Tuesday, May 28, 2013

wa wa waaaaa

so, today sucked. the first half was ok but now on the way to get tubes for cigarettes the car just... stopped. we are pretty sure it is either the fuel filter or the fuel pump. hopefully it is just the fuel filter cause that will be a hell of a lot cheaper to replace. but my friend, kaelyn, and i are going back to the car later and try to move it and see what we can do. :sigh: what a damn day...

i am tired now. i am like mentally exhausted. i dunno why but all of a sudden i just crashed energy wise. i really want to take a nap and i would if my buddy, ashley, wasn't over and if we weren't already up to stuff. i am really drained. that took everything out of me. i had to stand in front of a cop and talk to him and i hate cops... they freak me out. i think my anxiety just shot up and now i am tired from that. i dunno. all i know is i have a feeling it is going to be an early night after we deal with the car. god, i hate being this tired.

my head hurts. ugh. what a day. at least we finally have cigarettes again. that is helping today. after the day i have had i am glad. although the car did die on the way to GET the tubes to make the cigarettes so if i wouldn't have gone i probably wouldn't have had to deal with this until possibly tomorrow or something.

i have been having issues with feeling tired all the time lately. i am not sure why but i am always tired, i keep sleeping and passing out left and right. i am not sure why and it is making me worried and kind of annoyed. between that and my tailbone/ lower back hurting... i am just not sure what to do with myself. i really should set up a doctor appointment and stuff but i just don't have the ambition to even do it anymore.

i dunno. i am so not here right now. i just want to go to sleep but i can't...

love, peace and chicken grease

newest stickers :)

yep, posting some more of the free stickers that i have gotten in the mail lately.

Monday, May 20, 2013

looking into the past

so, today i basically spent the entire day searching online for things i can use in my story that i am going to start writing soon. did a lot of marking of pages about insane asylums and so forth around the 30's- 60's. i haven't decided exactly what time period to have it placed in. but we will see as i do more research about everything. I am hoping to pay off my library fines so that I can check out some books and dvds if I can find any of those or anything. I am going to try to look into every single way that I can do the research and try to make it as accurate as possible. The psych ward part is the major thing that I need to make accurate and depending on the time period I will go from there into where I decide to write the story, the final decisions and everything else. One step at a time then they lead to the details. I am going to try to write this the best way I know how and take it slow but try to stay focused as much as possible.

I have basically be watching tons of horror movies and dramas about psych wards, not matter what time period they are in and just trying to get into the right state of mind. I am going to be doing nothing but trying to surround myself with things like this and trying to do mental disorders so I can define and explain why she is in there other than killing people. I know the basics of what she is going to do but I need to figure out what things she is feeling, seeing and so forth to bring her to the point of killing people other than the plot that she has already been given that I will not talk about yet.

There are a lot of ideas racing through my head about where I want the story to go, what I want the basics to be... but I am not totally sure what I want to do yet. I will take it one step at a time.

Still getting more stickers and random things every day. I am loving it. :) I am so glad I signed up and asked for all the stickers from people. I think I am going to do another list of emails but I need to try to make sure I don't email the same people I have already emailed. That is gonna be the toughest part cause I am going to have to go back through the old emails, I think.

Let's see... anything else to write about? I have officially switched to weekly shots. We will see how the changes come from here. I am going to be keeping everything documented in my shot journal like I have been but I need to make sure I write more in it each time. I didn't take very good records of the first year and I kind of wish that I would have. I know I could have but oh well, gotta start now, I guess.

