...Oh my god

So, while I have been sitting here listening to music and watching music videos on YouTube I am watching more and more videos and realizing how much older I am getting. I mean, I listen to so many types of music I never know where my music mood will take me. So, today mine has gone into the pop category. I had on Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd - Really Don't Care. I started looking at the age of the fans in the videos and realizing And if that didn't make it bad, I ran across a song and the girl looked really young and I looked up and it said she was born in 1997 and then I read... AGE 17!! holy shit, I am getting old. What is going on????

I guess I am not the only one who is feeling this. And honestly, every single person goes through this at some point. I honestly knew it was coming and I am excited to age but it just came along so much faster than I thought it would.

I will be 30 on May 1st and honestly, that makes me think about what all has happened in my life. I mean, we already went through that many years. It is just crazy to think about. I will be back in awhile to finish my thoughts but I need to publish this since it has been sitting here for awhile alright.

Peace

-A Eugene

another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

so lost...

raising a child in any respect is difficult but as a step parent, it can be a combination of horrible and amazing. right now, i am dealing with a 5 year old boy who has a father in town in the picture and his mother, my fiance. they each take him for a week at a time and he is in head start, takes the bus... but that is becoming an issue due to his behavior. he is a generally sweet kid but he has a major attitude and seems to think that arguing is the coolest new thing. over the last three days he was almost sent home from school an hour after being there, got in trouble on the bus and just today was written up for multiple things on the bus today. we have a hell of a time with him at home and apparently his father does at his house, as well. i love this kid like he was my own and i want him to be comfortable and safe and getting the help he needs, if he does need any.

ADHD does run on her side of the family and the stubborness and not wanting to talk about feelings comes from his dad's side of the family. i am trying to figure out how to make this something that could work out in their favor. if we had the money i would say we need to get him into therapy possibly over the next year to just see. they have kid psychologists at his school and they are already kind of concerned for him and that is something that i worry about because i don't want him to have to deal with all the things that i did. but at least they are catching it at a young age verses when you are 14 and suicidal in 8th grade.

i try to productive and proactive with him but my anxiety goes really high when i am around him for some reason. not all the time but when he is hyper i really find it difficult where to focus and what to do with him cause he can't focus on more than one thing for longer than about 10 minutes and it seems to be getting worse with age.

i know there are a lot of parents out there who have kids, maybe some with add or adhd, and i am looking for some easy and fun ideas to help work with him, help my anxious self find a way to calm down without wanting to cry when he gets on my nervous.

this winter is lasting forever so i think that is part of the issue cause it is basically impossible to go out and play cause it is melting then freexing then melting then freezing which makes it basically impossible to play in or even walk on for the dog to go to the bathroom. i want more than anything to be able to send the kid outside into the front yard, get a chair and my umbrella and just sit there reading, writing, drawing, something. but we are stuck inside right now and i just don't know what to do with myself let alone a rowdy kid with a low attention span.

HELP