wa wa waaaaa

so, today sucked. the first half was ok but now on the way to get tubes for cigarettes the car just... stopped. we are pretty sure it is either the fuel filter or the fuel pump. hopefully it is just the fuel filter cause that will be a hell of a lot cheaper to replace. but my friend, kaelyn, and i are going back to the car later and try to move it and see what we can do. :sigh: what a damn day...

i am tired now. i am like mentally exhausted. i dunno why but all of a sudden i just crashed energy wise. i really want to take a nap and i would if my buddy, ashley, wasn't over and if we weren't already up to stuff. i am really drained. that took everything out of me. i had to stand in front of a cop and talk to him and i hate cops... they freak me out. i think my anxiety just shot up and now i am tired from that. i dunno. all i know is i have a feeling it is going to be an early night after we deal with the car. god, i hate being this tired.

my head hurts. ugh. what a day. at least we finally have cigarettes again. that is helping today. after the day i have had i am glad. although the car did die on the way to GET the tubes to make the cigarettes so if i wouldn't have gone i probably wouldn't have had to deal with this until possibly tomorrow or something.

i have been having issues with feeling tired all the time lately. i am not sure why but i am always tired, i keep sleeping and passing out left and right. i am not sure why and it is making me worried and kind of annoyed. between that and my tailbone/ lower back hurting... i am just not sure what to do with myself. i really should set up a doctor appointment and stuff but i just don't have the ambition to even do it anymore.

i dunno. i am so not here right now. i just want to go to sleep but i can't...

love, peace and chicken grease
-Aiden

newest stickers :)

yep, posting some more of the free stickers that i have gotten in the mail lately.

looking into the past

so, today i basically spent the entire day searching online for things i can use in my story that i am going to start writing soon. did a lot of marking of pages about insane asylums and so forth around the 30's- 60's. i haven't decided exactly what time period to have it placed in. but we will see as i do more research about everything. I am hoping to pay off my library fines so that I can check out some books and dvds if I can find any of those or anything. I am going to try to look into every single way that I can do the research and try to make it as accurate as possible. The psych ward part is the major thing that I need to make accurate and depending on the time period I will go from there into where I decide to write the story, the final decisions and everything else. One step at a time then they lead to the details. I am going to try to write this the best way I know how and take it slow but try to stay focused as much as possible.

I have basically be watching tons of horror movies and dramas about psych wards, not matter what time period they are in and just trying to get into the right state of mind. I am going to be doing nothing but trying to surround myself with things like this and trying to do mental disorders so I can define and explain why she is in there other than killing people. I know the basics of what she is going to do but I need to figure out what things she is feeling, seeing and so forth to bring her to the point of killing people other than the plot that she has already been given that I will not talk about yet.

There are a lot of ideas racing through my head about where I want the story to go, what I want the basics to be... but I am not totally sure what I want to do yet. I will take it one step at a time.

Still getting more stickers and random things every day. I am loving it. :) I am so glad I signed up and asked for all the stickers from people. I think I am going to do another list of emails but I need to try to make sure I don't email the same people I have already emailed. That is gonna be the toughest part cause I am going to have to go back through the old emails, I think.

Let's see... anything else to write about? I have officially switched to weekly shots. We will see how the changes come from here. I am going to be keeping everything documented in my shot journal like I have been but I need to make sure I write more in it each time. I didn't take very good records of the first year and I kind of wish that I would have. I know I could have but oh well, gotta start now, I guess.

Well, I am good for now since blogger is being weird.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease, y'all

-Aiden

the end of another day

got some more stickers today, again. got a cigar box that i am going to turn into a storage box. i am going to sand it down to be able to put a white primer and then cover it with blacklight paint. it should be interesting. i will be posting the process pictures while i am working on it. 

kat is making pancakes for dinner. i am very excited. ^_^

there are a lot of things happening but at the same time nothing is actually happening. i don't know how to explain it. but i am in the process of starting things again which is probably why it feels like nothing is happening. because it is the beginning part of the process. this is the time i give up because i feel it will never amount to anything. i am trying to stand up to that fear, push myself forward and get my shit together. i am 28 and sick of not being as much as i know i could be. it sounds cliche but i know that i need to get my shit together and i am sick of myself whimping out all the time and just doing nothing about it. 

i am amused at how much i am not a kid person. yet i am a total pet person. i guess i have never really known what to do about kids. i have dated a large percent of mothers verses without kids. and i still am awkward with kids... i mean, i am good with aedan, better than with any other kid i have had in my life other than kayla. i am just not a kid person and find myself highly stressed out and increasingly cranky when around kids. i don't understand why and i kind of am curious as to why i have this issue...

i am going to be trying to get a gym membership in virginia with ashley at the ymca. only thing is driving to virginia to work out is a long way with gas prices going up again... i wish i could get my insurance to just cover 24 hour fitness. it would be great, i could go work out whenever i couldn't sleep or whatever. i could have a work out set schedule. i really wish that i could have a gym membership in our town. i really wish it would work out. 

i didn't sleep last night but i took like a half an hour nap. i really want to go to sleep but at the same time want to hang out and chat with ashley. i know i want to stay up for the pancakes. i mean, come on... pancakes. nom nom nom. i sure do love me some pancakes. they are cakes made in your pan... or something like that. i just love pancakes. ^_^ i have always loved pancakes. i remember as a kid we used to go to IHOP all the time. i miss being able to go to IHOP whenever i wanted. that was great... every sunday we went after church. it was the highlight of my week. i dealt with church so that i could go to coffee hour and eat cookies then IHOP. 

