it's time

         a lot of things are changing in my life. i have been losing weight and i am not totally sure how but i am going to keep trying to make it better. i am starting to eat better, i am going to be doing some minor working out until my body is ready for me to move forward with more. 

         i have realized that in order for things to be a major change i have to make the MAJOR changes myself. i am working on it and i am done saying i am working but never following through. i want to be able to be proud of where i am in my life. physically and mentally. 

         i am starting to work more on my artwork. maybe not as much as i could or should but baby steps are all i need at this point. maybe a drawing every few days, even if it is just a little doodle. things have to happen or i am stuck in the same spot for the rest of my life and i refuse to do that. 

         going to be trying to get a gym membership soon if money allows. i am ready for this step and i have been for awhile but now i REALLY am ready and i am going to do the best that i can to keep going in the right direction. people may not understand why it is so hard for me to work out at home or anything like that but for some reason i just don't have the motivation without the work out gear, being surrounded by other people working out, without having my headphones on and able to escape the world. i am really really hoping that all of that works out and will be able to happen. 

         the weather is getting a little better and i have taken two walks in the last month across town. it may not have been as long of a walk as most people walk but it was something. something that i wouldn't do if our car was still running. there are times where i really wish that the car was working but at the same time i am thinking that walking with colby or in general will be helpful. i am hoping to start walking with him maybe once or twice a week and go from there. 

         i am not sure what else to write about at this point but just wanting to update since i have been lazy about blogging lately. going to be making a video pretty soon, i believe... so we will see. lol

                           -Aiden

2 years??

          believe it or not, i have officially been on testosterone for two whole years! i have missed shots here and there so it is not 100% of the time in that two years but generally not longer than a few weeks. i just can't believe that it has been a whole 2 years.
       
          things right now are interesting but nothing overly exciting. i am cutting down on certain things. right now i am no longer eating noodles in anything and i am trying to avoid rice, as well. next will be cutting back on my sugars. we also are buying a lot more vegetables. this time we got a lot, our vegetable drawer was full and we still had a bunch more. i feel very accoplished from our grolcery store strip. :)

          we are moving to a new apartment, actually, in a few weeks. on the first of february we are moving from our place now out to about 4 blocks from where we are now. the place is twice the size, utilities included, bathroom is about three times the size of what we have here. the kitchen is a little bigger, a lot more storage space and the fridge is much bigger. our bedroom that we will be having has a walk in closet, which i will be taking pictures of, for sure. i am so beyond excited. we are moving up, for sure.

          not sure what else to write about right now but realized i need to start keeping up on this stuff again. :)

          until next time
                 Aiden

coming to terms with reality

Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...

my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one. 

on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed. 

i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit. 

other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore. 

honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better. 

-oo-

Aiden

ugh

we were without internet for a few weeks. i am trying to break through on a few things emotionally, physically and health wise. it is not working great and i am having a hard time caring. i am trying to kick my ass into gear. i really don't like how i live. i am not as happy as i could be and i know that. i am going to try... keep trying.

i have begun really working on the movie ideas now. getting ideas for plots, the type of zombies, doing makeup research, working on things that are going to be involved in the development of the story. trying a few ideas and trying to figure out what feels right along with what we are capable of having access to film in but still something decent looking enough that it is real. i am really going to be kicking ass at this. i have around 6-8 months to work on the plot, character development and so forth. trying to work on things.baby steps but for sure trying to get other people to help me out with things. i need to try to find someone who is willing to work on the legal aspect of helping make forms, print them off, send them out, keep addresses and phone numbers, etc. i would do it myself but i don't think i can on top of everything else. along with that, i think it would be good to have someone other than me doing the phone stuff. i dunno, i am going to try to see if i can get anyone in the area. that would be great. i wish more of the zombie fans that i know lived closer.

i am trying to get myself to watch more zombie movies, try to read some zombie short stories or stories that people have written. i want to try to see the diffeent aspects and types of zombies out there. i am thinking i am narrowing the type of zombies down pretty well. hopefully should know that for sure by the end of the week.

i think that i am going to write deadlines in my planner that will help me keep on schedule for things. otherwise i have a feeling that i will end up somehow messing it up. i really hope that i can do this.

