Monday, April 29, 2013

spring cleaning

i have been spending days slowly getting rid of more things here and there. i have lots of random things that i am going to sell on my listia account and some that i am selling on my local facebook group that is kind of like craigslist. some of it will be for cash, but the listia account is credits that i can use to get other things for free. i have gotten a TON of stickers off of there for my art desk. i love it. it is a GREAT website. if anyone who is reading this HASN'T checked it out, seriously... check it out. everything is free, except for the occasional shipping fee if you don't filter with just free shipping. i never do anything without free shipping. no, i take that back, i did pay shipping for ONE sticker cause it was TOTALLY worth it. haha

Auctions for free stuff at

other than that, everything is slowly moving. i am trying to catch up on my letters, even though i don't have stamps to send anything out, but i am hoping i get birthday money from my dad or grandma or something and can use that to get some stamps cause i need them to be able to send out the things i have already auctioned off. and in order for me to be able to post any more auctions to be able to get more credits to buy things, i need to be able to ship things to people. normally that is not all that expensive to send things out but i need stamps to at least send out the stickers i am auctioning off. i have been getting rid of the random stickers that i have in my sticker box since i don't use a HUGE chunk of them anyway.

i am going to be making little mini business cards to send with eaach of my things that i send to people. and then when i auction off or sell any of my artwork i can send that with, as well. :) i have ideas for sure.

let's see... what else... well, my depression and everything else is doing pretty well, other than my anxiety. i am used to that for the most part, though. i take meds for it and they tend to help but not always. i try to not take them all the time because they can be addictive and i don't need to be addicted to anything else again. not going down that road again... been to treatment twice and i am SO ok with not going back. haha

i am going to take pictures of all the stickers that i have gotten. and NOTE... they have ALL been free.

the stack 

section one

section 2

section 3

section 4

section 5

YUP. ALL of those were free. a handful were from some friends of mine but the rest were from going online to random sites and listia. i am still getting more in the mail every day. and i will tell you right now... i can't WAIT to put all of them on my desk. i am in the process of cleaning off the desk so that we can move it to the center of the bedroom so i can load them puppies on there. but i am waiting as i get them so i can put the not as cool ones on the bottom and the cooler ones on the top :) i am way too excited about this. i have a sticker problem... i admit it. one of these days i need to take pictures of all of the things i have covered in stickers so i can show people all the stickers i already had ON things. haha.

well, i have to go pick up the lady from work so i will get back to this later, probably.

peace out

Saturday, April 20, 2013


so, i am going through things and getting rid of things i don't need and don't want anymore. i am trying to thin things out and hopefully it will make life a little simpler. i am sick of being surrounded by tons of things that i never use, things that are taking up space where i could be using for my art things. my art desk is completely covered with stuff and it has been for a long time. after my desktop started having problems and i stopped using it... it just ended up being a table to throw everything on. i want to clean it off and set up my art things there and use it an as art desk again. what it is for. 

i am getting more and more stickers on that site i have been using a lot lately, Listia. and the best thing is they are all free. so far i haven't paid a penny for anything i am getting. i love it. i am always searching for free stickers. bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, decals, band stickers, company stickers, polotician stickers, those stickers from the quarter machines in the grocery store... all i am doing is covering my art desk. i am covering it 100% so i am in need of a LOT of stickers so i am always trying to find sites with free stickers and Listia is pretty awesome, plus i have found a few other ways to get free stickers so i am working on getting more and more. i am trying to get my friends to find any that they can find so i can throw them on there, too. best part is i am not picky at all. haha

