Wednesday, April 10, 2013

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.


1 comment:

  1. I can relate. I believe this issue goes much deeper than the surface but attaining ambition is completely possible. Truth is everything seems impossible until it is done. This is the lingering ghost of anxiety. Thoughts go wild, the more we think the more energy we burn up leaving us with none to head us in the direction of where we want to be. We feel stuck. Unable to function. Realizing and believing that we feel even worse. Each day is a new day. The most helpful insight I read about was pertaining to self compassion but it works just the same for ambition. The article said how you cannot wait to FEEL self compassionate BEFORE acting with self compassion for when we least feel like being kind to ourselves is when we need it the most. Acting with self compassion even if we do not feel we have it in us gives us the practice we need for it to become familiar. Habits are tricky little buggers, both to create and to break whether they are unhealthy or healthy. I find the same happens with ambition. I could try talking myself up to doing something all day and not get there. I put the pro in procrastination not realizing all that is doing is prolonging the struggle.

    Ever watch olympic diving or gymnastics? You can see the gymnast, pause and breath as they visualize and play out their routine in their mind, they envision themselves accomplishing that routine successfully. Envisioning yourself carry out the tasks you want to do can be empowering. Next comes with ANY AND ALL tools it takes to make the process easier on you... music, incense, fresh breeze through the window... another thing that helps me a lot is changing my "I NEED TO'S" to "I GET TO" it helps subtly yet greatly with gratitude making it less of a chore and more of a curious opportunity. Visualize the final product, when your task is completed and how accomplished it makes you feel. Sometimes we need to act on accomplishing one small thing so that it can energize us to accomplish the next. Practice, dont give up. :)