wa wa waaaaa

so, today sucked. the first half was ok but now on the way to get tubes for cigarettes the car just... stopped. we are pretty sure it is either the fuel filter or the fuel pump. hopefully it is just the fuel filter cause that will be a hell of a lot cheaper to replace. but my friend, kaelyn, and i are going back to the car later and try to move it and see what we can do. :sigh: what a damn day...

i am tired now. i am like mentally exhausted. i dunno why but all of a sudden i just crashed energy wise. i really want to take a nap and i would if my buddy, ashley, wasn't over and if we weren't already up to stuff. i am really drained. that took everything out of me. i had to stand in front of a cop and talk to him and i hate cops... they freak me out. i think my anxiety just shot up and now i am tired from that. i dunno. all i know is i have a feeling it is going to be an early night after we deal with the car. god, i hate being this tired.

my head hurts. ugh. what a day. at least we finally have cigarettes again. that is helping today. after the day i have had i am glad. although the car did die on the way to GET the tubes to make the cigarettes so if i wouldn't have gone i probably wouldn't have had to deal with this until possibly tomorrow or something.

i have been having issues with feeling tired all the time lately. i am not sure why but i am always tired, i keep sleeping and passing out left and right. i am not sure why and it is making me worried and kind of annoyed. between that and my tailbone/ lower back hurting... i am just not sure what to do with myself. i really should set up a doctor appointment and stuff but i just don't have the ambition to even do it anymore.

i dunno. i am so not here right now. i just want to go to sleep but i can't...

love, peace and chicken grease
-Aiden

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.

-aiden