i have been hungry all the time for the last two or three weeks. i am not sure why but i am always hungry. i am trying to not over eat but it hasn't been working so well. then i went to my friends house and i weighed myself while i was on her scale and i was down to 215. so i lost 2 pounds after eating TONS of food. i really need to start working out because once i start my metabolism is gonna kick my ass but i will masculinize fast, i will feel better... there are so many benefits. i will be so happy to be healthy, be able to run if i need to, be able to walk distances with the dog. i am sick of being lazy and tired all the time. i never used to be this way and i don't want to be. i am 28 years old and i am in worse shape than i have ever been. i don't want to have to be this way for the rest of my life.

looking into props, makeup and everything for the movie got me really excited. i have some really cool ideas and i really think that it can be a real thing and maybe a group of us with start up something. otherwise, i think i might get into trying to do directing little videos, making things for my youtube. it could be really fun to do. i will have to see. i want to talk to my buddy, jens, more about the things that he does and maybe he will come over and we will be able to just hang out and he can show me how he does what he does, what programs, etc.

i am kind of excited for the process of picking music. i want to try to pick a type and some local bands/ smaller time bands that might be willing to let us use their music or a song. i wish i could find someone who would be able to compose or create actually music, also. i am not sure. but i want to try to get some awesome songs.

let's see... trying to think if there is anything else that i can think of at the moment. it is nice to have the internet back again. i need to remember to post youtubes and blogs more again. once i get my new phone in a few weeks i will probably be able to do things from my phone. :) i am excited to get the new phone. very excited.

well, i am going to go for now. might write more in a bit, we will see if i can think of anything to even write about.

-oo-
Aiden

A lot going on

So, got to go see Michael buble in concert with Kat and it was amazing! Best concert that I can say I have been there. It was awesome. Kat came home with a coffee cup and I got a autographed cd. Oh, and we finally found our song. 'Close your eyes.' I like it a lot and it very much hits our relationship right on the head.
I had my step deprived e.e.g. done the other day. It wasn't too bad. I passed out a few times. Haha. It was weird. I was so tired and that is so weird to me that I am always tired now. I have been like this for so long. I'm just always tired and I am even with caffeine and stuff. I don't know how I got to this point. It is driving me insane. I feel so old. I miss being able to just be up and do things. I don't know if it is my depression or my age that is making me so tired all the time but I really don't pike it at all. I never get anything done because I am always sitting on my ass. I need to try to change that as much as I can.
I had my e.e.g. the other day. Won't get much info for a month after another test. Hopefully learn more about the seizure situation. Cause that is still  worrying me.
The kiddo is starting school Monday. Headstart. I am excited for him to start making friends. :) it will be very good for him. :)
I am not totally sure what all to write since I am on my pbne and it takes longer than hauL to type. And I am kind of tired. Ugh. Anyway... I am gonna go for now. Might find something to do or just lay down. Laters yo!

crossing fingers again

I have done some research and am working on figuring out if I can get my insurance to cover my top surgery/ breast reduction. I am hoping the way it is going will continue until it is totally approved but so far so good. one step at a time.

On the 11th Kat and I are going to see Michael Buble in the cities. I am very excited. My mom and step dad got us tickets. This is technically going to be our second date, which I find funny since we are engaged and have been dating for almost 2 years. Having a kid, her working, always being busy with people, being broke and other things have made it a bit difficult. But, this is going to be a great event for us.

So, over the next year or so I am going to be working on the production, writing and so forth of a low budget zombie movie. So, basically at the moment, the biggest part right now is writing. I need something to show people in order to get them willing to invest, willing to take part in it, willing to be a part of the production along with the crew. The crew may be some of the biggest parts that are gonna be difficult along with the cameras and all the professional type gear. I am going to end up advertising for people needed at the colleges. I want to make this happen. I really think that this could be really fun if done right but also something that could be something that could actually be really cool. i think a huge part of it will be finding the equipment and the right people to keep the project going.

I decided to focus most of my efforts at this time on the one project while working slowly on some of my side things like art. But my biggest thing right now will be working on finding other writers and people who can be behind the project to help get things going so we have a script and everything to work with.

