Saturday, October 19, 2013

coming to terms with reality

Kat and i had done some talking awhile back about possibly having another kid at some point in the future and how i was hoping for it to be my egg and her giving birth to the child. that way my grandfather and mom's dna will not end with me as i am an only child of an only child [only one of my grandfather's but has half brothers and sisters]. after doing research i am sad to say that it looks as though if Kathrine and i were to decide to have another child we would not be able to use my egg. it would cost a minimum of $15,000 PER egg transfer. there is a minimum of 30% chance it would lead to multiple children [twins or more]... i am sad because i was really hoping to be able to pass on my genetics so my grandfather would be able to live on. it crushed me...

my anti-depressants aren't working and i can tell. i have been able to tell for awhile but i was hoping it would get better. i am needing to find a doctor that i can get in to see since the ones here all quit. i need to see if my mood stabilizer is working anymore cause i really feel like it isn't and i need my vitamin d needs to be upped again. i would like if i could have my ativan upped, as well, since my anxiety levels are getting higher and higher now. i am not sure what to do with anything since i have no psychiatrist... i need to try to find another one. 

on top of that all happening, a great lady and friend that i have known my entire life passed away yesterday. she had been battling cancer for years and she ended up losing the battle due to having to stop chemo because she ended up getting ecolli. the woman went through so much through the last few years it was so hard to see her struggling with her health but she was still able to stay strong. she was an amazing woman and she will for sure be missed. 

i am 80 days without cigarettes. haven't used a patch in over 60. i now only use a e-cigarette with non-nicotine liquid. i love it. it helps a lot with the habit. 

other than that... i am still getting free stickers in the mail, got a free hat and shirt, some other random things. still getting magazines and so forth. i will take pictures soon just haven't gotten around to doing it. i need to make a video for youtube, too, but i never have the ambition to do it anymore. 

honestly, i am not sure what else to write about at this point. so, i guess that i am going to go for right now. i will try to write more again sooner. hopefully things will start getting a little better. 



Wednesday, October 2, 2013


we were without internet for a few weeks. i am trying to break through on a few things emotionally, physically and health wise. it is not working great and i am having a hard time caring. i am trying to kick my ass into gear. i really don't like how i live. i am not as happy as i could be and i know that. i am going to try... keep trying.

i have begun really working on the movie ideas now. getting ideas for plots, the type of zombies, doing makeup research, working on things that are going to be involved in the development of the story. trying a few ideas and trying to figure out what feels right along with what we are capable of having access to film in but still something decent looking enough that it is real. i am really going to be kicking ass at this. i have around 6-8 months to work on the plot, character development and so forth. trying to work on steps but for sure trying to get other people to help me out with things. i need to try to find someone who is willing to work on the legal aspect of helping make forms, print them off, send them out, keep addresses and phone numbers, etc. i would do it myself but i don't think i can on top of everything else. along with that, i think it would be good to have someone other than me doing the phone stuff. i dunno, i am going to try to see if i can get anyone in the area. that would be great. i wish more of the zombie fans that i know lived closer.

i am trying to get myself to watch more zombie movies, try to read some zombie short stories or stories that people have written. i want to try to see the diffeent aspects and types of zombies out there. i am thinking i am narrowing the type of zombies down pretty well. hopefully should know that for sure by the end of the week.

i think that i am going to write deadlines in my planner that will help me keep on schedule for things. otherwise i have a feeling that i will end up somehow messing it up. i really hope that i can do this.

i have been hungry all the time for the last two or three weeks. i am not sure why but i am always hungry. i am trying to not over eat but it hasn't been working so well. then i went to my friends house and i weighed myself while i was on her scale and i was down to 215. so i lost 2 pounds after eating TONS of food. i really need to start working out because once i start my metabolism is gonna kick my ass but i will masculinize fast, i will feel better... there are so many benefits. i will be so happy to be healthy, be able to run if i need to, be able to walk distances with the dog. i am sick of being lazy and tired all the time. i never used to be this way and i don't want to be. i am 28 years old and i am in worse shape than i have ever been. i don't want to have to be this way for the rest of my life.

