i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

the world as i saw it is changing...

so, starting up a walking group in hibbing. gonna do weekly walks. then eventually try to get to more than one a week. hoping it kind of takes off. there are a lot of people who don't like to walk alone. plus need the kick in the butt of other people and motivation from other people to help get them started. i just hope it works out for the better.

i am starting to take action. starting to get my actions going rather than just sitting around doing nothing. i need to start getting into better habits rather than just sitting around doing nothing.

things need to change. i need to stop dreaming and hoping things will change and just start to change them myself. i can't sit around and HOPE things will happen... you get nothing done or fixed that way. things must change.

catching up and setting up

right now i am in the process of figuring out the things i need to do over the next week. i need to complete at least half of the things on the list but the more the better. i am working on trying to push things forward with my art business. i need to set things up more business like. make the files, the artwork, the business cards, try to get a website, set up accounts and stay up to date with them, and so much more. i need to start treating like it is actually a true job. it will help get things off of the ground. and i am hoping to at least get someone else who is willing to help with some of it, at least. some people who are willing to spread the word about my artwork. i want to kind of create a street team. but before that i need to start creating more and more work. i have to get to it. i need to buck up and try to make this work somehow.

did another testosterone shot again today. they are getting easier and easier every time since i started to do the shots in the arm. i flinch less. they hurt a bit afterwards but if i just massage it and not baby it too much just use it... it isn't bad. i flinch everywhere else that we have tried to do the shots and this seems to be the spot. so, on my other arm i am thinking that i will have some kind of area that is used for the needle to be a tattoo. the octopus on my right arm gets poked near the eye and it works just great. :) so just need something on the other arm. maybe get something on my thighs just in case i need to do the shots myself at some point. i still am determined to be able to do shots myself.

i am working on setting plans for working out and so forth. setting a schedule so i don't over do it right off the bat, like i tend to do. haha

gonna have to buckle down on this whole making things a business. getting the word out about my work. and i need to kill it on the artwork. fast. i gotta push some shit out FAST. i know i can do it. just gonna have to kick my own ass into gear and try to have people harass me all the time. i am sure kat would work it out for me that she would try to do that as often as she could. we will see.

my art facebook page

things are going to start happening. they have to. i am sick of doing nothing all the time. 

peace out. haha
-Aiden