Friday, June 28, 2013

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time

Monday, June 24, 2013

my head is spinning...

i spend my days doing nothing. i'm probably watching a movie in bed or on the couch, in my underwear and a tshirt, no binders. while i am doing that i am often writing letters, journaling, drawing, surfing the net and looking at more awesome artwork from other people. i have to drive kat to and from work, which isn't a major deal, but other than that i never really leave the apartment right now. i am trying to get my art back going but i am not sure if photography is really the way i want to go cause i would have to find models again since all mine moved and then i moved to hibbing. i have become a total hermit and i need to try to fix that. soon. it's not healthy for me or anyone.  

so, i suppose i can write a bit about the ideas that i have as things for me to do, like homework, and work on understanding my mental illnesses, i will have to leave the apartment to interact with some people [i will make myself]. i am going to start doing the affirmations again but this time in the new journal. it is going to be my health/ mental health/ therapy notes and what not. i cut out a bunch of cool random things from magazines and am probably going to put them on the book sometime in the next few days. only annoying thing is that it is a sketchbook so no lines to write so my writing is gonna get crazy, i am sure. but it is twice as thick as all the other ones that i had before. that is why we picked that one. 

i have decided that i am going to try to quit smoking at some point in the next month or so. both kat and i are going to try. it should be interesting. i haven't tried to quit in probably 5 years. i have been wanting to but then i am like... i just smoked a pack and a half... shit. and they have that med, chantix, but i am too afraid to take it. i hear so many bad things from people about it and i just would prefer not to use that, if i can stay away from it. i am ok with my meds that i am taking but i will just try to do this without anything. i am going to taper down. i am hoping that it will help and it will keep me from being more and more crabby. we will see. :crosses fingers:

there are a lot of things that i want to talk about in this blog other than just random updating. i have been debating on what i could do to it. i want to try to do something and maybe more people would be interested in what i have as my art, my writing but also on certain topics. i could always make some kind of schedule and pre-pick topics and try to write stuff about them. any thoughts from anyone? i need input, please.

my head has been swimming lately with ideas, plans, thoughts, random shit to do with everything that i have been trying to do. it is weird feeling and not even the ativan is helping calm it down, which is kind of rare. normally it does help a bit, at least. i am not totally sure what is up cause i am tensing my muscles all the time so i am always sore from clenching. i have to remind myself to breath a lot, too. and when i did physical therapy my doc had to tell me to relax almost every five or so minutes cause i would clench up while doing my rotations. this is something that i am going to have to bring up to my new therapist for sure because it does worry me a lot. makes me paranoid a bit.

i feel as though i have reached a point in the road where i need to make a decision of trying to get my shit together and pushing even if i fail. i kept trying to take the short cut but that was because i was lazy. now i have to go the long way, would have been easier just to do it right the first time. but, what can you do, right? lmao. i just worry about lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

i am going to go try to find some topics or something for blogs. i think it would be kind of fun to do that along with my regular updates and venting and whatever. haha. 

love, peace and chicken grease!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

getting sick. caught it from kat and she got it from work. coughing, stuffed up, etc. trying to stay on track with everything. i have done research for a questionaire so i am going to post that shortly when i am done filling it out. the questions were all found on websites that were supposed to help a person discover more about themselves, get to know themselves and so forth. we will see, i guess.

i am going to be trying a bunch of different things right now that are supposed to help with self esteem, self discovery and so forth. i am hoping it will help in some way. i am going to try to talk to my therapist about all these kind of things for part of the treatment, help, ideas she may have of other things that i could try to do. i am hoping that she is helpful in that kind of way.

i am not sure what all to write about. nothing major is happening right now so i will just go ahead and finish that so i can post it. 


changing life for the better. one day at a time.

basically trying to catch up on things. been doing better on eating less and better portion sizes. it is really annoying cause all i want to do is eat most of the time but when we have dinner or whatever i am not hungry so i have to force myself to eat. i am trying to make sure i am being careful about not eating enough then binging again. i am hoping that things will continue to move in the right direction. :) i am very proud of myself for a lot of the things that i have been able to tell myself no and not that much to. it makes me proud that i was able to control myself enough to not eat it cause it is there. i am also learning that i eat a lot when i am bored. so, i am trying to figure out ways to distract myself other than wandering around in the kitchen looking at food when i am not even hungry.

currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.

also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.

i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!

my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.

i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.

i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.

things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.

planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/

well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.

well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.

much love

Friday, June 7, 2013

catching up and setting up

right now i am in the process of figuring out the things i need to do over the next week. i need to complete at least half of the things on the list but the more the better. i am working on trying to push things forward with my art business. i need to set things up more business like. make the files, the artwork, the business cards, try to get a website, set up accounts and stay up to date with them, and so much more. i need to start treating like it is actually a true job. it will help get things off of the ground. and i am hoping to at least get someone else who is willing to help with some of it, at least. some people who are willing to spread the word about my artwork. i want to kind of create a street team. but before that i need to start creating more and more work. i have to get to it. i need to buck up and try to make this work somehow.

did another testosterone shot again today. they are getting easier and easier every time since i started to do the shots in the arm. i flinch less. they hurt a bit afterwards but if i just massage it and not baby it too much just use it... it isn't bad. i flinch everywhere else that we have tried to do the shots and this seems to be the spot. so, on my other arm i am thinking that i will have some kind of area that is used for the needle to be a tattoo. the octopus on my right arm gets poked near the eye and it works just great. :) so just need something on the other arm. maybe get something on my thighs just in case i need to do the shots myself at some point. i still am determined to be able to do shots myself.

i am working on setting plans for working out and so forth. setting a schedule so i don't over do it right off the bat, like i tend to do. haha

gonna have to buckle down on this whole making things a business. getting the word out about my work. and i need to kill it on the artwork. fast. i gotta push some shit out FAST. i know i can do it. just gonna have to kick my own ass into gear and try to have people harass me all the time. i am sure kat would work it out for me that she would try to do that as often as she could. we will see.

my art facebook page

things are going to start happening. they have to. i am sick of doing nothing all the time. 

peace out. haha