i am going to go online later and try to find some more free stickers. i will figure it out cause i plan on getting more. i need to get some more stamps though cause i am kind of running low on them at the moment and i will need them for listia plus for some of the sticker things where i need to send in a  self addressed stamped envelope. so, hopefully i will be able to get a list of those and slowly go down them when i have money. i am going to have to send emails and ask how big of envelopes i need. i am hoping i get a LOT of stickers from some of them cause some give you at least 6. that would be awesome. i am going to have to buy some better ones to stick on the top of the ones that i am putting on there right now. right now, i am just trying to cover the majority of the actual surface of the desk. i have it all planned out, just need the stickers to do it. i am trying to hold off on the good ones right now. i am having a hard time not putting them on all kinds of other things... lol. i have a few boxes and stuff that i keep wanting to put them on but i need to save them for the desk. i also am going to need to find a way to fix the desk in the few spots where it is kind of falling apart. i wish i had a more stable desk that i could have started this all on but i will deal with what i have and try to keep fixing it up the best that i can. 

man, i am warm. i turned the heater up and now i can tell. i am getting warm. doesn't help that i am wearing pants AND socks. normally i just walk around in my boxers. haha. 

well, i am going to go for now, not sure what else to write so i will try to write more later after i look for some more free stickers. :)


Monday, April 15, 2013

Madea quote...

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!

Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. 

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. 

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

counting down to my birthday...

16 days until my birthday today. can't believe that i am going to be 28 in 16 days. where have all the years gone? makes me worry about how little i have achieved, how little i have done in my life knowing that i could have gone further with my art, my schooling, my life in general. i can't complain completely because witout going through everything i have gone through, i wouldn't be where i am right now, with the love of my life, etc. i just truly wonder what could have been if i would have stuck with things, if i would have put in the effort and not let my mental illnesses get the best of me for so long. i dunno.

i have been trying to get my life back into order, but i got sick and have been having issues with my tooth. so, it has made it tough to do anything. plus, i have gotten addicted to a few sites and have been using my new laptop CONSTANTLY. so, i am going to try to get back into my drawing, i want to try to do a drawing a day for 365 days. i will try to get started on that. if i do, i will be sure to post them on here and on my art profile on facebook, HERE. please make sure to comment and like my things that you like. any kind of feedback is very helpful, for serious. i am really going to try to kick my ass into doing this. and if i miss a day, i am going to draw as many things as i need to in order to make up for the days that i have missed.

so, i also need to make a new youtube video. i kept saying i was waiting to get my hair cut but i honestly don't know when that is going to be SO i am going to just go ahead and make one with a hat on or something. haha. i owe a BUNCH of people videos and i just need to update things, anyway, cause i have been on t for OVER a year and the last video i made was over 4 months ago... it is far overdue. i need to learn to stop procrastinating. both kat and i have noticed that we have been doing that a lot and are trying to get out of that habit. so, i am going to have to make a list of things to do every day, every week, etc. and try to do my best to keep to it. if people notice i am not doing the things that i say i am going to do, call me out on my shit. i need people to do that sometimes because i tend to forget or just not get the ambition because i don't think people are watching, reading, or looking at the things that i do. i know there are some but no one ever comments on anything, so it makes me question if people are actually paying any attention to it,  you know?

let's see, anything else to write about? OH! i am going to try to 'kidnap' my ex's daughter, who i still consider my kid, and see if she wants to spend a night not this next weekend but the one after. i haven't seen her since my ex and i broke up over 2 years ago. i finally started talking to her again a few months ago after sending her a letter apologizing for everything and how i hadn't talked to her. i miss that kid. she was like my child for over two years and i love her so much. she started calling me daddy when my ex and i were together and the first time she called me that i almost cried because for an 11 year old to even say that, realized i am transgender and accept that... that is amazing. that kid is one of the best kids. she is crazy, kind of a mini me, in a way. haha

so, i have noticed that my anxiety has been a lot higher as of late. i am not sure why, but there are things giving me anxiety. part of it is probably because i am trying to force myself to do things, which i need to do anyway, and i really realized that i HAVE to do this. i HAVE to push myself through the anxiety, the frustration, etc. i NEED it. i need to feel better about myself and the only way for that to happen is for me to start kicking my own ass. and i am going to talk to kat and see if she can help me, if she remembers. lol. her memory is kind of as bad as mine, to be honest. but i know i have to do this. that is why i am going to make some signs and things to put around the house to remind me... so i can't say i forgot. i am finally remembering to take my meds every day so that is something i don't have to worry about putting up on the wall.

well, i am thinking that is about it for right now. maybe i will get motivation to write more later. we will see.

peace out!


