to donate anything towards my top surgery

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/79h5/aiden-willows-top-surgery-funding

catching up on letters, finally

so, i have basically spent the last two days writing letters. i decided to write them all on the computer and print them out since i got some awesome fonts. why not use them and share them with my friends. better than boring old fonts. i like the fun ones. especially ones that look like handwriting.

so, anyway... things are going ok for the most part. i am not thinking about my grandparents every single day now. but i do miss my grandmother. knowing that i will never be able to talk to her again if i wanted to... never hear her stories again about her parents, her sisters and her brother. her experiences in the war... just the amazing stories she always told me. i wish that i would have recorded some of the things we talked about. i wish i would have used the tape deck when i had the chance. it would be amazing to write a story about her. she was an amazing woman who did a lot of things in her 90 years on earth. went through a lot of things but was always strong. i am so proud to say that she was my grandmother.

let's see... what else to write about. i shifted my facebook back to my old one and am getting rid of lots of people i never talk to, groups i don't want to be in and all of that fun shit. i am going to delete the other one in a week after people have had the chance to switch to the current one. i have been wanting to do it for awhile. i will be adding pictures and everything slowly back onto this one but i want to try to start new. it will be good for the changes that i am making. it will help me feel like a new start. at least i hope so.

i am not sure what else to write about but figured it would be good to do a quick update just cause. i am trying to write more and get things flowing on a more regular basis as far as writing and art. might try to do one drawing a week. i tried the drawing a day thing and that never works... so gonna try to do one a week. see if i can do that. :)

peace out.

I feel like I lose

I have been beginning to feel like I lose at everything I try to do. I am beginning to wonder why I try to do things thinking that I can do it. I fall short of everything I try to aim for. even things I love doing or just do casually. it's a constant fight to try to stay positive all the time. it's a constant issue to figure out if I can make it through the next attempt at something. and I never even have the ambition to stay attempting things after the first fail.

I am so tired. I am losing my ambition that I barely had. I find it hard to keep fighting when I keep losing. I find it hard to keep trying.

I started smoking cigarettes again after my grandma passed away. one whole year without and I fell... it took one bad event and I was so weak in my depression that I just gave up.

my depression has been fighting hard lately to kick my ass. sad part is that it is winning. I hold up strong most of the time and for some reason I am just sick of pretending to be happy and ok with things when I am not. it's a really hard fight on your own. I keep screwing myself out of therapy, any assistance that I do get, etc. I just don't know anymore if anything is worth fighting for but I refuse to turn into my ex who did nothing all the time...

I just don't know what to do with myself...

a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

in death comes a new beginning...

it has been awhile since i have blogged, but i feel like i need to get back to it. a lot has been happening lately and i feel like it could be helpful for myself.

on July 23rd, 2014 my grandmother, Rose, passed away after a long fight with dementia and other health issues. she no longer was speaking to anyone and in the end refused food and even liquids. thinking of the fight she went through over the last almost 6 years, hurts to know she was suffering but now with her passing i know she is with my grandfather, Eugene, in heaven and neither of them are suffering. My grandfather passed away from cancer.

my grandfather, Eugene, passed away about 6 months before i was born so i never got to know him but through family, especially my grandmother, i got to learn a lot of things about him. i wish i would have had the chance to get to know him as well as i did my grandmother. 

my mother was the youngest of seven kids and due to that i was the youngest of all the grandkids so i got to spend a lot of one on one time with my grandma. i got to know her in a way that a lot of other grandkids didn't get to. she was an amazing woman. artistic, loved cooking, loved dancing, loved judy garland and musicals... she taught me a lot of things and told me so many stories about our family history. she told me lots of stories about her siblings and her brother joe who passed away in world war two. 

i have lost other people in my life before her passing but she was the one i had the most personal relationship with, the most one on one time with and just was closest to. i have been having a very tough time over the almost two weeks now that i have had since she passed away. i attended her funeral, memorial and so forth... and i cried super hard and every single one. :( it was so depressing. i never cry but i knew that i would cry hard. and i have cried almost every single night since i found out she passed away. even after coming home after the funeral and everything. i am just having a harder time than i thought that i would. i knew it would hit hard but just didn't expect it to hit this hard. 

i am just not sure what to do with myself... trying... 

so lost...

raising a child in any respect is difficult but as a step parent, it can be a combination of horrible and amazing. right now, i am dealing with a 5 year old boy who has a father in town in the picture and his mother, my fiance. they each take him for a week at a time and he is in head start, takes the bus... but that is becoming an issue due to his behavior. he is a generally sweet kid but he has a major attitude and seems to think that arguing is the coolest new thing. over the last three days he was almost sent home from school an hour after being there, got in trouble on the bus and just today was written up for multiple things on the bus today. we have a hell of a time with him at home and apparently his father does at his house, as well. i love this kid like he was my own and i want him to be comfortable and safe and getting the help he needs, if he does need any.

ADHD does run on her side of the family and the stubborness and not wanting to talk about feelings comes from his dad's side of the family. i am trying to figure out how to make this something that could work out in their favor. if we had the money i would say we need to get him into therapy possibly over the next year to just see. they have kid psychologists at his school and they are already kind of concerned for him and that is something that i worry about because i don't want him to have to deal with all the things that i did. but at least they are catching it at a young age verses when you are 14 and suicidal in 8th grade.

i try to productive and proactive with him but my anxiety goes really high when i am around him for some reason. not all the time but when he is hyper i really find it difficult where to focus and what to do with him cause he can't focus on more than one thing for longer than about 10 minutes and it seems to be getting worse with age.

i know there are a lot of parents out there who have kids, maybe some with add or adhd, and i am looking for some easy and fun ideas to help work with him, help my anxious self find a way to calm down without wanting to cry when he gets on my nervous.

this winter is lasting forever so i think that is part of the issue cause it is basically impossible to go out and play cause it is melting then freexing then melting then freezing which makes it basically impossible to play in or even walk on for the dog to go to the bathroom. i want more than anything to be able to send the kid outside into the front yard, get a chair and my umbrella and just sit there reading, writing, drawing, something. but we are stuck inside right now and i just don't know what to do with myself let alone a rowdy kid with a low attention span.

HELP

it's time

         a lot of things are changing in my life. i have been losing weight and i am not totally sure how but i am going to keep trying to make it better. i am starting to eat better, i am going to be doing some minor working out until my body is ready for me to move forward with more. 

         i have realized that in order for things to be a major change i have to make the MAJOR changes myself. i am working on it and i am done saying i am working but never following through. i want to be able to be proud of where i am in my life. physically and mentally. 

         i am starting to work more on my artwork. maybe not as much as i could or should but baby steps are all i need at this point. maybe a drawing every few days, even if it is just a little doodle. things have to happen or i am stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life and i refuse to do that. 

         going to be trying to get a gym membership soon if money allows. i am ready for this step and i have been for awhile but now i REALLY am ready and i am going to do the best that i can to keep going in the right direction. people may not understand why it is so hard for me to work out at home or anything like that but for some reason i just don't have the motivation without the work out gear, being surrounded by other people working out, without having my headphones on and able to escape the world. i am really really hoping that all of that works out and will be able to happen. 

         the weather is getting a little better and i have taken two walks in the last month across town. it may not have been as long of a walk as most people walk but it was something. something that i wouldn't do if our car was still running. there are times where i really wish that the car was working but at the same time i am thinking that walking with colby or in general will be helpful. i am hoping to start walking with him maybe once or twice a week and go from there. 

         i am not sure what else to write about at this point but just wanting to update since i have been lazy about blogging lately. going to be making a video pretty soon, i believe... so we will see. lol

                           -Aiden