Well, I am good for now since blogger is being weird.
Love, Peace and Chicken Grease, y'all


Thursday, May 16, 2013

the end of another day

got some more stickers today, again. got a cigar box that i am going to turn into a storage box. i am going to sand it down to be able to put a white primer and then cover it with blacklight paint. it should be interesting. i will be posting the process pictures while i am working on it. 

kat is making pancakes for dinner. i am very excited. ^_^

there are a lot of things happening but at the same time nothing is actually happening. i don't know how to explain it. but i am in the process of starting things again which is probably why it feels like nothing is happening. because it is the beginning part of the process. this is the time i give up because i feel it will never amount to anything. i am trying to stand up to that fear, push myself forward and get my shit together. i am 28 and sick of not being as much as i know i could be. it sounds cliche but i know that i need to get my shit together and i am sick of myself whimping out all the time and just doing nothing about it. 

i am amused at how much i am not a kid person. yet i am a total pet person. i guess i have never really known what to do about kids. i have dated a large percent of mothers verses without kids. and i still am awkward with kids... i mean, i am good with aedan, better than with any other kid i have had in my life other than kayla. i am just not a kid person and find myself highly stressed out and increasingly cranky when around kids. i don't understand why and i kind of am curious as to why i have this issue...

i am going to be trying to get a gym membership in virginia with ashley at the ymca. only thing is driving to virginia to work out is a long way with gas prices going up again... i wish i could get my insurance to just cover 24 hour fitness. it would be great, i could go work out whenever i couldn't sleep or whatever. i could have a work out set schedule. i really wish that i could have a gym membership in our town. i really wish it would work out. 

i didn't sleep last night but i took like a half an hour nap. i really want to go to sleep but at the same time want to hang out and chat with ashley. i know i want to stay up for the pancakes. i mean, come on... pancakes. nom nom nom. i sure do love me some pancakes. they are cakes made in your pan... or something like that. i just love pancakes. ^_^ i have always loved pancakes. i remember as a kid we used to go to IHOP all the time. i miss being able to go to IHOP whenever i wanted. that was great... every sunday we went after church. it was the highlight of my week. i dealt with church so that i could go to coffee hour and eat cookies then IHOP. 

it's moments like that right above that make me realize that i have always had a weird obsession with food. i have always had that problem for as long as i can remember. it is isn't very cool to realize i have been pretty much a fat kid my entire life. i have gone through some good stages where i took care of myself and now i just let myself go over the last 6 years, at least. i wish i could say i tried but i really haven't. i just gave up and didn't care. i don't like feeling that way. i want to get back into feeling better, get back into taking care of me like i used to. doing shit all the time, not letting myself sit and do nothing all the time... get to business doing what i need to do for my art, for my pen pals, for my listia account, etc. i am gonna kick my ass into gear. 

well, anyway. gonna go eat. 
love, peace and chicken grease


the stickers so far

the plan:

the not so cool ones or ones i have a LOT of are going to be on the bottom, the republican thing is going to be covered.

and when i get more pictures i will make sure to post the pictures up of them, as well. :)

enjoy looking at my free sticker collection thus far!

love, peace and chicken grease

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

life changes round 907

got some more cool things in the mail today.

had a generally pretty good day. went to my endocriniligist appointment down in duluth and was able to get my testosterone injection dose upped and now we are doing them weekly instead of every other week, which i think will be a lot better. now i just have to get on some trails to try to figure out this whole getting top surgery thing. see if there are any options for getting covered by insurance, if not... try to find ways to start raising money, including selling things, selling artwork/ tattoo designs, etc. i have to find ways to do it. i want to be able to go down to dr. garramone in florida so it might be a bit pricy. but if i am going to have to pay for it out of pocket i am going to go to the best. he is the top surgeon in the field right now, so i am really hoping that maybe we are able to do that. i have talked to kat about possibly taking out a loan or something but we will see. one step at a time. first we need to see if maybe my insurance will cover something.

let's see. i am thinking i am going to make a video tonight after i drop kat off at work. she is going to work at midnight so possibly after that. i really need to make a new video. bad. so, we will see. i will figure out how i feel when i get back. i am debating a few things but i should really work on that. i wish i knew what ever happened to my camera stand cause it would bt cool to paint under blacklight and record it all happening and then fast forward it in video... hrm... maybe i could figure out a way to do it... i will try to think about this... that could be fun!

