i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.

-A

a few new ideas

so, i am trading art with a pen pal of mine and i am really excited cause i love her piece she is sending to me.

i have been looking into these little things called Artist Trading Cards, also known as ATCs. so basically they are trading pieces of artwork the size of trading cards like the baseball cards or whatever. they seem pretty cool. there are a bunch of people on listia doing it, some websites that you trade artwork, letters, etc. i really like this idea. and in the mean time get back into my full scale work like my painting i started and never finished. i was inspired by my friend who offered to send me a piece of hers and then wanted one of mine. i need to use a canvas that i have and make something for her.

i am still collecting free stickers. been getting more in the mail all the time. need to take new pictures of the newest stickers cause i keep forgetting. i have gotten a decent amount and am still getting more every day. need to try to start finding more companies who might send things for free. i am also trying to look around for materials for a desk or a free desk anywhere.

we are looking for a rent to own home, get a place large enough that i can have my own art desk/ work area so then i can produce my work with space andd have things formally organized. i really need a whole room. that will be ideal if we can find a place like that. we found a 7 bedroom for 709  month. honestly, i want it. i want to see it in person and then i want to decide from there. we would need a few bedrooms though. it is an interesting idea. i have a friend who might be able to move in with us, but not sure since he is in treatment right now and with one friend in recovery and one who has admit that he is an alcoholic. i just don't want to have that worry for him. i just really want to be able to have that place if it is as nice as my friend said that it is.

i have meant to blog a few times but i just haven't gotten around to it. i need to stop ditching things and just do them. i need to make a goal of writing at LEAST once a week. then try to go up from there, if it goes well. i think it will be helpful for myself. maybe post the artwork i have created over the week. or show some of the process of drawing.

oh, i have also decided that i really want to try to get a drafting board. that would be REALLY great to have next to the drawing/ writing desk. since my laptop is tiny and whenever i get my desktop fixed, that won't take up much of the room that i will have of the desk if i can set it up right.

i really am gonna figure this all out about possibly just making it but i would need to get someone to help me do it, the materials, the tools, etc. i just dunno if that is gonna happen to be honest. maybe i can just get one of those huge metal desks from the 70s and 80s. i know there is one at my dad's house but it has been there since when my dad moved in back in 97... i am not wanting to touch or move it. i am just gonna keep looking around. hoping that we will be able to get a house soon and go from there.

well, just going to try to think about some random things that i can do to help look for one. earn some money for top surgery. opening a bank account. making ATCs... ugh, so much i want to do but i have to start with one thing. oye.

well, peace out for now
-A

cleaning out the book

so, i am going through my facebook list, i like usually do ever few months since i like to make new friends and see if they will talk to me, if they don't they are gone.

right now, i am dropping people who don't talk that much or comment or anything. but i do tend to add random new friends a bit after that and then i will try to give a new few people and chance to be friends, chat and what not. if it doesn't work out and we just stop talking, i delete them. that is how i make friends and i make sure to warn people ahead of time and just let them do what they want to do, whether they come back or not.

ok, i am going to get back to the fun deleting people and then adding people! ^_^

-A

this world is spinning

so, the last two days have been crazy. last night we went to fireworks in nashwauk. then i dropped \kat off for work in chisholm then drove back to nashwauk because i got to see my 'daughter' for the first time in about 3 years. she couldn't stop hugging me and we talked and talked and talked. she is already taller than me and is already 13. so crazy. is on tumbler all the time and youtube. just so strange from the little girl i remember her is. she is growing into a woman. a beautiful woman. and she still has me in her phone as dad. :) that means the world to me.

went to two parades today, didn't burn but my rashes broke out on my arms. but all in all it wasn't bad at all. i had my sph 50 on, sunglasses, a golf sized rainbow unbrella. i am prepped. and like 4 bottles of water. haha

i have decided to quit smoking. i am doing it slowly but i am doing it.

i am nervous as hell about meeting my new therapist and i have no idea what to say to her, what to bring up... i just worry. its a whole new person so i am wondering if it would go good, but then it could go back really really bad. ugh, i am too nervous about it.

so i am sighing up for free magazines everywhere and i am basically collecting old magazines and finding ways to use them for my artwork. i am so excited for this to happen. i have so many ideas. EEEE. i need to get some new paper, too, but i will not worry about that one just yet.

i am trying to turn all my energy to my art and blogging and all that goes along with my art. need to get the scanner working soon. that will be helpful so my pictures will look must more professional. i am excited to have my artwork to be more professional looking. and now i also have to try to find other ideas. i have to keep my creativity going or it loses momentum and i just give up at some point. i hate that it happens, but i know it does and i am trying to change that.

trying to eat less. made about half less of the chicken nuggets than i normally would. i wonder if i can even finish it. i am trying really hard to control portions. those random binges are killing me though. that is the stuff i need to get figued out and worked on.

