basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.
my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.
there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...
my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.
i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?
what can i do?!
i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.
-aiden
Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
a fun weekend
had a fun weekend. spent saturday hanging out with friends at the flame in duluth. got to see some friends i hadn't seen in quite awhile. it was nice to be able to see some friends.
now one of my great friends is going to be moving from the cities back up to duluth so i am excited to be able to hang out with her again. i miss her so much. she has been one of the best friends i have had in a long time and i haven't been able to hang out with her in probably four years. and actually on a regular basis. it will be awesome! i am so beyond excited.
things are going pretty well. i am working on trying to get some more artwork done and so forth. i am trying to push myself to do these things, sell something, get some kind of money coming in but first i need to produce the things that i actually would be selling or anything. i need to try to work on it and push myself. i need to push myself very hard. it is tough to try to get myself to the point where i feel as though i can actually do it. i don't know why but i find it hard to sit down and do the things that i always loved to do. i never have the ambition to do much of anything these days and it is kind of driving me crazy in a way. i know it is partially to do with my depression but at the same time... there has to be something else behind it. there has to be some other reason why it is a problem, why i am truly having a major issue with this still. it goes for years where i am like this then i have a few months where i do a TON of art then i am back to nothing. i used to be doing art all the time. i even did artwork AT work... what the hell... how did i get here? how did i get to this point in my life? i just feel as though i really want to change yet i just don't have the ambition.
i am feeling as though there are things in my life that could be so much better, there could be things that i could make better... yet i am still sitting here... wondering and waiting and hoping that i can figure out what it is!
what is going on in my head? i don't even know...
well, gonna go for now.
-aiden
now one of my great friends is going to be moving from the cities back up to duluth so i am excited to be able to hang out with her again. i miss her so much. she has been one of the best friends i have had in a long time and i haven't been able to hang out with her in probably four years. and actually on a regular basis. it will be awesome! i am so beyond excited.
things are going pretty well. i am working on trying to get some more artwork done and so forth. i am trying to push myself to do these things, sell something, get some kind of money coming in but first i need to produce the things that i actually would be selling or anything. i need to try to work on it and push myself. i need to push myself very hard. it is tough to try to get myself to the point where i feel as though i can actually do it. i don't know why but i find it hard to sit down and do the things that i always loved to do. i never have the ambition to do much of anything these days and it is kind of driving me crazy in a way. i know it is partially to do with my depression but at the same time... there has to be something else behind it. there has to be some other reason why it is a problem, why i am truly having a major issue with this still. it goes for years where i am like this then i have a few months where i do a TON of art then i am back to nothing. i used to be doing art all the time. i even did artwork AT work... what the hell... how did i get here? how did i get to this point in my life? i just feel as though i really want to change yet i just don't have the ambition.
i am feeling as though there are things in my life that could be so much better, there could be things that i could make better... yet i am still sitting here... wondering and waiting and hoping that i can figure out what it is!
what is going on in my head? i don't even know...
well, gonna go for now.
-aiden
Thursday, March 28, 2013
new ideas and new ambitions
so, i am going to try to work on this page and turning it into a website. doing the best that i can with this site and connecting others so that i can create a full site until i can afford to at least buy a domain name and use it to link things to maybe or something. but i need to get a full site going. have something seperate for my art/ work. but have them all be connected to one home site. and this will be it.
i am turning this into my diary, my poetry journal, my picture gallery, my doodling posting area, my art, random rantings... into one chunk of this is who i am. get to know me.
i am going to be featured on a online radio show in april and am very excited for that. so, the self promoting will begin along with some q & a with two great friends of mine. this is a transition radio station and they interview people with interesting stories, a few decently well known people, and some great conversation. i will admit that i am very nervous because it is live and on the phone. so i am going to have to try very hard to stay focused, not move around a whole lot and try not to go a.d.d. too much. i have to write up a short bio of myself and they come up with the questions. man, i just... i do want to do it for sure... it would be something very awesome, i think. get my name out there and just tell about myself, my art, my writing, etc.