i will have to leave this up or something to make sure that i remember that i wanted to do that. not sure if i will do it but it could be fun! :D i am in the middle of doing the background for something so i could either work with that one or start over with something. hrm... not sure yet. we will see what i feel like later.

the one i am working on right now, i wish i had black paint pens like i used to because that would come in SO handy at ts point. bah. i miss the days when i had those all the time in high school and was getting them for free from mr. domeqc. i always used them and i loved them SOOO much. they made outlining things much easier than trying to do it the other way.

i might do some writing soon. i am thinking about setting myself a schedule of doing certain activites for certain times of the day. making myself wake up by a certain time and going through a schedule like when i was in treatment. maybe find some online groups during certain hours. possibly. we will see. but i want to set aside at least an hour for art, an hour for writing, once a week a video, working out at least every few days until i can work out every day without killing myself. set certain alarms on my phone. literally FORCE myself to get into the habits that i need to be in. work out a diet and stick to it by shopping and only getting things that will fit into it but allowing a little bit of wiggle room for when i have dinner with the family. lunches should be healthy, same with breakfast. and cutting back slowly on the amounts of what i am eating and try to eat slower.

i am trying not to do too many things at once but i feel and think that i do it this way, it will help. and i will force myself to be accountable. because i will allow myself to do something good if i do the things i don't like to do. like, i can only go online if the dishes are done. or i can only play on the xbox if the living room is at least decently clean and organized. try to figure out things like that. i think it would be really good to do things like that. my therapist would agree for sure.

i just want things to get better. if it is not HUGE that is fine, i have to be happy for the little things. baby steps are how one gets to big steps. you have to start somewhere, you have to start small or you will fall. well, that is the case for most people but anywho...

things right now are going pretty well though. nothing major happening but TRYing to stay positive... keep my head up even when things don't go as well as i want, if i eat too much, if i mess up and forget to do something... i need to try not to get overwhelmed SO fast. i know it is a part of my borderline personality disorder BUT i want to at least say that i am trying to get better, trying to make things better. i feel as though i have backslid a bit and i don't like that. i dunno if i will ever get to where i was before in my life but i really want to try. and to get healthier. that is my main goal. to feel better, not be a loner in the apartment all the time, try to live a somewhat more organized life and try to socialize more outside of the apartment. even if it means just going to sit at a friends house insteat of having everyone come here all the time. that is what happens here other than with our friends AJ but he lives across the street. haha

so i am getting more stubble when i shave on my mustache area. here comes the creepy mustache. haha. i dont think that i will EVER have a mustache cause they weird me out but who knows, maybe at some point i will have one for a bit. along with a mullet. lmfao. sorry, i doubt i will ever have a mustache.

i really need to get my hair trimmed up. i am growing out the top but i really need the long stuff in the back gone and the sides. bah.

man, i can't stop yawning and stretcing for some reason. i may have to sleep a little while kat is at work. weird... we will see. haha. just take it as it comes, i suppose.

well, gonna go for now because i am going to be bringing her to work shortly.
love, peace and chicken grease.


28 and counting

so, had a pretty awesome birthday other than the fact that i was passing out around 2pm... on the couch. i had been awake for about three days and couldn't sleep the two nights before and all of a sudden my body just said, it is time to sleep. NOW.

i am still getting at least one sticker per day in the mail. i am loving it. i hope that this keeps going but i know it won't for very long. but i sent out another email to a handful of companies. i really should be keeping track of these companies... that way i don't end up writing to another one more than once. it will probably happen, too. i am sure it will.

trying to force myself to do things. i didn;t want to do the dishes but i made myself do some. not all of them but some of them. normally i would have just walked away or something and ignored it until kat ended up doing the dishes. i was proud of myself. i am trying to keep doing things like that.

i dunno. kind of a.d.d. and tired. so gonna write more later.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

a copy of my countdown to my birthday [2013]

as promised, here is a random thing about me for day 19. there will be a random thing posted every day until my birthday. some things people may know who are close to me, some no one may know... 

