cha.. cha... chaaanges....

so, for the last 5 days Kat has been working on a schedule that has made my sleep schedule be decently normal. i hated it at first and was debating staying up all night but since we have aedan i needed to sleep at night like a regular person and get up to get her at 8 then stay up with the kid. i figured this would be hell but it turns out with my new vitamin d and my new multi vitamin that is supposed to help with energy, it is working out pretty well. i take them right away when i get up and usually bring her to work or go pick her up, depending on what shift she was working. i come back, have breakfast with the kid, i have been doing artwork and some random things i need to do. yesterday i even cleaned off my disaster of a desk and it is now a functional art/ computer desk. i already have worked on a project of painting my one cell phone cover. that is actually still a work in progress. but yesterday was a very successful and productive day.

i set plans for calls to make later today once kat wakes up. going to look into top surgery that might be covered by my insurance. we will see but i am crossing my fingers beyond belief right now.

as usual, i got some samples in the mail. these were for some natural energy drinks. they are powdered and you add them to 8 oz. of water, i ended up getting the grape flavor and i have to admit i really like them. i ended up trying one yesterday cause i was starting to feel really tired around 4. it helped kick me into gear and it made things a ton better. it wasn't like a jittery high feeling just a bit more pumped up. a bit of a kick in the butt, if you will. i am thinking about possibly investing in some of those. they aren't the cheapest thing in the world but they are pretty awesome. they would be really handy to have for those days when i am dragging really bad when aedan is here or when i can't make it through the day without feeling like i need a nap every five minutes. i am trying to stay on regular people time. key word is TRYING. but you have to start somewhere.

last time i went into my endo they told me that my estrogen is high so i am working on trying to figure out ways to lower my testosterone. so, i talked to a few people and one person mentioned that they were on the depo shot until he had his hysto. so i am going to talk to my endo and see if that is an option.

still working on making changes here and there. taking half my meds in the morning and half at night. the multi-vitamin, vitamin d, half my mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anxiety and so forth in the morning and the other half with dinner. so far, that seems to be actually helping and balancing things out a bit better. i am liking it. i used to hate doing that but i think that it is helpful. i have been abe to get along with the kid a bit better but at the same time he is acting a bit better. it all varies but he seems to be listening to be different now that i feel a little better and am kind of being nicer to him, which is nice for the both of us.

so, this upcoming weekend is going to be Duluth-Superior GLBTA Pride. my fiance, myself and two friends are all going down, got a hotel room for the weekend and are going to have fun. :) i am excited very much. this year should be really good. i am really hoping anyway. should be pretty fun. :crosses fingers: and this year i am going to try to remember to take lots of pictures. i will be taking my laptop and trying to take videos and pictures and everything. :)

also, on the 11th Kat and I are going to be seeing Michael Buble in the cities. i posted on facebook just saying that i would LOVE to go to his concert for a romantic evening with kat and my mom frickin BOUGHT us tickets and even paid for the parking. now we are going to be staying at our friends house for the night down there. i am beyond excited. the next two weeks are going to be amazing. :)

other than those things i have been trying to get back in connection with more of the spiritual things again. i am working on it but it is difficult at times because my brain can't seem to focus on anything even though i am not doing anything. i am working on trying to get my shit back into regular roles, the things i do into their places, the thoughts into their positions so that i can take action and get going on the things in my life.

we have decided that we will probably end up living in this apartment for the winter and looking for something else after that. give us a chance to figure out if and what we want to do about a house or if we want to go to an apartment. if we are going to have our friend live with us or not. i wish we could move into the 7 bedroom house but i am just not sure do to the electric and heating bills. that is the only thing i am really worried about with such a big house. but i want to move somewhere where we will be staying. we need to get into a HOME and be home. i am done moving. i don't want to move again after this move. i really am sick of moving. i want to settle for at least ten years. we will be here until aedan graduated high school for sure so that gives us about 14 if he doesn't fail any grades or anything like that. but we will see. i just want a HOME.

well, i suppose that is all for right now. can't think of anything else at this point but may write more later depending on what strikes. :)

