Friday, August 15, 2014

I feel like I lose

I have been beginning to feel like I lose at everything I try to do. I am beginning to wonder why I try to do things thinking that I can do it. I fall short of everything I try to aim for. even things I love doing or just do casually. it's a constant fight to try to stay positive all the time. it's a constant issue to figure out if I can make it through the next attempt at something. and I never even have the ambition to stay attempting things after the first fail.

I am so tired. I am losing my ambition that I barely had. I find it hard to keep fighting when I keep losing. I find it hard to keep trying.

I started smoking cigarettes again after my grandma passed away. one whole year without and I fell... it took one bad event and I was so weak in my depression that I just gave up.

my depression has been fighting hard lately to kick my ass. sad part is that it is winning. I hold up strong most of the time and for some reason I am just sick of pretending to be happy and ok with things when I am not. it's a really hard fight on your own. I keep screwing myself out of therapy, any assistance that I do get, etc. I just don't know anymore if anything is worth fighting for but I refuse to turn into my ex who did nothing all the time...

I just don't know what to do with myself...

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