i was in ballet from the age of 3-13. i was in ballet, tap, jazz, modern and baton. here is one of the pictures i was able to find for you to laugh at... ENJOY

i was born Megan Lynne Kilgore. i am an only child, an only grandchild for my grandfather because my mom had a different father than the rest of my aunts and uncles.

i have a weird love for redheads. whether they are guys, girls, animals, etc. some of my favorite actors and actresses are redheads. some of my favorite redheads are:
Marg Helgenbergerkate winsletJulianne MooreSusan SarandonGeri Halliwell,Bernadette PetersAnn Margaret, Conan O'Brien, Nicole KidmanGillian Anderson,Lindsay Lohan [before she went all cracked out and crazy and shit], Isla Lang FisherAmy AdamsEmma StoneWillie NelsonDavid CarusoSeth GreenMichael C. Hall [yeah, a natural redhead believe it or not], Danny Elfman [to most amazing composer... has been involved in pretty much EVERY tim burton movie...], Adam SavageAlan TudykDamian LewisPhilip Seymour HoffmanLouis C.K.Bette MiddlerRupert Grint!!!,Simon PeggTilda SwintonReba McEntire, Kathy Griffin, Zack Ward, Carol Burnett, Debbie Reynolds, Frances Fisher, JUDY GARLAND, Amy Yasbeck, Annette Bening, Alyson Hannigan, Gates McFadden [who was my first ever crush] ...

there are a TON more but i am going to leave it there cause there are already three of these. haha. but, like i said... 
i ♥ redheads... not sure why... but have my entire life

some of my favorite movies are:
ELF, pitch perfect, shaun of the dead, the high school musical movies, the wizard of oz, a star is born [the judy garland version], pretty much anything tim burton, smiley face, the toy story movies, hedwig and the angry inch, fear and loathing in las vegas, breakfast club, donny darko, all the batman movies, house bunny, sucker punch, reefer madness [newer one], the alien series, THOR!, chicago, grumpy and grumpier old men, mean girls, the cell, a bunch more...

i have been to college twice. once for my generals and once for graphic design. i failed out the first time adn the second time i was going to take a break because i was working overnight at a group home and couldn't stay awake during the classes. but, i learned a lot of good things from the short amount of time i was in college and it has helped me in my artwork and also in knowledge of psychology :)

i was in all advanced classes until i was in 5th grade. then i was put into classes at my grade level. by seventh grade i was supposed to fail but i was moved from washington to minnesota and they let me go to the eighth grade... and i failed the eighth grade. i was 19 when i graduated... and i BARELY graduated. i am pretty sure they graduated me cause i was annoying them. lol

i have had animals all of my life. i have had cats, dogs, ferrets, rabbits, rats, hamsters, asian dwarves, a salamander, frogs, fish, and lots of stuffed animals. i love animals and my mom does as well, which is why i was raised around animals and have almost always had an animal in my life. they make my life so much better, give me laughs, snuggles, love, make me accountable for something and someone... i love them. even though they like to destroy things..

i have eczema. i also have one leg longer than the other, one foot a half a shoe size bigger than the other, my one arm is longer than the other and my hair grows faster on the same side, as well. i have depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized high anxiety, and ptsd. i have a bad back and hip due to my leg being longer than the other and my large chest [EE cups].

some of my favorite random things are:
unicorns, phoenix, glitter, batman, zombies, hello kitty, rainbows, blacklights, glow-in-the-dark stuff, bracelets, drawing, writing, laughing, coloring, stickers [particularly bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, etc.], neon colors, sock monkeys, squirrels, jelly fish, seahorses, christmas lights, halloween, snuggles, british accents, fuzzy posters, listening to music, playing my guitar or drums, octopus, my teddy bear people that i draw, buddha, moonstone, opal, opalite, being creative, tattoos, piercings and a ton of other random things

i used to write poetry and short stories all the time. i am in the process of trying to work on that again. i wrote poetry, journaled and wrote stories since i was about 9 and stopped around the time was 21. i have about two 3 inch 3 ring binders full of my poetry and writing, plus all of the random journals that i have written in [about 7]. writing and art are the biggest things in my life. 