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

lack of ambition is holding me down...

basics of life. dealing with day to day things. coming to terms with the fact that i am lazy and i need to kick my ass into gear. i know that i really do need to and i just find it so difficult to get the ambition to even do daily things. this is where i come into a tough situation. i mean, it takes a lot of effort some days just to take the dog outside to go to the bathroom and to get up and do certain things but yet... here i am. i don't know what to do anymore and it is driving me nuts. i keep making excuses but i can't seem to get past the whole... i NEED to do this. i mean, i put off everything as long as i can, sometimes even causing my health issues because i hate doctors and hospitals and dentists so much. i can't keep living in fear, living without ambition. something needs to change.

my therapist at the end of our last session told me that i needed to think about what we needed to work on next. i need to have ambition... i need to find something inside of me, figure something out that will make me want to do these things because i don't want to live this way and i don't want kat to have to live and deal with me never doing anything, never wanting to do anything. it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for her to have to deal with it either. i just... i need to try to get help and hopefully my therapist will be able to help me figure some things out.

there are a lot of questions in my head. i mean, when i was on adderall... i had ambition, i had drive, i did stuff. when i was taking energy pills and drinking energy drinks regularly... i had ambition. why do i not have any natural desire to do anything? i mean, come on... taking a shower is SUCH a big deal. i know i want to, i know i need to... yet, taking off my clothing and standing in the shower is just too much. how did i get this way? i used to shower twice a day at times...

my depression as far as feeling depressed is gone but i am wondering if this has something to do with that. i am wondering if something can be done, if i need my anti-depressants increased again. i am just needing something to change and i don't know how or what to do.

i never have ambition to do the things that i LOVE. i bought a fuzzy poster... i colored two things and put it away. i have art supplies, letters i need to write, drawings i need to draw, things i need to sort through to sell... i mean, that is money!! yet... nothing. these are all things that i LOVED to do before. how did i get to this place? how did i end up here?

what can i do?!

i guess that is all for now. just a random rant, i guess. not a lot of people are reading this but i am always open for suggestions from anyone.


Monday, April 8, 2013

getting some things moving... kind of...

trying to get back into signing up for free things, free samples, signing up for sweepstakes and so forth. i got an awesome pair of sunglasses before and a bunch of samples of random things. it is kind of fun. i am going to get back into it and it might help us get some cool stuff. you never know. and it helps give me somewhat of a job type thing along with my art, youtube, blogging and so forth. i am hoping this all starts to work out. i gotta kick my ass into gear, you know?

hopefully the computer won't take a total shit. it is definately slowing down and i know we need a new hard drive. gonna have to try to see if my friend has one so i can replace the part and just have to save everything on here to the external. hopefully it doesn't die before we are able to get the part and everything.

also, if anyone has any bumper stickers, band sickers, etc they don't need or want or see for free if you could send them my way. i can give you my address. i am using them to cover my art desk and in a art piece.

also looking for metal bottle caps, like the ones from beer and root beer bottles. they can be from any kind of drink, doesn't matter. any of those would be great, as well.

i am not sure what else to write right now. i am trying to get used to writing on a regular basis so i am just gonna basically think of random things and write about them. sometimes will be my past, sometimes rants, sometimes just thoughts about life, etc. i dunno. nothing really all that special.

so, i have been thinking about the offer to be on the radio show my friends gave me. i think i might do it. i will have to make sure that it is on a time when aedan isn't here. and preferably kat not being here, also, just because it is easier to talk when it is just me because i am awkward like that. i don't even like talking on the phone and that is basically what we will be doing. i dunno, it's just weird... i am weird on the phone... eeee...

