another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

in death comes a new beginning...

it has been awhile since i have blogged, but i feel like i need to get back to it. a lot has been happening lately and i feel like it could be helpful for myself.

on July 23rd, 2014 my grandmother, Rose, passed away after a long fight with dementia and other health issues. she no longer was speaking to anyone and in the end refused food and even liquids. thinking of the fight she went through over the last almost 6 years, hurts to know she was suffering but now with her passing i know she is with my grandfather, Eugene, in heaven and neither of them are suffering. My grandfather passed away from cancer.

my grandfather, Eugene, passed away about 6 months before i was born so i never got to know him but through family, especially my grandmother, i got to learn a lot of things about him. i wish i would have had the chance to get to know him as well as i did my grandmother. 

my mother was the youngest of seven kids and due to that i was the youngest of all the grandkids so i got to spend a lot of one on one time with my grandma. i got to know her in a way that a lot of other grandkids didn't get to. she was an amazing woman. artistic, loved cooking, loved dancing, loved judy garland and musicals... she taught me a lot of things and told me so many stories about our family history. she told me lots of stories about her siblings and her brother joe who passed away in world war two. 

i have lost other people in my life before her passing but she was the one i had the most personal relationship with, the most one on one time with and just was closest to. i have been having a very tough time over the almost two weeks now that i have had since she passed away. i attended her funeral, memorial and so forth... and i cried super hard and every single one. :( it was so depressing. i never cry but i knew that i would cry hard. and i have cried almost every single night since i found out she passed away. even after coming home after the funeral and everything. i am just having a harder time than i thought that i would. i knew it would hit hard but just didn't expect it to hit this hard. 

i am just not sure what to do with myself... trying... 

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time
-A