i dislike having my picture taken, pickles, mustard, sour kraut, mushrooms, olives, peppers, coconut, almonds, wide ruled paper, when my favorite pens die, getting nothing but junk mail [that is why i am a pen pal with a handful of my friends], misplacing things, running out of cigarettes or having cigarettes and no lighter, forgetting what i am saying in the middle of what i am saying, reading out loud, my chest, when my cats dart of the apartment, wet socks, forgetting someone's name hat i KNOW that i have meta few times, being broke, the doctor's office, hospitals, clinics, shopping in stores during the day, working fast food, car trouble, criticism [which is a part of my biggest flaws], running into walls/ doorways... and a TON more...

i have been pen paling since i was about 12 years old. i love writing letters and getting letters in the mail. yes, we have facebook and email and everything but i like the old fashioned pen and paper letters. it's much more personal and i feel you get a different connection. i have always had at least one pen pal since then. sometimes i end up with about 10, which i think is about how many i have right now, but i always manage to keep things in order for the most part. 

i collect batman things, anything with the green three eyed aliens from the toy story movies, zombie movies, pens and other things that glow under blacklight, stickers [bumper stickers, band stickers, skateboard stickers, etc], squirrel things, sock monkeys, glittery things, bracelets, hats, movies, gel pens/ pens that write really nice, i used to collect journals... not sure why... and a bunch of other random things. but i am trying to cut down on the things that i collect and try to stick with a few things since i have an obscene amount of things... 

i have a weird obsession with handwriting. i wanted to go to school for graphology, which is the pseudoscientific study and analysis of handwriting, especially in relation to human psychology. i like to read and analyze peoples handwriting. i don't know a whole lot about it but i have always been fascinated by how different everyone's handwriting can be. i have been known to change my handwriting over time. sometimes i like to do it just for a change but i like to be able to see how different i can make my writing and see if other people can tell if it was me. 

my dream job since i was about 12 years old was to be an creative director. i would like to be able to design cd booklets, posters, handouts for bands, stickers, patches... it would involve brainstorming with the people i am creating for, creating a theme, helping to create an artistic style for the band or singer. i would work to focus on what would appeal to audiences but still represent who i am working for. there are lots of ways you could be a creative director... television shows, movies, band things, book covers, music videos, video games, advertising, films, music, fashion and much more. but i have always wanted to do things for bands. things like stickers, tshirts, cd booklets, cd designs, patches, logos for the bands, etc. that is my IDEAL job.

i am fascinated by skeletons especially in xrays. i sometimes google xrays and just look at the human body like that. i am always amused with the ones where people et things stuck inside themselves. whether they get something stuck in their throat, in their butt, in their stomach... i find xrays amazingly interesting. i don't know much about the human body because i never took anatomy but i still am amazed. 

i come from a large family on both sides. my mom has 6 half siblings and my dad has 5 siblings. each of my aunts and uncles [other than one] has a minimum of 2 children each. i am the only only child in the entire family. on my mom's side of the family i am the youngest cousin by about 14 years while on my dad's side i am the oldest by about 7 years. i have no cousins near my age. 

i have always wondered what it would be like to have siblings. i have a step sister who is the closest to that but we haven't talked much since we were both in high school and now that i am transitioning she doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, so i have adopted some of my friends as my siblings :)

i am afraid of success. for so long in my life, knowing i have some talent, i have held myself down from really dedicating myself to the things that i love, the things i could get money for and the things that are actually liked by other people. for some reason i have always had issues with ruining my chances at things, like procrastinating so much that i miss deadlines of things, writing things down but never in the same place so i lose track of all the things that people want me to do for them. 

i am hoping that i can push myself through this issue of not allowing myself to succeed.