Tuesday, March 17, 2015

another entry

         So, I have been wanting to write for awhile but now that I am writing I am not sure what all I wanted to write about. Oh, first I finally finished The Maze Runner. I had already seen the movie so it made it a little tough to read through but there were enough things different to keep me interested in reading further. I finished it and started reading the next book and by the end of my reading day I had made it over halfway through The Scorch Trials. I am loving this book even more than the first. I am loving this series.
         I have been winning a lot of free books from this website that I am using and I have decided that I am going to read them. I was originally going to sell them or something for some money but I may just read them and if I like them I will keep them. Why not? I mean, I have already won 5 books, an audio book and an e-book. It is awesome. I am loving it. I am hoping that is with reading more I will find more interest in writing again. Which, I know that blogging more often is going to help to get juices flowing. I am actually debating on doing writing prompts again just to get myself going. I hate them but I obviously need it.
         I am going to be starting a therapy art group. I am not sure what to expect but I am hoping it will get me back into my artwork. I miss being able to use my art for anything. Even my pen pal letters are just black ink and that is it. Half the time I write in cursive since it is faster. I mean, I have basically given up.
         Speaking of which, I am getting another anti-depressant added to my med list. We are hoping it will help just a little bit more. The anti-depressant that I am taking works a little bit but obviously not enough so hopefully adding this will help more. I am just sick of sitting in this stupid spot forever.
         I am starting pen paling again. One through mail and one through email plus one of the old ones for mail. I just got so lazy lately. I have to fake it til I make it.
         Oh, also... so I was without a phone for about 5 days and couldn't get ahold of anyone other than through facebook and I realized how few people are on facebook often. I really need to try to lay off the facebook. But, I found another one and was about to fix it up... then it died so I had to go back to my phone I had about 5 years ago, the LG Optimus S. The screen is so small for my thumbs. It is funny but so weird. I am just happy to have a phone so I am able to get ahold of the people that I need to, which is pretty awesome. So, may not be that great but it is something and at least it is better than being stuck with a flip phone.
         Haha, I bought a CD the other day. Yes, literally bought a CD at the store. I really like this rapper G-Eazy and I saw his cd for 9.99 and I couldn't pass it up. I really like him and his style. I have been listening to him and Mac Miller off and on lately. White Rappers. Haha.
         Well, not totally sure what else to write about at the moment so I am going to go try to do some writing. See what I can come up with, if anything at all.


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.


Monday, March 2, 2015

I feel a change in the wind, my friend...

Alright, so there are some pretty interesting things happening for me since I have written last.

I recently purchased a gc2b binder and have never been happier with a binder. I got the right size from my guess and the first time I tried it on I was so happy. It is FAR more comfortable than the other ones that I have used over the years. And it actually wasn't expensive, which is even cooler to me.

Then I got packing briefs finally and too many failed attempts at making my own. I love it. I feel much more comfortable when I go places. I am loving being able to use my packer. I have had it for over a year and had never used it in reality.

And in other news, we did some grocery shopping and I grabbed a ton of fruit and some healthier things for me to eat. I am trying to make plans to make things work better in my health. I am trying to eat a little less and better. I had to stop my cholesterol med cause it was having issues with my liver. So, i am doing things to deal with that.

I forced myself to fill out some paperwork, wrote a letter, did some reading, did some laundry with Kat, cleaned a good quarter of the room... I am trying to figure out things to keep me going. I will write more in awhile. I am going to try to help get Aedan ready for bed.