Sunday, June 23, 2013

changing life for the better. one day at a time.

basically trying to catch up on things. been doing better on eating less and better portion sizes. it is really annoying cause all i want to do is eat most of the time but when we have dinner or whatever i am not hungry so i have to force myself to eat. i am trying to make sure i am being careful about not eating enough then binging again. i am hoping that things will continue to move in the right direction. :) i am very proud of myself for a lot of the things that i have been able to tell myself no and not that much to. it makes me proud that i was able to control myself enough to not eat it cause it is there. i am also learning that i eat a lot when i am bored. so, i am trying to figure out ways to distract myself other than wandering around in the kitchen looking at food when i am not even hungry.

currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.

also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.

i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!

my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.

i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.

i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.

things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.

planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/

well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.

well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.

much love

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