looking into props, makeup and everything for the movie got me really excited. i have some really cool ideas and i really think that it can be a real thing and maybe a group of us with start up something. otherwise, i think i might get into trying to do directing little videos, making things for my youtube. it could be really fun to do. i will have to see. i want to talk to my buddy, jens, more about the things that he does and maybe he will come over and we will be able to just hang out and he can show me how he does what he does, what programs, etc.

i am kind of excited for the process of picking music. i want to try to pick a type and some local bands/ smaller time bands that might be willing to let us use their music or a song. i wish i could find someone who would be able to compose or create actually music, also. i am not sure. but i want to try to get some awesome songs.

let's see... trying to think if there is anything else that i can think of at the moment. it is nice to have the internet back again. i need to remember to post youtubes and blogs more again. once i get my new phone in a few weeks i will probably be able to do things from my phone. :) i am excited to get the new phone. very excited.

well, i am going to go for now. might write more in a bit, we will see if i can think of anything to even write about.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

A lot going on

So, got to go see Michael buble in concert with Kat and it was amazing! Best concert that I can say I have been there. It was awesome. Kat came home with a coffee cup and I got a autographed cd. Oh, and we finally found our song. 'Close your eyes.' I like it a lot and it very much hits our relationship right on the head.
I had my step deprived e.e.g. done the other day. It wasn't too bad. I passed out a few times. Haha. It was weird. I was so tired and that is so weird to me that I am always tired now. I have been like this for so long. I'm just always tired and I am even with caffeine and stuff. I don't know how I got to this point. It is driving me insane. I feel so old. I miss being able to just be up and do things. I don't know if it is my depression or my age that is making me so tired all the time but I really don't pike it at all. I never get anything done because I am always sitting on my ass. I need to try to change that as much as I can.
I had my e.e.g. the other day. Won't get much info for a month after another test. Hopefully learn more about the seizure situation. Cause that is still  worrying me.
The kiddo is starting school Monday. Headstart. I am excited for him to start making friends. :) it will be very good for him. :)
I am not totally sure what all to write since I am on my pbne and it takes longer than hauL to type. And I am kind of tired. Ugh. Anyway... I am gonna go for now. Might find something to do or just lay down. Laters yo!

Saturday, September 7, 2013

crossing fingers again

I have done some research and am working on figuring out if I can get my insurance to cover my top surgery/ breast reduction. I am hoping the way it is going will continue until it is totally approved but so far so good. one step at a time.

On the 11th Kat and I are going to see Michael Buble in the cities. I am very excited. My mom and step dad got us tickets. This is technically going to be our second date, which I find funny since we are engaged and have been dating for almost 2 years. Having a kid, her working, always being busy with people, being broke and other things have made it a bit difficult. But, this is going to be a great event for us.

So, over the next year or so I am going to be working on the production, writing and so forth of a low budget zombie movie. So, basically at the moment, the biggest part right now is writing. I need something to show people in order to get them willing to invest, willing to take part in it, willing to be a part of the production along with the crew. The crew may be some of the biggest parts that are gonna be difficult along with the cameras and all the professional type gear. I am going to end up advertising for people needed at the colleges. I want to make this happen. I really think that this could be really fun if done right but also something that could be something that could actually be really cool. i think a huge part of it will be finding the equipment and the right people to keep the project going.

I decided to focus most of my efforts at this time on the one project while working slowly on some of my side things like art. But my biggest thing right now will be working on finding other writers and people who can be behind the project to help get things going so we have a script and everything to work with.

