life changes round 907

got some more cool things in the mail today.

had a generally pretty good day. went to my endocriniligist appointment down in duluth and was able to get my testosterone injection dose upped and now we are doing them weekly instead of every other week, which i think will be a lot better. now i just have to get on some trails to try to figure out this whole getting top surgery thing. see if there are any options for getting covered by insurance, if not... try to find ways to start raising money, including selling things, selling artwork/ tattoo designs, etc. i have to find ways to do it. i want to be able to go down to dr. garramone in florida so it might be a bit pricy. but if i am going to have to pay for it out of pocket i am going to go to the best. he is the top surgeon in the field right now, so i am really hoping that maybe we are able to do that. i have talked to kat about possibly taking out a loan or something but we will see. one step at a time. first we need to see if maybe my insurance will cover something.

let's see. i am thinking i am going to make a video tonight after i drop kat off at work. she is going to work at midnight so possibly after that. i really need to make a new video. bad. so, we will see. i will figure out how i feel when i get back. i am debating a few things but i should really work on that. i wish i knew what ever happened to my camera stand cause it would bt cool to paint under blacklight and record it all happening and then fast forward it in video... hrm... maybe i could figure out a way to do it... i will try to think about this... that could be fun!

i will have to leave this up or something to make sure that i remember that i wanted to do that. not sure if i will do it but it could be fun! :D i am in the middle of doing the background for something so i could either work with that one or start over with something. hrm... not sure yet. we will see what i feel like later.

the one i am working on right now, i wish i had black paint pens like i used to because that would come in SO handy at ts point. bah. i miss the days when i had those all the time in high school and was getting them for free from mr. domeqc. i always used them and i loved them SOOO much. they made outlining things much easier than trying to do it the other way.

i might do some writing soon. i am thinking about setting myself a schedule of doing certain activites for certain times of the day. making myself wake up by a certain time and going through a schedule like when i was in treatment. maybe find some online groups during certain hours. possibly. we will see. but i want to set aside at least an hour for art, an hour for writing, once a week a video, working out at least every few days until i can work out every day without killing myself. set certain alarms on my phone. literally FORCE myself to get into the habits that i need to be in. work out a diet and stick to it by shopping and only getting things that will fit into it but allowing a little bit of wiggle room for when i have dinner with the family. lunches should be healthy, same with breakfast. and cutting back slowly on the amounts of what i am eating and try to eat slower.

i am trying not to do too many things at once but i feel and think that i do it this way, it will help. and i will force myself to be accountable. because i will allow myself to do something good if i do the things i don't like to do. like, i can only go online if the dishes are done. or i can only play on the xbox if the living room is at least decently clean and organized. try to figure out things like that. i think it would be really good to do things like that. my therapist would agree for sure.

i just want things to get better. if it is not HUGE that is fine, i have to be happy for the little things. baby steps are how one gets to big steps. you have to start somewhere, you have to start small or you will fall. well, that is the case for most people but anywho...

things right now are going pretty well though. nothing major happening but TRYing to stay positive... keep my head up even when things don't go as well as i want, if i eat too much, if i mess up and forget to do something... i need to try not to get overwhelmed SO fast. i know it is a part of my borderline personality disorder BUT i want to at least say that i am trying to get better, trying to make things better. i feel as though i have backslid a bit and i don't like that. i dunno if i will ever get to where i was before in my life but i really want to try. and to get healthier. that is my main goal. to feel better, not be a loner in the apartment all the time, try to live a somewhat more organized life and try to socialize more outside of the apartment. even if it means just going to sit at a friends house insteat of having everyone come here all the time. that is what happens here other than with our friends AJ but he lives across the street. haha

so i am getting more stubble when i shave on my mustache area. here comes the creepy mustache. haha. i dont think that i will EVER have a mustache cause they weird me out but who knows, maybe at some point i will have one for a bit. along with a mullet. lmfao. sorry, i doubt i will ever have a mustache.

i really need to get my hair trimmed up. i am growing out the top but i really need the long stuff in the back gone and the sides. bah.

man, i can't stop yawning and stretcing for some reason. i may have to sleep a little while kat is at work. weird... we will see. haha. just take it as it comes, i suppose.

well, gonna go for now because i am going to be bringing her to work shortly.
love, peace and chicken grease.

-Aiden

counting down to my birthday...

16 days until my birthday today. can't believe that i am going to be 28 in 16 days. where have all the years gone? makes me worry about how little i have achieved, how little i have done in my life knowing that i could have gone further with my art, my schooling, my life in general. i can't complain completely because witout going through everything i have gone through, i wouldn't be where i am right now, with the love of my life, etc. i just truly wonder what could have been if i would have stuck with things, if i would have put in the effort and not let my mental illnesses get the best of me for so long. i dunno.

i have been trying to get my life back into order, but i got sick and have been having issues with my tooth. so, it has made it tough to do anything. plus, i have gotten addicted to a few sites and have been using my new laptop CONSTANTLY. so, i am going to try to get back into my drawing, i want to try to do a drawing a day for 365 days. i will try to get started on that. if i do, i will be sure to post them on here and on my art profile on facebook, HERE. please make sure to comment and like my things that you like. any kind of feedback is very helpful, for serious. i am really going to try to kick my ass into doing this. and if i miss a day, i am going to draw as many things as i need to in order to make up for the days that i have missed.

so, i also need to make a new youtube video. i kept saying i was waiting to get my hair cut but i honestly don't know when that is going to be SO i am going to just go ahead and make one with a hat on or something. haha. i owe a BUNCH of people videos and i just need to update things, anyway, cause i have been on t for OVER a year and the last video i made was over 4 months ago... it is far overdue. i need to learn to stop procrastinating. both kat and i have noticed that we have been doing that a lot and are trying to get out of that habit. so, i am going to have to make a list of things to do every day, every week, etc. and try to do my best to keep to it. if people notice i am not doing the things that i say i am going to do, call me out on my shit. i need people to do that sometimes because i tend to forget or just not get the ambition because i don't think people are watching, reading, or looking at the things that i do. i know there are some but no one ever comments on anything, so it makes me question if people are actually paying any attention to it,  you know?

let's see, anything else to write about? OH! i am going to try to 'kidnap' my ex's daughter, who i still consider my kid, and see if she wants to spend a night not this next weekend but the one after. i haven't seen her since my ex and i broke up over 2 years ago. i finally started talking to her again a few months ago after sending her a letter apologizing for everything and how i hadn't talked to her. i miss that kid. she was like my child for over two years and i love her so much. she started calling me daddy when my ex and i were together and the first time she called me that i almost cried because for an 11 year old to even say that, realized i am transgender and accept that... that is amazing. that kid is one of the best kids. she is crazy, kind of a mini me, in a way. haha

so, i have noticed that my anxiety has been a lot higher as of late. i am not sure why, but there are things giving me anxiety. part of it is probably because i am trying to force myself to do things, which i need to do anyway, and i really realized that i HAVE to do this. i HAVE to push myself through the anxiety, the frustration, etc. i NEED it. i need to feel better about myself and the only way for that to happen is for me to start kicking my own ass. and i am going to talk to kat and see if she can help me, if she remembers. lol. her memory is kind of as bad as mine, to be honest. but i know i have to do this. that is why i am going to make some signs and things to put around the house to remind me... so i can't say i forgot. i am finally remembering to take my meds every day so that is something i don't have to worry about putting up on the wall.

well, i am thinking that is about it for right now. maybe i will get motivation to write more later. we will see.

peace out!

-aiden