another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

coming to terms with reality

Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...

my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one. 

on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed. 

i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit. 

other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore. 

honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better. 

-oo-

Aiden

cha.. cha... chaaanges....

so, for the last 5 days Kat has been working on a schedule that has made my sleep schedule be decently normal. i hated it at first and was debating staying up all night but since we have aedan i needed to sleep at night like a regular person and get up to get her at 8 then stay up with the kid. i figured this would be hell but it turns out with my new vitamin d and my new multi vitamin that is supposed to help with energy, it is working out pretty well. i take them right away when i get up and usually bring her to work or go pick her up, depending on what shift she was working. i come back, have breakfast with the kid, i have been doing artwork and some random things i need to do. yesterday i even cleaned off my disaster of a desk and it is now a functional art/ computer desk. i already have worked on a project of painting my one cell phone cover. that is actually still a work in progress. but yesterday was a very successful and productive day.

i set plans for calls to make later today once kat wakes up. going to look into top surgery that might be covered by my insurance. we will see but i am crossing my fingers beyond belief right now.

as usual, i got some samples in the mail. these were for some natural energy drinks. they are powdered and you add them to 8 oz. of water, i ended up getting the grape flavor and i have to admit i really like them. i ended up trying one yesterday cause i was starting to feel really tired around 4. it helped kick me into gear and it made things a ton better. it wasn't like a jittery high feeling just a bit more pumped up. a bit of a kick in the butt, if you will. i am thinking about possibly investing in some of those. they aren't the cheapest thing in the world but they are pretty awesome. they would be really handy to have for those days when i am dragging really bad when aedan is here or when i can't make it through the day without feeling like i need a nap every five minutes. i am trying to stay on regular people time. key word is TRYING. but you have to start somewhere.

last time i went into my endo they told me that my estrogen is high so i am working on trying to figure out ways to lower my testosterone. so, i talked to a few people and one person mentioned that they were on the depo shot until he had his hysto. so i am going to talk to my endo and see if that is an option.

still working on making changes here and there. taking half my meds in the morning and half at night. the multi-vitamin, vitamin d, half my mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anxiety and so forth in the morning and the other half with dinner. so far, that seems to be actually helping and balancing things out a bit better. i am liking it. i used to hate doing that but i think that it is helpful. i have been abe to get along with the kid a bit better but at the same time he is acting a bit better. it all varies but he seems to be listening to be different now that i feel a little better and am kind of being nicer to him, which is nice for the both of us.

so, this upcoming weekend is going to be Duluth-Superior GLBTA Pride. my fiance, myself and two friends are all going down, got a hotel room for the weekend and are going to have fun. :) i am excited very much. this year should be really good. i am really hoping anyway. should be pretty fun. :crosses fingers: and this year i am going to try to remember to take lots of pictures. i will be taking my laptop and trying to take videos and pictures and everything. :)

also, on the 11th Kat and I are going to be seeing Michael Buble in the cities. i posted on facebook just saying that i would LOVE to go to his concert for a romantic evening with kat and my mom frickin BOUGHT us tickets and even paid for the parking. now we are going to be staying at our friends house for the night down there. i am beyond excited. the next two weeks are going to be amazing. :)

other than those things i have been trying to get back in connection with more of the spiritual things again. i am working on it but it is difficult at times because my brain can't seem to focus on anything even though i am not doing anything. i am working on trying to get my shit back into regular roles, the things i do into their places, the thoughts into their positions so that i can take action and get going on the things in my life.

we have decided that we will probably end up living in this apartment for the winter and looking for something else after that. give us a chance to figure out if and what we want to do about a house or if we want to go to an apartment. if we are going to have our friend live with us or not. i wish we could move into the 7 bedroom house but i am just not sure do to the electric and heating bills. that is the only thing i am really worried about with such a big house. but i want to move somewhere where we will be staying. we need to get into a HOME and be home. i am done moving. i don't want to move again after this move. i really am sick of moving. i want to settle for at least ten years. we will be here until aedan graduated high school for sure so that gives us about 14 if he doesn't fail any grades or anything like that. but we will see. i just want a HOME.

well, i suppose that is all for right now. can't think of anything else at this point but may write more later depending on what strikes. :)

-Aiden