another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

life changes round 907

got some more cool things in the mail today.

had a generally pretty good day. went to my endocriniligist appointment down in duluth and was able to get my testosterone injection dose upped and now we are doing them weekly instead of every other week, which i think will be a lot better. now i just have to get on some trails to try to figure out this whole getting top surgery thing. see if there are any options for getting covered by insurance, if not... try to find ways to start raising money, including selling things, selling artwork/ tattoo designs, etc. i have to find ways to do it. i want to be able to go down to dr. garramone in florida so it might be a bit pricy. but if i am going to have to pay for it out of pocket i am going to go to the best. he is the top surgeon in the field right now, so i am really hoping that maybe we are able to do that. i have talked to kat about possibly taking out a loan or something but we will see. one step at a time. first we need to see if maybe my insurance will cover something.

let's see. i am thinking i am going to make a video tonight after i drop kat off at work. she is going to work at midnight so possibly after that. i really need to make a new video. bad. so, we will see. i will figure out how i feel when i get back. i am debating a few things but i should really work on that. i wish i knew what ever happened to my camera stand cause it would bt cool to paint under blacklight and record it all happening and then fast forward it in video... hrm... maybe i could figure out a way to do it... i will try to think about this... that could be fun!

i will have to leave this up or something to make sure that i remember that i wanted to do that. not sure if i will do it but it could be fun! :D i am in the middle of doing the background for something so i could either work with that one or start over with something. hrm... not sure yet. we will see what i feel like later.

the one i am working on right now, i wish i had black paint pens like i used to because that would come in SO handy at ts point. bah. i miss the days when i had those all the time in high school and was getting them for free from mr. domeqc. i always used them and i loved them SOOO much. they made outlining things much easier than trying to do it the other way.

i might do some writing soon. i am thinking about setting myself a schedule of doing certain activites for certain times of the day. making myself wake up by a certain time and going through a schedule like when i was in treatment. maybe find some online groups during certain hours. possibly. we will see. but i want to set aside at least an hour for art, an hour for writing, once a week a video, working out at least every few days until i can work out every day without killing myself. set certain alarms on my phone. literally FORCE myself to get into the habits that i need to be in. work out a diet and stick to it by shopping and only getting things that will fit into it but allowing a little bit of wiggle room for when i have dinner with the family. lunches should be healthy, same with breakfast. and cutting back slowly on the amounts of what i am eating and try to eat slower.

i am trying not to do too many things at once but i feel and think that i do it this way, it will help. and i will force myself to be accountable. because i will allow myself to do something good if i do the things i don't like to do. like, i can only go online if the dishes are done. or i can only play on the xbox if the living room is at least decently clean and organized. try to figure out things like that. i think it would be really good to do things like that. my therapist would agree for sure.

i just want things to get better. if it is not HUGE that is fine, i have to be happy for the little things. baby steps are how one gets to big steps. you have to start somewhere, you have to start small or you will fall. well, that is the case for most people but anywho...

things right now are going pretty well though. nothing major happening but TRYing to stay positive... keep my head up even when things don't go as well as i want, if i eat too much, if i mess up and forget to do something... i need to try not to get overwhelmed SO fast. i know it is a part of my borderline personality disorder BUT i want to at least say that i am trying to get better, trying to make things better. i feel as though i have backslid a bit and i don't like that. i dunno if i will ever get to where i was before in my life but i really want to try. and to get healthier. that is my main goal. to feel better, not be a loner in the apartment all the time, try to live a somewhat more organized life and try to socialize more outside of the apartment. even if it means just going to sit at a friends house insteat of having everyone come here all the time. that is what happens here other than with our friends AJ but he lives across the street. haha

so i am getting more stubble when i shave on my mustache area. here comes the creepy mustache. haha. i dont think that i will EVER have a mustache cause they weird me out but who knows, maybe at some point i will have one for a bit. along with a mullet. lmfao. sorry, i doubt i will ever have a mustache.

i really need to get my hair trimmed up. i am growing out the top but i really need the long stuff in the back gone and the sides. bah.

man, i can't stop yawning and stretcing for some reason. i may have to sleep a little while kat is at work. weird... we will see. haha. just take it as it comes, i suppose.

well, gonna go for now because i am going to be bringing her to work shortly.
love, peace and chicken grease.

-Aiden

time with friends

so, i have begun to realize lately that i am becoming anti-social and a shut in... again. i am trying very hard to not be that way but for some reason i always find myself back in this same situation. i even stopped being online. just sat around not really doing much of anything. how did i become THAT guy? i don't like the way my life is headed so i am going to start trying to make the changes, even if slowly, i need to become the man i know i can be.

i am going to step up for this possible job. i am going to call tomorrow and talk to them about the application i put in and seeing if they were willing to give me an interview or something. i honestly can say that i actually WANT this job. first time since when i worked at michael's... i actually WANT a job.

i am going to work harder at making sure i draw at least a few times a week, maybe even once a day. making sure i post things to my profiles, my art sites, etc. i need to get my creative juices flowing again like they used to be before. when i was angry, i drew... when i was sad, i drew... i need to start getting like that again.

i am going to step up in try to SELL and start producing buyable art. possibly try to get a few clients for tattoo designs and so forth. start charging for things. even if it is on my paypal or something like that. i have ideas.

i am going to try to take better care of myself. this is not just eating. try to do my hair, even if i am not going out. take better care of my skin, use some body and face wash again. just take better all around care of me.

i want to make this all happen. i will clearly have to take some baby steps but this is something that i really want to do and i think that i can do it if i put my heart and soul and effort into it. it will be hard to keep myself motivated in the beginning but if it keeps going and begins a real art career... i will be much more motivated. but i need to rough out the early parts... have to build a fanbase, step one.

i really know i need to do this and hopefully things will start to get better from here.

-aiden