-Aiden

things... more things... blah blah blah

in a strange place in life. feeling ambitious, semi motivated... but i just can't get that ummph to get going. i am working on a few major things in my personal life. trying to get my health back in order. getting my shoe life on the 21st so walking won't be an issue at all. i am hoping to be able to get a tens unit soon, too. that would help my back soooo much. it did when i used my exes. anyway... a.d.d.

working on eating smaller portions still. have been slipping up a lot more lately. but i am working on that.

i quit smoking. i am 15 days without a cigarette right now. i am using the patch and e-cigs with no actual tobacco in them. i have a blueberry flavor right now, it is actually pretty nice. kind of tastes like this blueberry cereal i had once. it's nice. :) it's great cause i can just plug it into a usb port on my computer to charge the battery again. it's really cool.

i dropped a little weight. went from 223 to 217. didn't even know i did. but hopefully next time i go into the doctor it will have dropped again. i keep hoping. :crosses fingers: i am working on walking. i started a walking group with a handful of random people in hibbing. it's pretty cool. i didn't get to go the first time because i was sick in bed with stomach issues [we are pretty sure i have ibs] so i couldn't make it. but i heard it was pretty fun :) but i plan on going this next time. hopefully my stomach will calm the hell down.

there are a lot of things that i need to do. i need to work on thing with my laziness, my lack of motivation, my fear of failure AND success, and so forth. i need to get back into therapy so tomorrow i am calling in and setting up an appointment with someone my old therapist recommended. so, we will see what happens, i suppose. the sooner the better, though.

but my biggest issue now is letting myself fail but still getting back up and fighting just as hard as i was in the first place. i am at the point where i just give up and stop doing anything remotely like what i was doing. i think that is why i have nothing to do. i restricted myself from doing so many things when i was with my ex. she really dragged my soul out and beat the crap out of it. i am very lucky to have a fiance as amazing as Kat. her coming into my life was the biggest and best moment of my life. and when we get married, i will be the proudest husband in the world to say she is my wife and i know that she actually loves me. it won't be awhile til we were to get married anyway. not doing it until after my top surgery is done. i refuse to get married with my ee's. not gonna happen.

pride is coming up soon so excited about that. it's gonna be a good one this year, too. was hoping for a room for just kat and i and it didnt work out as planned, but it is still gonna be a ton of fun! i really really hope so. lmao. trying to get my art into the art exhibit but still not hearing from anyone at this point so, i dunno. we'll see, i guess.

i feel things changing slowly inside my head, i like it. i like the changes i am making in my life. finding spirituality... gaining some motivation to start trying harder at the food issues and trying to motivate myself to work out. i am surprised at myself and i really like it. this is the way i used to be. i am hoping that this is going to stay cause i am sick of being stuck in a rut that i can't get out of on my own. i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. i want to change things. thing is that i always say i want things to be different, i wish they were... but not i am acting towards making those thoughts, dreams, hopes into a reality or at least close to it. in order to lose weight you have to find some kind of way to lose weight. walking is a great way to walk. there for, go walking with  my friends. that one, i have covered. i am just not sure about what else i could do to work out. maybe when i wake up every morning [setting a new schedule] i could lift my 5 lb weights, take a shower. i dunno. gotta find some things to do. keep myself occupied!

i am really hoping that we are able to get a loan so that kat can buy a house and we will have a home that we can live in til we decide to move after aedan graduates high school. all i know is that i am truly hoping that we will be able to get a decent loan so that we can take a look at a few houses that i have seen as an option. i really would like to have my own art/ work room. i would be active all the time. i could get income, i bet just for my art and things like that. i want that. i want to be able to work as an artist but i need to get back into drawing on a daily basis. that is something i keep saying that i will do but i really do need to do that. i need to. this is my passion and i need to stop fluffing off. i am 28, not getting any younger and i am broke as fuck and about to lose my food stamps. so, yeah... but trying not to focus on the bad things. i am trying to ignore them and try to make things more positive. i have to start or it will just stay crappy and mopey. i refuse to do that for the rest of my life.

ok, i am rambling beyond belief. half of this probably doesn't even make sense but yeah. lol. i should go to sleep. kind of didn't realize what time it is.

