American Horror Story: Freak Show

I am SO beyond excited for this season. I was always scared of clowns and I am taking it back and using to be more twisted. I am still freaked out by the 'cute' innoicent looking ones... and mimes. i hate mimes.

so, yeah. I have been getting back into my horror stuff a lot more. I have decided that I am going to try to get back into my writing and get to my horror series. so there may be some stuff randomly posted. Any and all thoughts will welcome.



-oo-

another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.


                                          Aiden Eugene

to donate anything towards my top surgery

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/79h5/aiden-willows-top-surgery-funding

catching up on letters, finally

so, i have basically spent the last two days writing letters. i decided to write them all on the computer and print them out since i got some awesome fonts. why not use them and share them with my friends. better than boring old fonts. i like the fun ones. especially ones that look like handwriting.

so, anyway... things are going ok for the most part. i am not thinking about my grandparents every single day now. but i do miss my grandmother. knowing that i will never be able to talk to her again if i wanted to... never hear her stories again about her parents, her sisters and her brother. her experiences in the war... just the amazing stories she always told me. i wish that i would have recorded some of the things we talked about. i wish i would have used the tape deck when i had the chance. it would be amazing to write a story about her. she was an amazing woman who did a lot of things in her 90 years on earth. went through a lot of things but was always strong. i am so proud to say that she was my grandmother.

let's see... what else to write about. i shifted my facebook back to my old one and am getting rid of lots of people i never talk to, groups i don't want to be in and all of that fun shit. i am going to delete the other one in a week after people have had the chance to switch to the current one. i have been wanting to do it for awhile. i will be adding pictures and everything slowly back onto this one but i want to try to start new. it will be good for the changes that i am making. it will help me feel like a new start. at least i hope so.

i am not sure what else to write about but figured it would be good to do a quick update just cause. i am trying to write more and get things flowing on a more regular basis as far as writing and art. might try to do one drawing a week. i tried the drawing a day thing and that never works... so gonna try to do one a week. see if i can do that. :)

peace out.

I feel like I lose

I have been beginning to feel like I lose at everything I try to do. I am beginning to wonder why I try to do things thinking that I can do it. I fall short of everything I try to aim for. even things I love doing or just do casually. it's a constant fight to try to stay positive all the time. it's a constant issue to figure out if I can make it through the next attempt at something. and I never even have the ambition to stay attempting things after the first fail.

I am so tired. I am losing my ambition that I barely had. I find it hard to keep fighting when I keep losing. I find it hard to keep trying.

I started smoking cigarettes again after my grandma passed away. one whole year without and I fell... it took one bad event and I was so weak in my depression that I just gave up.

my depression has been fighting hard lately to kick my ass. sad part is that it is winning. I hold up strong most of the time and for some reason I am just sick of pretending to be happy and ok with things when I am not. it's a really hard fight on your own. I keep screwing myself out of therapy, any assistance that I do get, etc. I just don't know anymore if anything is worth fighting for but I refuse to turn into my ex who did nothing all the time...

I just don't know what to do with myself...

a rut...

it's another day. had a few beers and just thinking about my life. I have an amazing fiancee, a bunch of loving pets, the majority of the things that I need in my day to day life yet I find myself in a constant depression and anxiety fest. I am not sure what else I can do. I try meditating, taking my meds, relaxation... yet I still feel lost and alone in a huge part of my life. Kat can't understand fully but she is always understanding and loving when she knows I am facing a hard time. I just don't know how to drag myself out of this hell I have been in for so long. I become used to it and just accept it every day.

I am currently sitting outside on our front porch, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.  after my grandmother passed away something in my head just is different. it is almost like I care more about the fact that I am stuck in the same spot... and have been for so many years. I just rolled with it but now I am sick of being that person. sick of just sitting and watching the world pass me by.

there are a lot of things in my life that I never talk about tk a lot of people. I am used to hiding my depression. I tell people about my anxiety because it effects things more often than the depression does. but lately I feel like the meds arent even work I anymore.

I have missed too many appointments with my therapist so they are sending me to a group that I have to gk tk three times before I can get back in with ny therapist. this is the worst time for that to happen. I tried to call my therapist and tell her that my grandma passed away and I have been really out of it but it was too late. I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle of the same shit every single month. I forget about appointment tment or aomething happens that make a it ao that I dont make it in. and because of that I end up in that group... over and over. I need therapy or I would just quit but I am trying to keep and get my shit straight. I am trying to understand and fix the things in my life that are causing everything to feel as though they are falling apart almost once a week, at least.

I am lost and confused and am really not sure what to do with myself  anymore... I dont like this feeling but it just keeps going. how did I get here and how the fuck so I get out??

in death comes a new beginning...

it has been awhile since i have blogged, but i feel like i need to get back to it. a lot has been happening lately and i feel like it could be helpful for myself.

on July 23rd, 2014 my grandmother, Rose, passed away after a long fight with dementia and other health issues. she no longer was speaking to anyone and in the end refused food and even liquids. thinking of the fight she went through over the last almost 6 years, hurts to know she was suffering but now with her passing i know she is with my grandfather, Eugene, in heaven and neither of them are suffering. My grandfather passed away from cancer.

my grandfather, Eugene, passed away about 6 months before i was born so i never got to know him but through family, especially my grandmother, i got to learn a lot of things about him. i wish i would have had the chance to get to know him as well as i did my grandmother. 

my mother was the youngest of seven kids and due to that i was the youngest of all the grandkids so i got to spend a lot of one on one time with my grandma. i got to know her in a way that a lot of other grandkids didn't get to. she was an amazing woman. artistic, loved cooking, loved dancing, loved judy garland and musicals... she taught me a lot of things and told me so many stories about our family history. she told me lots of stories about her siblings and her brother joe who passed away in world war two. 

i have lost other people in my life before her passing but she was the one i had the most personal relationship with, the most one on one time with and just was closest to. i have been having a very tough time over the almost two weeks now that i have had since she passed away. i attended her funeral, memorial and so forth... and i cried super hard and every single one. :( it was so depressing. i never cry but i knew that i would cry hard. and i have cried almost every single night since i found out she passed away. even after coming home after the funeral and everything. i am just having a harder time than i thought that i would. i knew it would hit hard but just didn't expect it to hit this hard. 

i am just not sure what to do with myself... trying...