i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.

-oo-

things... more things... blah blah blah

in a strange place in life. feeling ambitious, semi motivated... but i just can't get that ummph to get going. i am working on a few major things in my personal life. trying to get my health back in order. getting my shoe life on the 21st so walking won't be an issue at all. i am hoping to be able to get a tens unit soon, too. that would help my back soooo much. it did when i used my exes. anyway... a.d.d.

working on eating smaller portions still. have been slipping up a lot more lately. but i am working on that.

i quit smoking. i am 15 days without a cigarette right now. i am using the patch and e-cigs with no actual tobacco in them. i have a blueberry flavor right now, it is actually pretty nice. kind of tastes like this blueberry cereal i had once. it's nice. :) it's great cause i can just plug it into a usb port on my computer to charge the battery again. it's really cool.

i dropped a little weight. went from 223 to 217. didn't even know i did. but hopefully next time i go into the doctor it will have dropped again. i keep hoping. :crosses fingers: i am working on walking. i started a walking group with a handful of random people in hibbing. it's pretty cool. i didn't get to go the first time because i was sick in bed with stomach issues [we are pretty sure i have ibs] so i couldn't make it. but i heard it was pretty fun :) but i plan on going this next time. hopefully my stomach will calm the hell down.

there are a lot of things that i need to do. i need to work on thing with my laziness, my lack of motivation, my fear of failure AND success, and so forth. i need to get back into therapy so tomorrow i am calling in and setting up an appointment with someone my old therapist recommended. so, we will see what happens, i suppose. the sooner the better, though.

but my biggest issue now is letting myself fail but still getting back up and fighting just as hard as i was in the first place. i am at the point where i just give up and stop doing anything remotely like what i was doing. i think that is why i have nothing to do. i restricted myself from doing so many things when i was with my ex. she really dragged my soul out and beat the crap out of it. i am very lucky to have a fiance as amazing as Kat. her coming into my life was the biggest and best moment of my life. and when we get married, i will be the proudest husband in the world to say she is my wife and i know that she actually loves me. it won't be awhile til we were to get married anyway. not doing it until after my top surgery is done. i refuse to get married with my ee's. not gonna happen.

pride is coming up soon so excited about that. it's gonna be a good one this year, too. was hoping for a room for just kat and i and it didnt work out as planned, but it is still gonna be a ton of fun! i really really hope so. lmao. trying to get my art into the art exhibit but still not hearing from anyone at this point so, i dunno. we'll see, i guess.

i feel things changing slowly inside my head, i like it. i like the changes i am making in my life. finding spirituality... gaining some motivation to start trying harder at the food issues and trying to motivate myself to work out. i am surprised at myself and i really like it. this is the way i used to be. i am hoping that this is going to stay cause i am sick of being stuck in a rut that i can't get out of on my own. i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. i want to change things. thing is that i always say i want things to be different, i wish they were... but not i am acting towards making those thoughts, dreams, hopes into a reality or at least close to it. in order to lose weight you have to find some kind of way to lose weight. walking is a great way to walk. there for, go walking with  my friends. that one, i have covered. i am just not sure about what else i could do to work out. maybe when i wake up every morning [setting a new schedule] i could lift my 5 lb weights, take a shower. i dunno. gotta find some things to do. keep myself occupied!

i am really hoping that we are able to get a loan so that kat can buy a house and we will have a home that we can live in til we decide to move after aedan graduates high school. all i know is that i am truly hoping that we will be able to get a decent loan so that we can take a look at a few houses that i have seen as an option. i really would like to have my own art/ work room. i would be active all the time. i could get income, i bet just for my art and things like that. i want that. i want to be able to work as an artist but i need to get back into drawing on a daily basis. that is something i keep saying that i will do but i really do need to do that. i need to. this is my passion and i need to stop fluffing off. i am 28, not getting any younger and i am broke as fuck and about to lose my food stamps. so, yeah... but trying not to focus on the bad things. i am trying to ignore them and try to make things more positive. i have to start or it will just stay crappy and mopey. i refuse to do that for the rest of my life.

ok, i am rambling beyond belief. half of this probably doesn't even make sense but yeah. lol. i should go to sleep. kind of didn't realize what time it is.

-oo-
Aiden