I have a few ideas of where and how the movie could be made, some buildings that could be used... thing is making those options usable and accepted by the building owners. i guess we will see for right now but i am hoping that at least one of them will work ok.

so other than those things, there isn't a whole lot going on in my life so i guess that is it for now. :)


Tuesday, August 27, 2013

cha.. cha... chaaanges....

so, for the last 5 days Kat has been working on a schedule that has made my sleep schedule be decently normal. i hated it at first and was debating staying up all night but since we have aedan i needed to sleep at night like a regular person and get up to get her at 8 then stay up with the kid. i figured this would be hell but it turns out with my new vitamin d and my new multi vitamin that is supposed to help with energy, it is working out pretty well. i take them right away when i get up and usually bring her to work or go pick her up, depending on what shift she was working. i come back, have breakfast with the kid, i have been doing artwork and some random things i need to do. yesterday i even cleaned off my disaster of a desk and it is now a functional art/ computer desk. i already have worked on a project of painting my one cell phone cover. that is actually still a work in progress. but yesterday was a very successful and productive day.

i set plans for calls to make later today once kat wakes up. going to look into top surgery that might be covered by my insurance. we will see but i am crossing my fingers beyond belief right now.

as usual, i got some samples in the mail. these were for some natural energy drinks. they are powdered and you add them to 8 oz. of water, i ended up getting the grape flavor and i have to admit i really like them. i ended up trying one yesterday cause i was starting to feel really tired around 4. it helped kick me into gear and it made things a ton better. it wasn't like a jittery high feeling just a bit more pumped up. a bit of a kick in the butt, if you will. i am thinking about possibly investing in some of those. they aren't the cheapest thing in the world but they are pretty awesome. they would be really handy to have for those days when i am dragging really bad when aedan is here or when i can't make it through the day without feeling like i need a nap every five minutes. i am trying to stay on regular people time. key word is TRYING. but you have to start somewhere.

last time i went into my endo they told me that my estrogen is high so i am working on trying to figure out ways to lower my testosterone. so, i talked to a few people and one person mentioned that they were on the depo shot until he had his hysto. so i am going to talk to my endo and see if that is an option.

still working on making changes here and there. taking half my meds in the morning and half at night. the multi-vitamin, vitamin d, half my mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anxiety and so forth in the morning and the other half with dinner. so far, that seems to be actually helping and balancing things out a bit better. i am liking it. i used to hate doing that but i think that it is helpful. i have been abe to get along with the kid a bit better but at the same time he is acting a bit better. it all varies but he seems to be listening to be different now that i feel a little better and am kind of being nicer to him, which is nice for the both of us.

so, this upcoming weekend is going to be Duluth-Superior GLBTA Pride. my fiance, myself and two friends are all going down, got a hotel room for the weekend and are going to have fun. :) i am excited very much. this year should be really good. i am really hoping anyway. should be pretty fun. :crosses fingers: and this year i am going to try to remember to take lots of pictures. i will be taking my laptop and trying to take videos and pictures and everything. :)

also, on the 11th Kat and I are going to be seeing Michael Buble in the cities. i posted on facebook just saying that i would LOVE to go to his concert for a romantic evening with kat and my mom frickin BOUGHT us tickets and even paid for the parking. now we are going to be staying at our friends house for the night down there. i am beyond excited. the next two weeks are going to be amazing. :)

other than those things i have been trying to get back in connection with more of the spiritual things again. i am working on it but it is difficult at times because my brain can't seem to focus on anything even though i am not doing anything. i am working on trying to get my shit back into regular roles, the things i do into their places, the thoughts into their positions so that i can take action and get going on the things in my life.

we have decided that we will probably end up living in this apartment for the winter and looking for something else after that. give us a chance to figure out if and what we want to do about a house or if we want to go to an apartment. if we are going to have our friend live with us or not. i wish we could move into the 7 bedroom house but i am just not sure do to the electric and heating bills. that is the only thing i am really worried about with such a big house. but i want to move somewhere where we will be staying. we need to get into a HOME and be home. i am done moving. i don't want to move again after this move. i really am sick of moving. i want to settle for at least ten years. we will be here until aedan graduated high school for sure so that gives us about 14 if he doesn't fail any grades or anything like that. but we will see. i just want a HOME.

well, i suppose that is all for right now. can't think of anything else at this point but may write more later depending on what strikes. :)


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

things... more things... blah blah blah

in a strange place in life. feeling ambitious, semi motivated... but i just can't get that ummph to get going. i am working on a few major things in my personal life. trying to get my health back in order. getting my shoe life on the 21st so walking won't be an issue at all. i am hoping to be able to get a tens unit soon, too. that would help my back soooo much. it did when i used my exes. anyway... a.d.d.

