtube. just so strange from the little girl i remember her is. she is growing into a woman. a beautiful woman. and she still has me in her phone as dad. :) that means the world to me.

went to two parades today, didn't burn but my rashes broke out on my arms. but all in all it wasn't bad at all. i had my sph 50 on, sunglasses, a golf sized rainbow unbrella. i am prepped. and like 4 bottles of water. haha

i have decided to quit smoking. i am doing it slowly but i am doing it.

i am nervous as hell about meeting my new therapist and i have no idea what to say to her, what to bring up... i just worry. its a whole new person so i am wondering if it would go good, but then it could go back really really bad. ugh, i am too nervous about it.

so i am sighing up for free magazines everywhere and i am basically collecting old magazines and finding ways to use them for my artwork. i am so excited for this to happen. i have so many ideas. EEEE. i need to get some new paper, too, but i will not worry about that one just yet.

i am trying to turn all my energy to my art and blogging and all that goes along with my art. need to get the scanner working soon. that will be helpful so my pictures will look must more professional. i am excited to have my artwork to be more professional looking. and now i also have to try to find other ideas. i have to keep my creativity going or it loses momentum and i just give up at some point. i hate that it happens, but i know it does and i am trying to change that.

trying to eat less. made about half less of the chicken nuggets than i normally would. i wonder if i can even finish it. i am trying really hard to control portions. those random binges are killing me though. that is the stuff i need to get figued out and worked on.

-A

my head is spinning...

i spend my days doing nothing. i'm probably watching a movie in bed or on the couch, in my underwear and a tshirt, no binders. while i am doing that i am often writing letters, journaling, drawing, surfing the net and looking at more awesome artwork from other people. i have to drive kat to and from work, which isn't a major deal, but other than that i never really leave the apartment right now. i am trying to get my art back going but i am not sure if photography is really the way i want to go cause i would have to find models again since all mine moved and then i moved to hibbing. i have become a total hermit and i need to try to fix that. soon. it's not healthy for me or anyone.  

so, i suppose i can write a bit about the ideas that i have as things for me to do, like homework, and work on understanding my mental illnesses, i will have to leave the apartment to interact with some people [i will make myself]. i am going to start doing the affirmations again but this time in the new journal. it is going to be my health/ mental health/ therapy notes and what not. i cut out a bunch of cool random things from magazines and am probably going to put them on the book sometime in the next few days. only annoying thing is that it is a sketchbook so no lines to write so my writing is gonna get crazy, i am sure. but it is twice as thick as all the other ones that i had before. that is why we picked that one. 

i have decided that i am going to try to quit smoking at some point in the next month or so. both kat and i are going to try. it should be interesting. i haven't tried to quit in probably 5 years. i have been wanting to but then i am like... i just smoked a pack and a half... shit. and they have that med, chantix, but i am too afraid to take it. i hear so many bad things from people about it and i just would prefer not to use that, if i can stay away from it. i am ok with my meds that i am taking but i will just try to do this without anything. i am going to taper down. i am hoping that it will help and it will keep me from being more and more crabby. we will see. :crosses fingers:

there are a lot of things that i want to talk about in this blog other than just random updating. i have been debating on what i could do to it. i want to try to do something and maybe more people would be interested in what i have as my art, my writing but also on certain topics. i could always make some kind of schedule and pre-pick topics and try to write stuff about them. any thoughts from anyone? i need input, please.

my head has been swimming lately with ideas, plans, thoughts, random shit to do with everything that i have been trying to do. it is weird feeling and not even the ativan is helping calm it down, which is kind of rare. normally it does help a bit, at least. i am not totally sure what is up cause i am tensing my muscles all the time so i am always sore from clenching. i have to remind myself to breath a lot, too. and when i did physical therapy my doc had to tell me to relax almost every five or so minutes cause i would clench up while doing my rotations. this is something that i am going to have to bring up to my new therapist for sure because it does worry me a lot. makes me paranoid a bit.

i feel as though i have reached a point in the road where i need to make a decision of trying to get my shit together and pushing even if i fail. i kept trying to take the short cut but that was because i was lazy. now i have to go the long way, would have been easier just to do it right the first time. but, what can you do, right? lmao. i just worry about lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

i am going to go try to find some topics or something for blogs. i think it would be kind of fun to do that along with my regular updates and venting and whatever. haha. 

love, peace and chicken grease!