it's moments like that right above that make me realize that i have always had a weird obsession with food. i have always had that problem for as long as i can remember. it is isn't very cool to realize i have been pretty much a fat kid my entire life. i have gone through some good stages where i took care of myself and now i just let myself go over the last 6 years, at least. i wish i could say i tried but i really haven't. i just gave up and didn't care. i don't like feeling that way. i want to get back into feeling better, get back into taking care of me like i used to. doing shit all the time, not letting myself sit and do nothing all the time... get to business doing what i need to do for my art, for my pen pals, for my listia account, etc. i am gonna kick my ass into gear. 

well, anyway. gonna go eat. 

love, peace and chicken grease

-Aiden

the stickers so far

the plan:

the not so cool ones or ones i have a LOT of are going to be on the bottom, the republican thing is going to be covered.

and when i get more pictures i will make sure to post the pictures up of them, as well. :)

enjoy looking at my free sticker collection thus far!

love, peace and chicken grease
-Aiden

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!
-Aiden

life changes round 907

got some more cool things in the mail today.

had a generally pretty good day. went to my endocriniligist appointment down in duluth and was able to get my testosterone injection dose upped and now we are doing them weekly instead of every other week, which i think will be a lot better. now i just have to get on some trails to try to figure out this whole getting top surgery thing. see if there are any options for getting covered by insurance, if not... try to find ways to start raising money, including selling things, selling artwork/ tattoo designs, etc. i have to find ways to do it. i want to be able to go down to dr. garramone in florida so it might be a bit pricy. but if i am going to have to pay for it out of pocket i am going to go to the best. he is the top surgeon in the field right now, so i am really hoping that maybe we are able to do that. i have talked to kat about possibly taking out a loan or something but we will see. one step at a time. first we need to see if maybe my insurance will cover something.

let's see. i am thinking i am going to make a video tonight after i drop kat off at work. she is going to work at midnight so possibly after that. i really need to make a new video. bad. so, we will see. i will figure out how i feel when i get back. i am debating a few things but i should really work on that. i wish i knew what ever happened to my camera stand cause it would bt cool to paint under blacklight and record it all happening and then fast forward it in video... hrm... maybe i could figure out a way to do it... i will try to think about this... that could be fun!

i will have to leave this up or something to make sure that i remember that i wanted to do that. not sure if i will do it but it could be fun! :D i am in the middle of doing the background for something so i could either work with that one or start over with something. hrm... not sure yet. we will see what i feel like later.

the one i am working on right now, i wish i had black paint pens like i used to because that would come in SO handy at ts point. bah. i miss the days when i had those all the time in high school and was getting them for free from mr. domeqc. i always used them and i loved them SOOO much. they made outlining things much easier than trying to do it the other way.

i might do some writing soon. i am thinking about setting myself a schedule of doing certain activites for certain times of the day. making myself wake up by a certain time and going through a schedule like when i was in treatment. maybe find some online groups during certain hours. possibly. we will see. but i want to set aside at least an hour for art, an hour for writing, once a week a video, working out at least every few days until i can work out every day without killing myself. set certain alarms on my phone. literally FORCE myself to get into the habits that i need to be in. work out a diet and stick to it by shopping and only getting things that will fit into it but allowing a little bit of wiggle room for when i have dinner with the family. lunches should be healthy, same with breakfast. and cutting back slowly on the amounts of what i am eating and try to eat slower.

i am trying not to do too many things at once but i feel and think that i do it this way, it will help. and i will force myself to be accountable. because i will allow myself to do something good if i do the things i don't like to do. like, i can only go online if the dishes are done. or i can only play on the xbox if the living room is at least decently clean and organized. try to figure out things like that. i think it would be really good to do things like that. my therapist would agree for sure.

i just want things to get better. if it is not HUGE that is fine, i have to be happy for the little things. baby steps are how one gets to big steps. you have to start somewhere, you have to start small or you will fall. well, that is the case for most people but anywho...

things right now are going pretty well though. nothing major happening but TRYing to stay positive... keep my head up even when things don't go as well as i want, if i eat too much, if i mess up and forget to do something... i need to try not to get overwhelmed SO fast. i know it is a part of my borderline personality disorder BUT i want to at least say that i am trying to get better, trying to make things better. i feel as though i have backslid a bit and i don't like that. i dunno if i will ever get to where i was before in my life but i really want to try. and to get healthier. that is my main goal. to feel better, not be a loner in the apartment all the time, try to live a somewhat more organized life and try to socialize more outside of the apartment. even if it means just going to sit at a friends house insteat of having everyone come here all the time. that is what happens here other than with our friends AJ but he lives across the street. haha

so i am getting more stubble when i shave on my mustache area. here comes the creepy mustache. haha. i dont think that i will EVER have a mustache cause they weird me out but who knows, maybe at some point i will have one for a bit. along with a mullet. lmfao. sorry, i doubt i will ever have a mustache.

i really need to get my hair trimmed up. i am growing out the top but i really need the long stuff in the back gone and the sides. bah.

man, i can't stop yawning and stretcing for some reason. i may have to sleep a little while kat is at work. weird... we will see. haha. just take it as it comes, i suppose.

well, gonna go for now because i am going to be bringing her to work shortly.
love, peace and chicken grease.

-Aiden