-oo-
Aiden

the world as i saw it is changing...

so, starting up a walking group in hibbing. gonna do weekly walks. then eventually try to get to more than one a week. hoping it kind of takes off. there are a lot of people who don't like to walk alone. plus need the kick in the butt of other people and motivation from other people to help get them started. i just hope it works out for the better.

i am starting to take action. starting to get my actions going rather than just sitting around doing nothing. i need to start getting into better habits rather than just sitting around doing nothing.

things need to change. i need to stop dreaming and hoping things will change and just start to change them myself. i can't sit around and HOPE things will happen... you get nothing done or fixed that way. things must change.

fundraising page in progress

i am working on setting up a fundraising page where all of my fundraising, contributions and so forth will be centralized so they are easier to keep track of.

http://wtsf-ftm.blogspot.com/

please check it out. i do not have the sites to contribute or purchase anything finished yet but i will have them done soon and i will be letting people know as soon as they are ready to get going.

random other things happening but nothing major at the moment. getting more stickers in the mail still, free magazines, samples and so forth. enjoying writing emails to companies and getting free products, catalogues, stickers and everything the like. i have an awesome collection of stickers for when i start my art desk but i am not starting one until we figure out where we are moving.

kat got promoted so we are for sure going to move. we are hoping to get a three bedroom so that i will be able to have an office to work on my artwork and writing in a space that is set up to do so that the child and animals can not get to. i am hoping that all goes as planned. we will see how everything goes, i suppose.

well, gonna have to get ready to go pick up kat from work so i will write more later.

-AW

more stickers

              finally got around to posting the newer stickers that i have been getting in the mail. i remind you, these were all free. i didn't pay a penny for ANY of these. 

        pretty good collection coming in. will be lots more coming in still. wrote to more companies. :) i will keep updating as i get more.

i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.

-A

a few new ideas

so, i am trading art with a pen pal of mine and i am really excited cause i love her piece she is sending to me.

i have been looking into these little things called Artist Trading Cards, also known as ATCs. so basically they are trading pieces of artwork the size of trading cards like the baseball cards or whatever. they seem pretty cool. there are a bunch of people on listia doing it, some websites that you trade artwork, letters, etc. i really like this idea. and in the mean time get back into my full scale work like my painting i started and never finished. i was inspired by my friend who offered to send me a piece of hers and then wanted one of mine. i need to use a canvas that i have and make something for her.

i am still collecting free stickers. been getting more in the mail all the time. need to take new pictures of the newest stickers cause i keep forgetting. i have gotten a decent amount and am still getting more every day. need to try to start finding more companies who might send things for free. i am also trying to look around for materials for a desk or a free desk anywhere.

we are looking for a rent to own home, get a place large enough that i can have my own art desk/ work area so then i can produce my work with space andd have things formally organized. i really need a whole room. that will be ideal if we can find a place like that. we found a 7 bedroom for 709  month. honestly, i want it. i want to see it in person and then i want to decide from there. we would need a few bedrooms though. it is an interesting idea. i have a friend who might be able to move in with us, but not sure since he is in treatment right now and with one friend in recovery and one who has admit that he is an alcoholic. i just don't want to have that worry for him. i just really want to be able to have that place if it is as nice as my friend said that it is.

i have meant to blog a few times but i just haven't gotten around to it. i need to stop ditching things and just do them. i need to make a goal of writing at LEAST once a week. then try to go up from there, if it goes well. i think it will be helpful for myself. maybe post the artwork i have created over the week. or show some of the process of drawing.

oh, i have also decided that i really want to try to get a drafting board. that would be REALLY great to have next to the drawing/ writing desk. since my laptop is tiny and whenever i get my desktop fixed, that won't take up much of the room that i will have of the desk if i can set it up right.

i really am gonna figure this all out about possibly just making it but i would need to get someone to help me do it, the materials, the tools, etc. i just dunno if that is gonna happen to be honest. maybe i can just get one of those huge metal desks from the 70s and 80s. i know there is one at my dad's house but it has been there since when my dad moved in back in 97... i am not wanting to touch or move it. i am just gonna keep looking around. hoping that we will be able to get a house soon and go from there.

well, just going to try to think about some random things that i can do to help look for one. earn some money for top surgery. opening a bank account. making ATCs... ugh, so much i want to do but i have to start with one thing. oye.

well, peace out for now
-A