So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.
So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.
I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.
We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:
I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.
Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.
So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.
Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.
-oo-
Showing posts with label making changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label making changes. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
catching up on letters, finally
so, i have basically spent the last two days writing letters. i decided to write them all on the computer and print them out since i got some awesome fonts. why not use them and share them with my friends. better than boring old fonts. i like the fun ones. especially ones that look like handwriting.
so, anyway... things are going ok for the most part. i am not thinking about my grandparents every single day now. but i do miss my grandmother. knowing that i will never be able to talk to her again if i wanted to... never hear her stories again about her parents, her sisters and her brother. her experiences in the war... just the amazing stories she always told me. i wish that i would have recorded some of the things we talked about. i wish i would have used the tape deck when i had the chance. it would be amazing to write a story about her. she was an amazing woman who did a lot of things in her 90 years on earth. went through a lot of things but was always strong. i am so proud to say that she was my grandmother.
let's see... what else to write about. i shifted my facebook back to my old one and am getting rid of lots of people i never talk to, groups i don't want to be in and all of that fun shit. i am going to delete the other one in a week after people have had the chance to switch to the current one. i have been wanting to do it for awhile. i will be adding pictures and everything slowly back onto this one but i want to try to start new. it will be good for the changes that i am making. it will help me feel like a new start. at least i hope so.
i am not sure what else to write about but figured it would be good to do a quick update just cause. i am trying to write more and get things flowing on a more regular basis as far as writing and art. might try to do one drawing a week. i tried the drawing a day thing and that never works... so gonna try to do one a week. see if i can do that. :)
peace out.
so, anyway... things are going ok for the most part. i am not thinking about my grandparents every single day now. but i do miss my grandmother. knowing that i will never be able to talk to her again if i wanted to... never hear her stories again about her parents, her sisters and her brother. her experiences in the war... just the amazing stories she always told me. i wish that i would have recorded some of the things we talked about. i wish i would have used the tape deck when i had the chance. it would be amazing to write a story about her. she was an amazing woman who did a lot of things in her 90 years on earth. went through a lot of things but was always strong. i am so proud to say that she was my grandmother.
let's see... what else to write about. i shifted my facebook back to my old one and am getting rid of lots of people i never talk to, groups i don't want to be in and all of that fun shit. i am going to delete the other one in a week after people have had the chance to switch to the current one. i have been wanting to do it for awhile. i will be adding pictures and everything slowly back onto this one but i want to try to start new. it will be good for the changes that i am making. it will help me feel like a new start. at least i hope so.
i am not sure what else to write about but figured it would be good to do a quick update just cause. i am trying to write more and get things flowing on a more regular basis as far as writing and art. might try to do one drawing a week. i tried the drawing a day thing and that never works... so gonna try to do one a week. see if i can do that. :)
peace out.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
it's time
a lot of things are changing in my life. i have been losing weight and i am not totally sure how but i am going to keep trying to make it better. i am starting to eat better, i am going to be doing some minor working out until my body is ready for me to move forward with more.
i have realized that in order for things to be a major change i have to make the MAJOR changes myself. i am working on it and i am done saying i am working but never following through. i want to be able to be proud of where i am in my life. physically and mentally.
i am starting to work more on my artwork. maybe not as much as i could or should but baby steps are all i need at this point. maybe a drawing every few days, even if it is just a little doodle. things have to happen or i am stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life and i refuse to do that.
going to be trying to get a gym membership soon if money allows. i am ready for this step and i have been for awhile but now i REALLY am ready and i am going to do the best that i can to keep going in the right direction. people may not understand why it is so hard for me to work out at home or anything like that but for some reason i just don't have the motivation without the work out gear, being surrounded by other people working out, without having my headphones on and able to escape the world. i am really really hoping that all of that works out and will be able to happen.
the weather is getting a little better and i have taken two walks in the last month across town. it may not have been as long of a walk as most people walk but it was something. something that i wouldn't do if our car was still running. there are times where i really wish that the car was working but at the same time i am thinking that walking with colby or in general will be helpful. i am hoping to start walking with him maybe once or twice a week and go from there.
i am not sure what else to write about at this point but just wanting to update since i have been lazy about blogging lately. going to be making a video pretty soon, i believe... so we will see. lol
-Aiden
Saturday, October 19, 2013
coming to terms with reality
Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...
my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one.
on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed.
i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit.
other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore.
honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better.
-oo-
Aiden
my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one.
on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed.
i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit.
other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore.
honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better.
-oo-
Aiden
Sunday, June 23, 2013
changing life for the better. one day at a time.
basically trying to catch up on things. been doing better on eating less and better portion sizes. it is really annoying cause all i want to do is eat most of the time but when we have dinner or whatever i am not hungry so i have to force myself to eat. i am trying to make sure i am being careful about not eating enough then binging again. i am hoping that things will continue to move in the right direction. :) i am very proud of myself for a lot of the things that i have been able to tell myself no and not that much to. it makes me proud that i was able to control myself enough to not eat it cause it is there. i am also learning that i eat a lot when i am bored. so, i am trying to figure out ways to distract myself other than wandering around in the kitchen looking at food when i am not even hungry.
currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.
also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.
i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!
my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.
i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.
i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.
things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.
planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/
well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.
well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.
much love
-Aiden
currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.
also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.
i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!
my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.
i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.
i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.
things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.
planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/
well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.
well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.
much love
-Aiden
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