I have a few ideas of where and how the movie could be made, some buildings that could be used... thing is making those options usable and accepted by the building owners. i guess we will see for right now but i am hoping that at least one of them will work ok.

so other than those things, there isn't a whole lot going on in my life so i guess that is it for now. :)

-Aiden

cha.. cha... chaaanges....

so, for the last 5 days Kat has been working on a schedule that has made my sleep schedule be decently normal. i hated it at first and was debating staying up all night but since we have aedan i needed to sleep at night like a regular person and get up to get her at 8 then stay up with the kid. i figured this would be hell but it turns out with my new vitamin d and my new multi vitamin that is supposed to help with energy, it is working out pretty well. i take them right away when i get up and usually bring her to work or go pick her up, depending on what shift she was working. i come back, have breakfast with the kid, i have been doing artwork and some random things i need to do. yesterday i even cleaned off my disaster of a desk and it is now a functional art/ computer desk. i already have worked on a project of painting my one cell phone cover. that is actually still a work in progress. but yesterday was a very successful and productive day.

i set plans for calls to make later today once kat wakes up. going to look into top surgery that might be covered by my insurance. we will see but i am crossing my fingers beyond belief right now.

as usual, i got some samples in the mail. these were for some natural energy drinks. they are powdered and you add them to 8 oz. of water, i ended up getting the grape flavor and i have to admit i really like them. i ended up trying one yesterday cause i was starting to feel really tired around 4. it helped kick me into gear and it made things a ton better. it wasn't like a jittery high feeling just a bit more pumped up. a bit of a kick in the butt, if you will. i am thinking about possibly investing in some of those. they aren't the cheapest thing in the world but they are pretty awesome. they would be really handy to have for those days when i am dragging really bad when aedan is here or when i can't make it through the day without feeling like i need a nap every five minutes. i am trying to stay on regular people time. key word is TRYING. but you have to start somewhere.

last time i went into my endo they told me that my estrogen is high so i am working on trying to figure out ways to lower my testosterone. so, i talked to a few people and one person mentioned that they were on the depo shot until he had his hysto. so i am going to talk to my endo and see if that is an option.

still working on making changes here and there. taking half my meds in the morning and half at night. the multi-vitamin, vitamin d, half my mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anxiety and so forth in the morning and the other half with dinner. so far, that seems to be actually helping and balancing things out a bit better. i am liking it. i used to hate doing that but i think that it is helpful. i have been abe to get along with the kid a bit better but at the same time he is acting a bit better. it all varies but he seems to be listening to be different now that i feel a little better and am kind of being nicer to him, which is nice for the both of us.

so, this upcoming weekend is going to be Duluth-Superior GLBTA Pride. my fiance, myself and two friends are all going down, got a hotel room for the weekend and are going to have fun. :) i am excited very much. this year should be really good. i am really hoping anyway. should be pretty fun. :crosses fingers: and this year i am going to try to remember to take lots of pictures. i will be taking my laptop and trying to take videos and pictures and everything. :)

also, on the 11th Kat and I are going to be seeing Michael Buble in the cities. i posted on facebook just saying that i would LOVE to go to his concert for a romantic evening with kat and my mom frickin BOUGHT us tickets and even paid for the parking. now we are going to be staying at our friends house for the night down there. i am beyond excited. the next two weeks are going to be amazing. :)

other than those things i have been trying to get back in connection with more of the spiritual things again. i am working on it but it is difficult at times because my brain can't seem to focus on anything even though i am not doing anything. i am working on trying to get my shit back into regular roles, the things i do into their places, the thoughts into their positions so that i can take action and get going on the things in my life.

we have decided that we will probably end up living in this apartment for the winter and looking for something else after that. give us a chance to figure out if and what we want to do about a house or if we want to go to an apartment. if we are going to have our friend live with us or not. i wish we could move into the 7 bedroom house but i am just not sure do to the electric and heating bills. that is the only thing i am really worried about with such a big house. but i want to move somewhere where we will be staying. we need to get into a HOME and be home. i am done moving. i don't want to move again after this move. i really am sick of moving. i want to settle for at least ten years. we will be here until aedan graduated high school for sure so that gives us about 14 if he doesn't fail any grades or anything like that. but we will see. i just want a HOME.

well, i suppose that is all for right now. can't think of anything else at this point but may write more later depending on what strikes. :)

-Aiden