i am looking around on facebook for what all i am supposed to include in my email to mark, one of the hosts of the show. he told me and i thought i had it saved but apparently i did not... so, i have to dig around and figure it out cause i was just giong to try to work on that and just do it through here and hopefully get some input... maybe post it on facebook, too. wish people would read this one, though. i am trying to gather everything to one site and use linking to connect all of my accounts so people can find everything through here. and once i can afford it i will set up a actually website, domain name and everything. i am hoping i can do that within the next year but i really need to get my ass in gear with this shit. ugh.

well, i made a list of some of the things i am going to try to sell, something i just don't want and/ or things i have made and designed, drawn, painted, etc. i am not sure exactly where and how to put everything into this but i am going to take one step at a time and go from there. gonna have to talk to some other people and get some advice and help in setting things up like my paypal and so forth. gonna have to start figuring shit out and going from there.

i am wondering how open and honest i want to start being with my family about things in my life. my friends all pretty much know the few things i worry about my family finding out. but to a degree i think they might already know. i mean, i have a pot leaf tattoed on my leg and i have drank beer in front of them. i am thinking they can deal. i mean, yes, i went to treatment twice [for adderall and ccc's] and i am sober from those things. i don't know. i feel like i am fine and i have no worries. if i had worries or if i was getting bad i know that kat and most of my friends would say something. at least i really hope so.

my therapist last time i went in wanted me to think about what i want to focus on next with our time. i have been thinking about it and i am having a hard time trying to figure it out for sure. i would like to figure out my eating issues, my dysphoria, my lack of motivation to do anything that i always loved like drawing, writing and so forth... something that will be doing me good. i want something along the lines of helping me push past this rut that i have fuond myself it. i hate it here and i want the fuck out.

oh yeah, i am sorry to those of you who might be offended by my swearing but i am just being who i am in this journal/ blog thingy. i am gonna be honest and open about things in hopes that it can help anyone, help me or at least keep track of my life for me down the line.

i really really need to make a youtube video. i keep saying i will but i need to. i want to try to do it when aedan isn't here. but i am sure there will be videos where you will hear him in the background, you know? haha. he is a loud kid and if i record something with the puppy and him or the cats or ferrets, he may end up in there but i am going to try not to get him in anything for privacy sake. haven't really talked to kat about it so i am just going to do.

i am exhausted. i have to try to wake kat up and hopefully i will get a few hour nap.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

a fun weekend

had a fun weekend. spent saturday hanging out with friends at the flame in duluth. got to see some friends i hadn't seen in quite awhile. it was nice to be able to see some friends.

now one of my great friends is going to be moving from the cities back up to duluth so i am excited to be able to hang out with her again. i miss her so much. she has been one of the best friends i have had in a long time and i haven't been able to hang out with her in probably four years. and actually on a regular basis. it will be awesome! i am so beyond excited.

things are going pretty well. i am working on trying to get some more artwork done and so forth. i am trying to push myself to do these things, sell something, get some kind of money coming in but first i need to produce the things that i actually would be selling or anything. i need to try to work on it and push myself. i need to push myself very hard. it is tough to try to get myself to the point where i feel as though i can actually do it. i don't know why but i find it hard to sit down and do the things that i always loved to do. i never have the ambition to do much of anything these days and it is kind of driving me crazy in a way. i know it is partially to do with my depression but at the same time... there has to be something else behind it. there has to be some other reason why it is a problem, why i am truly having a major issue with this still. it goes for years where i am like this then i have a few months where i do a TON of art then i am back to nothing. i used to be doing art all the time. i even did artwork AT work... what the hell... how did i get here? how did i get to this point in my life? i just feel as though i really want to change yet i just don't have the ambition.

i am feeling as though there are things in my life that could be so much better, there could be things that i could make better... yet i am still sitting here... wondering and waiting and hoping that i can figure out what it is!

what is going on in my head? i don't even know...

well, gonna go for now.