-A

changing life for the better. one day at a time.

basically trying to catch up on things. been doing better on eating less and better portion sizes. it is really annoying cause all i want to do is eat most of the time but when we have dinner or whatever i am not hungry so i have to force myself to eat. i am trying to make sure i am being careful about not eating enough then binging again. i am hoping that things will continue to move in the right direction. :) i am very proud of myself for a lot of the things that i have been able to tell myself no and not that much to. it makes me proud that i was able to control myself enough to not eat it cause it is there. i am also learning that i eat a lot when i am bored. so, i am trying to figure out ways to distract myself other than wandering around in the kitchen looking at food when i am not even hungry.

currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.

also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.

i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!

my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.

i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.

i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.

things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.

planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/

well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.

well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.

much love
-Aiden

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!
-Aiden

spring cleaning

i have been spending days slowly getting rid of more things here and there. i have lots of random things that i am going to sell on my listia account and some that i am selling on my local facebook group that is kind of like craigslist. some of it will be for cash, but the listia account is credits that i can use to get other things for free. i have gotten a TON of stickers off of there for my art desk. i love it. it is a GREAT website. if anyone who is reading this HASN'T checked it out, seriously... check it out. everything is free, except for the occasional shipping fee if you don't filter with just free shipping. i never do anything without free shipping. no, i take that back, i did pay shipping for ONE sticker cause it was TOTALLY worth it. haha




other than that, everything is slowly moving. i am trying to catch up on my letters, even though i don't have stamps to send anything out, but i am hoping i get birthday money from my dad or grandma or something and can use that to get some stamps cause i need them to be able to send out the things i have already auctioned off. and in order for me to be able to post any more auctions to be able to get more credits to buy things, i need to be able to ship things to people. normally that is not all that expensive to send things out but i need stamps to at least send out the stickers i am auctioning off. i have been getting rid of the random stickers that i have in my sticker box since i don't use a HUGE chunk of them anyway.

i am going to be making little mini business cards to send with eaach of my things that i send to people. and then when i auction off or sell any of my artwork i can send that with, as well. :) i have ideas for sure.

let's see... what else... well, my depression and everything else is doing pretty well, other than my anxiety. i am used to that for the most part, though. i take meds for it and they tend to help but not always. i try to not take them all the time because they can be addictive and i don't need to be addicted to anything else again. not going down that road again... been to treatment twice and i am SO ok with not going back. haha

i am going to take pictures of all the stickers that i have gotten. and NOTE... they have ALL been free.

the stack 

section one

section 2

section 3

section 4

section 5

YUP. ALL of those were free. a handful were from some friends of mine but the rest were from going online to random sites and listia. i am still getting more in the mail every day. and i will tell you right now... i can't WAIT to put all of them on my desk. i am in the process of cleaning off the desk so that we can move it to the center of the bedroom so i can load them puppies on there. but i am waiting as i get them so i can put the not as cool ones on the bottom and the cooler ones on the top :) i am way too excited about this. i have a sticker problem... i admit it. one of these days i need to take pictures of all of the things i have covered in stickers so i can show people all the stickers i already had ON things. haha.

well, i have to go pick up the lady from work so i will get back to this later, probably.

peace out
-aiden

getting some things moving... kind of...

trying to get back into signing up for free things, free samples, signing up for sweepstakes and so forth. i got an awesome pair of sunglasses before and a bunch of samples of random things. it is kind of fun. i am going to get back into it and it might help us get some cool stuff. you never know. and it helps give me somewhat of a job type thing along with my art, youtube, blogging and so forth. i am hoping this all starts to work out. i gotta kick my ass into gear, you know?

hopefully the computer won't take a total shit. it is definately slowing down and i know we need a new hard drive. gonna have to try to see if my friend has one so i can replace the part and just have to save everything on here to the external. hopefully it doesn't die before we are able to get the part and everything.

also, if anyone has any bumper stickers, band sickers, etc they don't need or want or see for free if you could send them my way. i can give you my address. i am using them to cover my art desk and in a art piece.

also looking for metal bottle caps, like the ones from beer and root beer bottles. they can be from any kind of drink, doesn't matter. any of those would be great, as well.