i am trying to be more active on facebook while trying to look for a job. i have decided that i need to try to hold a job down... at least get one. but i will not work in fast food. so i am going to try to put my art skills to work and see what i can do to get some kind of income for creating tattoos, posters for bands, cd covers, stickers, tshirts, logos, etc. this is what i have always wanted to do... i need to focus my ideas into one spot and do it. so, i am going to start my lists of band names, song titles, cd names, etc. then start putting together the booklets, covers, logos, etc. have these in sample folders in my page on facebook. well, damn. that was a good idea. i should start working on that stuff tonight, i think.
so, i am working on taking this into action. i might as well, since i have the time. why not use it to work on getting things started so maybe i can make some extra money.
let's see... it was an amazing day today. just everything was awesome. it was a beautiful day out, 47 degrees. drove around with both windows down and not feeling like i would freeze to death... even in a tshirt! it was sweet. i love that the weather is starting to get better. i can't wait til all the snow is gone completely. that will be an awesome day for sure. i always get excited for spring even though i am allregic to fresh cut grass which means my allergies act up a lot... but i still love watching nothing but white and black turn to brown slowly and blooming into green and purples and yellows and oranges and reds.... it is just amazing. i love color and i love the color in that transition. i wonder if i would be better living in somewhere where it was sunny more often, only problem with that... the heat would be up and i would burn a lot. and i hate heat. i just wonder, cause if i lived in somewhere like florida... how maybe my depression would be a lot lower. it would be just amazing. but could i actually live there?
anyway. i am not sure why i just went into that tangent but there ya go, something to read.
well, i am going to go work on my lists and making some cool stuff for myself. to post on my pages and so forth.
-aiden
i am turning this into my diary, my poetry journal, my picture gallery, my doodling posting area, my art, random rantings... into one chunk of this is who i am. get to know me.
i am going to be featured on a online radio show in april and am very excited for that. so, the self promoting will begin along with some q & a with two great friends of mine. this is a transition radio station and they interview people with interesting stories, a few decently well known people, and some great conversation. i will admit that i am very nervous because it is live and on the phone. so i am going to have to try very hard to stay focused, not move around a whole lot and try not to go a.d.d. too much. i have to write up a short bio of myself and they come up with the questions. man, i just... i do want to do it for sure... it would be something very awesome, i think. get my name out there and just tell about myself, my art, my writing, etc.
i am trying to be more active on facebook while trying to look for a job. i have decided that i need to try to hold a job down... at least get one. but i will not work in fast food. so i am going to try to put my art skills to work and see what i can do to get some kind of income for creating tattoos, posters for bands, cd covers, stickers, tshirts, logos, etc. this is what i have always wanted to do... i need to focus my ideas into one spot and do it. so, i am going to start my lists of band names, song titles, cd names, etc. then start putting together the booklets, covers, logos, etc. have these in sample folders in my page on facebook. well, damn. that was a good idea. i should start working on that stuff tonight, i think.
so, i am working on taking this into action. i might as well, since i have the time. why not use it to work on getting things started so maybe i can make some extra money.
let's see... it was an amazing day today. just everything was awesome. it was a beautiful day out, 47 degrees. drove around with both windows down and not feeling like i would freeze to death... even in a tshirt! it was sweet. i love that the weather is starting to get better. i can't wait til all the snow is gone completely. that will be an awesome day for sure. i always get excited for spring even though i am allregic to fresh cut grass which means my allergies act up a lot... but i still love watching nothing but white and black turn to brown slowly and blooming into green and purples and yellows and oranges and reds.... it is just amazing. i love color and i love the color in that transition. i wonder if i would be better living in somewhere where it was sunny more often, only problem with that... the heat would be up and i would burn a lot. and i hate heat. i just wonder, cause if i lived in somewhere like florida... how maybe my depression would be a lot lower. it would be just amazing. but could i actually live there?
anyway. i am not sure why i just went into that tangent but there ya go, something to read.
well, i am going to go work on my lists and making some cool stuff for myself. to post on my pages and so forth.
-aiden
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