a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

coming to terms with reality

Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...

my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one. 

on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed. 

i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit. 

other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore. 

honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better. 

-oo-

Aiden

getting sick. caught it from kat and she got it from work. coughing, stuffed up, etc. trying to stay on track with everything. i have done research for a questionaire so i am going to post that shortly when i am done filling it out. the questions were all found on websites that were supposed to help a person discover more about themselves, get to know themselves and so forth. we will see, i guess.

i am going to be trying a bunch of different things right now that are supposed to help with self esteem, self discovery and so forth. i am hoping it will help in some way. i am going to try to talk to my therapist about all these kind of things for part of the treatment, help, ideas she may have of other things that i could try to do. i am hoping that she is helpful in that kind of way.

i am not sure what all to write about. nothing major is happening right now so i will just go ahead and finish that so i can post it. 

-A

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.

-aiden