in a strange place in life. feeling ambitious, semi motivated... but i just can't get that ummph to get going. i am working on a few major things in my personal life. trying to get my health back in order. getting my shoe life on the 21st so walking won't be an issue at all. i am hoping to be able to get a tens unit soon, too. that would help my back soooo much. it did when i used my exes. anyway... a.d.d.
working on eating smaller portions still. have been slipping up a lot more lately. but i am working on that.
i quit smoking. i am 15 days without a cigarette right now. i am using the patch and e-cigs with no actual tobacco in them. i have a blueberry flavor right now, it is actually pretty nice. kind of tastes like this blueberry cereal i had once. it's nice. :) it's great cause i can just plug it into a usb port on my computer to charge the battery again. it's really cool.
i dropped a little weight. went from 223 to 217. didn't even know i did. but hopefully next time i go into the doctor it will have dropped again. i keep hoping. :crosses fingers: i am working on walking. i started a walking group with a handful of random people in hibbing. it's pretty cool. i didn't get to go the first time because i was sick in bed with stomach issues [we are pretty sure i have ibs] so i couldn't make it. but i heard it was pretty fun :) but i plan on going this next time. hopefully my stomach will calm the hell down.
there are a lot of things that i need to do. i need to work on thing with my laziness, my lack of motivation, my fear of failure AND success, and so forth. i need to get back into therapy so tomorrow i am calling in and setting up an appointment with someone my old therapist recommended. so, we will see what happens, i suppose. the sooner the better, though.
but my biggest issue now is letting myself fail but still getting back up and fighting just as hard as i was in the first place. i am at the point where i just give up and stop doing anything remotely like what i was doing. i think that is why i have nothing to do. i restricted myself from doing so many things when i was with my ex. she really dragged my soul out and beat the crap out of it. i am very lucky to have a fiance as amazing as Kat. her coming into my life was the biggest and best moment of my life. and when we get married, i will be the proudest husband in the world to say she is my wife and i know that she actually loves me. it won't be awhile til we were to get married anyway. not doing it until after my top surgery is done. i refuse to get married with my ee's. not gonna happen.
pride is coming up soon so excited about that. it's gonna be a good one this year, too. was hoping for a room for just kat and i and it didnt work out as planned, but it is still gonna be a ton of fun! i really really hope so. lmao. trying to get my art into the art exhibit but still not hearing from anyone at this point so, i dunno. we'll see, i guess.
i feel things changing slowly inside my head, i like it. i like the changes i am making in my life. finding spirituality... gaining some motivation to start trying harder at the food issues and trying to motivate myself to work out. i am surprised at myself and i really like it. this is the way i used to be. i am hoping that this is going to stay cause i am sick of being stuck in a rut that i can't get out of on my own. i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. i want to change things. thing is that i always say i want things to be different, i wish they were... but not i am acting towards making those thoughts, dreams, hopes into a reality or at least close to it. in order to lose weight you have to find some kind of way to lose weight. walking is a great way to walk. there for, go walking with my friends. that one, i have covered. i am just not sure about what else i could do to work out. maybe when i wake up every morning [setting a new schedule] i could lift my 5 lb weights, take a shower. i dunno. gotta find some things to do. keep myself occupied!
i am really hoping that we are able to get a loan so that kat can buy a house and we will have a home that we can live in til we decide to move after aedan graduates high school. all i know is that i am truly hoping that we will be able to get a decent loan so that we can take a look at a few houses that i have seen as an option. i really would like to have my own art/ work room. i would be active all the time. i could get income, i bet just for my art and things like that. i want that. i want to be able to work as an artist but i need to get back into drawing on a daily basis. that is something i keep saying that i will do but i really do need to do that. i need to. this is my passion and i need to stop fluffing off. i am 28, not getting any younger and i am broke as fuck and about to lose my food stamps. so, yeah... but trying not to focus on the bad things. i am trying to ignore them and try to make things more positive. i have to start or it will just stay crappy and mopey. i refuse to do that for the rest of my life.
ok, i am rambling beyond belief. half of this probably doesn't even make sense but yeah. lol. i should go to sleep. kind of didn't realize what time it is.