i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

I feel like I lose

I have been beginning to feel like I lose at everything I try to do. I am beginning to wonder why I try to do things thinking that I can do it. I fall short of everything I try to aim for. even things I love doing or just do casually. it's a constant fight to try to stay positive all the time. it's a constant issue to figure out if I can make it through the next attempt at something. and I never even have the ambition to stay attempting things after the first fail.

I am so tired. I am losing my ambition that I barely had. I find it hard to keep fighting when I keep losing. I find it hard to keep trying.

I started smoking cigarettes again after my grandma passed away. one whole year without and I fell... it took one bad event and I was so weak in my depression that I just gave up.

my depression has been fighting hard lately to kick my ass. sad part is that it is winning. I hold up strong most of the time and for some reason I am just sick of pretending to be happy and ok with things when I am not. it's a really hard fight on your own. I keep screwing myself out of therapy, any assistance that I do get, etc. I just don't know anymore if anything is worth fighting for but I refuse to turn into my ex who did nothing all the time...

I just don't know what to do with myself...

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time
-A

my head is spinning...

i spend my days doing nothing. i'm probably watching a movie in bed or on the couch, in my underwear and a tshirt, no binders. while i am doing that i am often writing letters, journaling, drawing, surfing the net and looking at more awesome artwork from other people. i have to drive kat to and from work, which isn't a major deal, but other than that i never really leave the apartment right now. i am trying to get my art back going but i am not sure if photography is really the way i want to go cause i would have to find models again since all mine moved and then i moved to hibbing. i have become a total hermit and i need to try to fix that. soon. it's not healthy for me or anyone.  

so, i suppose i can write a bit about the ideas that i have as things for me to do, like homework, and work on understanding my mental illnesses, i will have to leave the apartment to interact with some people [i will make myself]. i am going to start doing the affirmations again but this time in the new journal. it is going to be my health/ mental health/ therapy notes and what not. i cut out a bunch of cool random things from magazines and am probably going to put them on the book sometime in the next few days. only annoying thing is that it is a sketchbook so no lines to write so my writing is gonna get crazy, i am sure. but it is twice as thick as all the other ones that i had before. that is why we picked that one. 

i have decided that i am going to try to quit smoking at some point in the next month or so. both kat and i are going to try. it should be interesting. i haven't tried to quit in probably 5 years. i have been wanting to but then i am like... i just smoked a pack and a half... shit. and they have that med, chantix, but i am too afraid to take it. i hear so many bad things from people about it and i just would prefer not to use that, if i can stay away from it. i am ok with my meds that i am taking but i will just try to do this without anything. i am going to taper down. i am hoping that it will help and it will keep me from being more and more crabby. we will see. :crosses fingers:

there are a lot of things that i want to talk about in this blog other than just random updating. i have been debating on what i could do to it. i want to try to do something and maybe more people would be interested in what i have as my art, my writing but also on certain topics. i could always make some kind of schedule and pre-pick topics and try to write stuff about them. any thoughts from anyone? i need input, please.

my head has been swimming lately with ideas, plans, thoughts, random shit to do with everything that i have been trying to do. it is weird feeling and not even the ativan is helping calm it down, which is kind of rare. normally it does help a bit, at least. i am not totally sure what is up cause i am tensing my muscles all the time so i am always sore from clenching. i have to remind myself to breath a lot, too. and when i did physical therapy my doc had to tell me to relax almost every five or so minutes cause i would clench up while doing my rotations. this is something that i am going to have to bring up to my new therapist for sure because it does worry me a lot. makes me paranoid a bit.

i feel as though i have reached a point in the road where i need to make a decision of trying to get my shit together and pushing even if i fail. i kept trying to take the short cut but that was because i was lazy. now i have to go the long way, would have been easier just to do it right the first time. but, what can you do, right? lmao. i just worry about lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

i am going to go try to find some topics or something for blogs. i think it would be kind of fun to do that along with my regular updates and venting and whatever. haha. 

love, peace and chicken grease!

-A

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.

-aiden

a fun weekend

had a fun weekend. spent saturday hanging out with friends at the flame in duluth. got to see some friends i hadn't seen in quite awhile. it was nice to be able to see some friends.

now one of my great friends is going to be moving from the cities back up to duluth so i am excited to be able to hang out with her again. i miss her so much. she has been one of the best friends i have had in a long time and i haven't been able to hang out with her in probably four years. and actually on a regular basis. it will be awesome! i am so beyond excited.

things are going pretty well. i am working on trying to get some more artwork done and so forth. i am trying to push myself to do these things, sell something, get some kind of money coming in but first i need to produce the things that i actually would be selling or anything. i need to try to work on it and push myself. i need to push myself very hard. it is tough to try to get myself to the point where i feel as though i can actually do it. i don't know why but i find it hard to sit down and do the things that i always loved to do. i never have the ambition to do much of anything these days and it is kind of driving me crazy in a way. i know it is partially to do with my depression but at the same time... there has to be something else behind it. there has to be some other reason why it is a problem, why i am truly having a major issue with this still. it goes for years where i am like this then i have a few months where i do a TON of art then i am back to nothing. i used to be doing art all the time. i even did artwork AT work... what the hell... how did i get here? how did i get to this point in my life? i just feel as though i really want to change yet i just don't have the ambition.

i am feeling as though there are things in my life that could be so much better, there could be things that i could make better... yet i am still sitting here... wondering and waiting and hoping that i can figure out what it is!

what is going on in my head? i don't even know...

well, gonna go for now.

-aiden