Monday, April 15, 2013

counting down to my birthday...

16 days until my birthday today. can't believe that i am going to be 28 in 16 days. where have all the years gone? makes me worry about how little i have achieved, how little i have done in my life knowing that i could have gone further with my art, my schooling, my life in general. i can't complain completely because witout going through everything i have gone through, i wouldn't be where i am right now, with the love of my life, etc. i just truly wonder what could have been if i would have stuck with things, if i would have put in the effort and not let my mental illnesses get the best of me for so long. i dunno.

i have been trying to get my life back into order, but i got sick and have been having issues with my tooth. so, it has made it tough to do anything. plus, i have gotten addicted to a few sites and have been using my new laptop CONSTANTLY. so, i am going to try to get back into my drawing, i want to try to do a drawing a day for 365 days. i will try to get started on that. if i do, i will be sure to post them on here and on my art profile on facebook, HERE. please make sure to comment and like my things that you like. any kind of feedback is very helpful, for serious. i am really going to try to kick my ass into doing this. and if i miss a day, i am going to draw as many things as i need to in order to make up for the days that i have missed.

so, i also need to make a new youtube video. i kept saying i was waiting to get my hair cut but i honestly don't know when that is going to be SO i am going to just go ahead and make one with a hat on or something. haha. i owe a BUNCH of people videos and i just need to update things, anyway, cause i have been on t for OVER a year and the last video i made was over 4 months ago... it is far overdue. i need to learn to stop procrastinating. both kat and i have noticed that we have been doing that a lot and are trying to get out of that habit. so, i am going to have to make a list of things to do every day, every week, etc. and try to do my best to keep to it. if people notice i am not doing the things that i say i am going to do, call me out on my shit. i need people to do that sometimes because i tend to forget or just not get the ambition because i don't think people are watching, reading, or looking at the things that i do. i know there are some but no one ever comments on anything, so it makes me question if people are actually paying any attention to it,  you know?

let's see, anything else to write about? OH! i am going to try to 'kidnap' my ex's daughter, who i still consider my kid, and see if she wants to spend a night not this next weekend but the one after. i haven't seen her since my ex and i broke up over 2 years ago. i finally started talking to her again a few months ago after sending her a letter apologizing for everything and how i hadn't talked to her. i miss that kid. she was like my child for over two years and i love her so much. she started calling me daddy when my ex and i were together and the first time she called me that i almost cried because for an 11 year old to even say that, realized i am transgender and accept that... that is amazing. that kid is one of the best kids. she is crazy, kind of a mini me, in a way. haha

so, i have noticed that my anxiety has been a lot higher as of late. i am not sure why, but there are things giving me anxiety. part of it is probably because i am trying to force myself to do things, which i need to do anyway, and i really realized that i HAVE to do this. i HAVE to push myself through the anxiety, the frustration, etc. i NEED it. i need to feel better about myself and the only way for that to happen is for me to start kicking my own ass. and i am going to talk to kat and see if she can help me, if she remembers. lol. her memory is kind of as bad as mine, to be honest. but i know i have to do this. that is why i am going to make some signs and things to put around the house to remind me... so i can't say i forgot. i am finally remembering to take my meds every day so that is something i don't have to worry about putting up on the wall.

well, i am thinking that is about it for right now. maybe i will get motivation to write more later. we will see.

peace out!


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