i am not sure what else to write right now. i am trying to get used to writing on a regular basis so i am just gonna basically think of random things and write about them. sometimes will be my past, sometimes rants, sometimes just thoughts about life, etc. i dunno. nothing really all that special.

so, i have been thinking about the offer to be on the radio show my friends gave me. i think i might do it. i will have to make sure that it is on a time when aedan isn't here. and preferably kat not being here, also, just because it is easier to talk when it is just me because i am awkward like that. i don't even like talking on the phone and that is basically what we will be doing. i dunno, it's just weird... i am weird on the phone... eeee...

i am looking around on facebook for what all i am supposed to include in my email to mark, one of the hosts of the show. he told me and i thought i had it saved but apparently i did not... so, i have to dig around and figure it out cause i was just giong to try to work on that and just do it through here and hopefully get some input... maybe post it on facebook, too. wish people would read this one, though. i am trying to gather everything to one site and use linking to connect all of my accounts so people can find everything through here. and once i can afford it i will set up a actually website, domain name and everything. i am hoping i can do that within the next year but i really need to get my ass in gear with this shit. ugh.

well, i made a list of some of the things i am going to try to sell, something i just don't want and/ or things i have made and designed, drawn, painted, etc. i am not sure exactly where and how to put everything into this but i am going to take one step at a time and go from there. gonna have to talk to some other people and get some advice and help in setting things up like my paypal and so forth. gonna have to start figuring shit out and going from there.

i am wondering how open and honest i want to start being with my family about things in my life. my friends all pretty much know the few things i worry about my family finding out. but to a degree i think they might already know. i mean, i have a pot leaf tattoed on my leg and i have drank beer in front of them. i am thinking they can deal. i mean, yes, i went to treatment twice [for adderall and ccc's] and i am sober from those things. i don't know. i feel like i am fine and i have no worries. if i had worries or if i was getting bad i know that kat and most of my friends would say something. at least i really hope so.

my therapist last time i went in wanted me to think about what i want to focus on next with our time. i have been thinking about it and i am having a hard time trying to figure it out for sure. i would like to figure out my eating issues, my dysphoria, my lack of motivation to do anything that i always loved like drawing, writing and so forth... something that will be doing me good. i want something along the lines of helping me push past this rut that i have fuond myself it. i hate it here and i want the fuck out.

oh yeah, i am sorry to those of you who might be offended by my swearing but i am just being who i am in this journal/ blog thingy. i am gonna be honest and open about things in hopes that it can help anyone, help me or at least keep track of my life for me down the line.

i really really need to make a youtube video. i keep saying i will but i need to. i want to try to do it when aedan isn't here. but i am sure there will be videos where you will hear him in the background, you know? haha. he is a loud kid and if i record something with the puppy and him or the cats or ferrets, he may end up in there but i am going to try not to get him in anything for privacy sake. haven't really talked to kat about it so i am just going to do.

i am exhausted. i have to try to wake kat up and hopefully i will get a few hour nap.

-aiden

so, back to this blogging thing... again

so, normally, i don't do the blogging thing much anymore but i realize that is something that i used to love to do and kept up on. so, i am going to go ahead and try to do this all again.

engaged. never thought i would be engaged for serious. there were those times back in the day when i talked to people about getting married and we threw it around but it was never serious. now, i am engaged to an amazing woman, kat. we have a car. we live in a decent apartment even though we plan on getting somewhere better hopefully within the next year. we have 2 cats that are hilarious and cute, a dog who drives us nuts but makes us laugh a lot, and two fiesty little ferrets and a insanely unique little kid, [kat's son, aedan]. our life together has been pretty great so far and i look forward to the rest of my life with her.

Kat and I with our new car. 2005 Hyandai Sonota.

i have been on testosterone for over a year and a month now. a lot has been changing. my voice dropped, more hair growing everywhere, acne, sexual levels are shifting, always hungry... my depression as gotten a little better but my anxiety has gone up a little bit. i am beginning to feel more and more comfortable in my skin and mentally things are starting to line up.

pre-t. 1 year on t.

i am not sure what all to write about right now. i will work on a survey or something right now to kind of do a 'when i first started this blog this is where i was in my life' kind of thing.

tadda.

-magic pants out-