-A

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time
-A

my head is spinning...

i spend my days doing nothing. i'm probably watching a movie in bed or on the couch, in my underwear and a tshirt, no binders. while i am doing that i am often writing letters, journaling, drawing, surfing the net and looking at more awesome artwork from other people. i have to drive kat to and from work, which isn't a major deal, but other than that i never really leave the apartment right now. i am trying to get my art back going but i am not sure if photography is really the way i want to go cause i would have to find models again since all mine moved and then i moved to hibbing. i have become a total hermit and i need to try to fix that. soon. it's not healthy for me or anyone.  

so, i suppose i can write a bit about the ideas that i have as things for me to do, like homework, and work on understanding my mental illnesses, i will have to leave the apartment to interact with some people [i will make myself]. i am going to start doing the affirmations again but this time in the new journal. it is going to be my health/ mental health/ therapy notes and what not. i cut out a bunch of cool random things from magazines and am probably going to put them on the book sometime in the next few days. only annoying thing is that it is a sketchbook so no lines to write so my writing is gonna get crazy, i am sure. but it is twice as thick as all the other ones that i had before. that is why we picked that one. 

i have decided that i am going to try to quit smoking at some point in the next month or so. both kat and i are going to try. it should be interesting. i haven't tried to quit in probably 5 years. i have been wanting to but then i am like... i just smoked a pack and a half... shit. and they have that med, chantix, but i am too afraid to take it. i hear so many bad things from people about it and i just would prefer not to use that, if i can stay away from it. i am ok with my meds that i am taking but i will just try to do this without anything. i am going to taper down. i am hoping that it will help and it will keep me from being more and more crabby. we will see. :crosses fingers:

there are a lot of things that i want to talk about in this blog other than just random updating. i have been debating on what i could do to it. i want to try to do something and maybe more people would be interested in what i have as my art, my writing but also on certain topics. i could always make some kind of schedule and pre-pick topics and try to write stuff about them. any thoughts from anyone? i need input, please.

my head has been swimming lately with ideas, plans, thoughts, random shit to do with everything that i have been trying to do. it is weird feeling and not even the ativan is helping calm it down, which is kind of rare. normally it does help a bit, at least. i am not totally sure what is up cause i am tensing my muscles all the time so i am always sore from clenching. i have to remind myself to breath a lot, too. and when i did physical therapy my doc had to tell me to relax almost every five or so minutes cause i would clench up while doing my rotations. this is something that i am going to have to bring up to my new therapist for sure because it does worry me a lot. makes me paranoid a bit.

i feel as though i have reached a point in the road where i need to make a decision of trying to get my shit together and pushing even if i fail. i kept trying to take the short cut but that was because i was lazy. now i have to go the long way, would have been easier just to do it right the first time. but, what can you do, right? lmao. i just worry about lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

i am going to go try to find some topics or something for blogs. i think it would be kind of fun to do that along with my regular updates and venting and whatever. haha. 

love, peace and chicken grease!

-A

getting sick. caught it from kat and she got it from work. coughing, stuffed up, etc. trying to stay on track with everything. i have done research for a questionaire so i am going to post that shortly when i am done filling it out. the questions were all found on websites that were supposed to help a person discover more about themselves, get to know themselves and so forth. we will see, i guess.

i am going to be trying a bunch of different things right now that are supposed to help with self esteem, self discovery and so forth. i am hoping it will help in some way. i am going to try to talk to my therapist about all these kind of things for part of the treatment, help, ideas she may have of other things that i could try to do. i am hoping that she is helpful in that kind of way.

i am not sure what all to write about. nothing major is happening right now so i will just go ahead and finish that so i can post it. 

-A