...Oh my god

So, while I have been sitting here listening to music and watching music videos on YouTube I am watching more and more videos and realizing how much older I am getting. I mean, I listen to so many types of music I never know where my music mood will take me. So, today mine has gone into the pop category. I had on Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd - Really Don't Care. I started looking at the age of the fans in the videos and realizing And if that didn't make it bad, I ran across a song and the girl looked really young and I looked up and it said she was born in 1997 and then I read... AGE 17!! holy shit, I am getting old. What is going on????

I guess I am not the only one who is feeling this. And honestly, every single person goes through this at some point. I honestly knew it was coming and I am excited to age but it just came along so much faster than I thought it would.

I will be 30 on May 1st and honestly, that makes me think about what all has happened in my life. I mean, we already went through that many years. It is just crazy to think about. I will be back in awhile to finish my thoughts but I need to publish this since it has been sitting here for awhile alright.

Peace

-A Eugene

so lost...

raising a child in any respect is difficult but as a step parent, it can be a combination of horrible and amazing. right now, i am dealing with a 5 year old boy who has a father in town in the picture and his mother, my fiance. they each take him for a week at a time and he is in head start, takes the bus... but that is becoming an issue due to his behavior. he is a generally sweet kid but he has a major attitude and seems to think that arguing is the coolest new thing. over the last three days he was almost sent home from school an hour after being there, got in trouble on the bus and just today was written up for multiple things on the bus today. we have a hell of a time with him at home and apparently his father does at his house, as well. i love this kid like he was my own and i want him to be comfortable and safe and getting the help he needs, if he does need any.

ADHD does run on her side of the family and the stubborness and not wanting to talk about feelings comes from his dad's side of the family. i am trying to figure out how to make this something that could work out in their favor. if we had the money i would say we need to get him into therapy possibly over the next year to just see. they have kid psychologists at his school and they are already kind of concerned for him and that is something that i worry about because i don't want him to have to deal with all the things that i did. but at least they are catching it at a young age verses when you are 14 and suicidal in 8th grade.

i try to productive and proactive with him but my anxiety goes really high when i am around him for some reason. not all the time but when he is hyper i really find it difficult where to focus and what to do with him cause he can't focus on more than one thing for longer than about 10 minutes and it seems to be getting worse with age.

i know there are a lot of parents out there who have kids, maybe some with add or adhd, and i am looking for some easy and fun ideas to help work with him, help my anxious self find a way to calm down without wanting to cry when he gets on my nervous.

this winter is lasting forever so i think that is part of the issue cause it is basically impossible to go out and play cause it is melting then freexing then melting then freezing which makes it basically impossible to play in or even walk on for the dog to go to the bathroom. i want more than anything to be able to send the kid outside into the front yard, get a chair and my umbrella and just sit there reading, writing, drawing, something. but we are stuck inside right now and i just don't know what to do with myself let alone a rowdy kid with a low attention span.

HELP

the end of another day

got some more stickers today, again. got a cigar box that i am going to turn into a storage box. i am going to sand it down to be able to put a white primer and then cover it with blacklight paint. it should be interesting. i will be posting the process pictures while i am working on it. 

kat is making pancakes for dinner. i am very excited. ^_^

there are a lot of things happening but at the same time nothing is actually happening. i don't know how to explain it. but i am in the process of starting things again which is probably why it feels like nothing is happening. because it is the beginning part of the process. this is the time i give up because i feel it will never amount to anything. i am trying to stand up to that fear, push myself forward and get my shit together. i am 28 and sick of not being as much as i know i could be. it sounds cliche but i know that i need to get my shit together and i am sick of myself whimping out all the time and just doing nothing about it. 

i am amused at how much i am not a kid person. yet i am a total pet person. i guess i have never really known what to do about kids. i have dated a large percent of mothers verses without kids. and i still am awkward with kids... i mean, i am good with aedan, better than with any other kid i have had in my life other than kayla. i am just not a kid person and find myself highly stressed out and increasingly cranky when around kids. i don't understand why and i kind of am curious as to why i have this issue...

i am going to be trying to get a gym membership in virginia with ashley at the ymca. only thing is driving to virginia to work out is a long way with gas prices going up again... i wish i could get my insurance to just cover 24 hour fitness. it would be great, i could go work out whenever i couldn't sleep or whatever. i could have a work out set schedule. i really wish that i could have a gym membership in our town. i really wish it would work out. 

i didn't sleep last night but i took like a half an hour nap. i really want to go to sleep but at the same time want to hang out and chat with ashley. i know i want to stay up for the pancakes. i mean, come on... pancakes. nom nom nom. i sure do love me some pancakes. they are cakes made in your pan... or something like that. i just love pancakes. ^_^ i have always loved pancakes. i remember as a kid we used to go to IHOP all the time. i miss being able to go to IHOP whenever i wanted. that was great... every sunday we went after church. it was the highlight of my week. i dealt with church so that i could go to coffee hour and eat cookies then IHOP. 

it's moments like that right above that make me realize that i have always had a weird obsession with food. i have always had that problem for as long as i can remember. it is isn't very cool to realize i have been pretty much a fat kid my entire life. i have gone through some good stages where i took care of myself and now i just let myself go over the last 6 years, at least. i wish i could say i tried but i really haven't. i just gave up and didn't care. i don't like feeling that way. i want to get back into feeling better, get back into taking care of me like i used to. doing shit all the time, not letting myself sit and do nothing all the time... get to business doing what i need to do for my art, for my pen pals, for my listia account, etc. i am gonna kick my ass into gear. 

well, anyway. gonna go eat. 

love, peace and chicken grease

-Aiden