working on eating smaller portions still. have been slipping up a lot more lately. but i am working on that.

i quit smoking. i am 15 days without a cigarette right now. i am using the patch and e-cigs with no actual tobacco in them. i have a blueberry flavor right now, it is actually pretty nice. kind of tastes like this blueberry cereal i had once. it's nice. :) it's great cause i can just plug it into a usb port on my computer to charge the battery again. it's really cool.

i dropped a little weight. went from 223 to 217. didn't even know i did. but hopefully next time i go into the doctor it will have dropped again. i keep hoping. :crosses fingers: i am working on walking. i started a walking group with a handful of random people in hibbing. it's pretty cool. i didn't get to go the first time because i was sick in bed with stomach issues [we are pretty sure i have ibs] so i couldn't make it. but i heard it was pretty fun :) but i plan on going this next time. hopefully my stomach will calm the hell down.

there are a lot of things that i need to do. i need to work on thing with my laziness, my lack of motivation, my fear of failure AND success, and so forth. i need to get back into therapy so tomorrow i am calling in and setting up an appointment with someone my old therapist recommended. so, we will see what happens, i suppose. the sooner the better, though.

but my biggest issue now is letting myself fail but still getting back up and fighting just as hard as i was in the first place. i am at the point where i just give up and stop doing anything remotely like what i was doing. i think that is why i have nothing to do. i restricted myself from doing so many things when i was with my ex. she really dragged my soul out and beat the crap out of it. i am very lucky to have a fiance as amazing as Kat. her coming into my life was the biggest and best moment of my life. and when we get married, i will be the proudest husband in the world to say she is my wife and i know that she actually loves me. it won't be awhile til we were to get married anyway. not doing it until after my top surgery is done. i refuse to get married with my ee's. not gonna happen.

pride is coming up soon so excited about that. it's gonna be a good one this year, too. was hoping for a room for just kat and i and it didnt work out as planned, but it is still gonna be a ton of fun! i really really hope so. lmao. trying to get my art into the art exhibit but still not hearing from anyone at this point so, i dunno. we'll see, i guess.

i feel things changing slowly inside my head, i like it. i like the changes i am making in my life. finding spirituality... gaining some motivation to start trying harder at the food issues and trying to motivate myself to work out. i am surprised at myself and i really like it. this is the way i used to be. i am hoping that this is going to stay cause i am sick of being stuck in a rut that i can't get out of on my own. i don't want to be here for the rest of my life. i want to change things. thing is that i always say i want things to be different, i wish they were... but not i am acting towards making those thoughts, dreams, hopes into a reality or at least close to it. in order to lose weight you have to find some kind of way to lose weight. walking is a great way to walk. there for, go walking with  my friends. that one, i have covered. i am just not sure about what else i could do to work out. maybe when i wake up every morning [setting a new schedule] i could lift my 5 lb weights, take a shower. i dunno. gotta find some things to do. keep myself occupied!

i am really hoping that we are able to get a loan so that kat can buy a house and we will have a home that we can live in til we decide to move after aedan graduates high school. all i know is that i am truly hoping that we will be able to get a decent loan so that we can take a look at a few houses that i have seen as an option. i really would like to have my own art/ work room. i would be active all the time. i could get income, i bet just for my art and things like that. i want that. i want to be able to work as an artist but i need to get back into drawing on a daily basis. that is something i keep saying that i will do but i really do need to do that. i need to. this is my passion and i need to stop fluffing off. i am 28, not getting any younger and i am broke as fuck and about to lose my food stamps. so, yeah... but trying not to focus on the bad things. i am trying to ignore them and try to make things more positive. i have to start or it will just stay crappy and mopey. i refuse to do that for the rest of my life.

ok, i am rambling beyond belief. half of this probably doesn't even make sense but yeah. lol. i should go to sleep. kind of didn't realize what time it is.


the world as i saw it is changing...

so, starting up a walking group in hibbing. gonna do weekly walks. then eventually try to get to more than one a week. hoping it kind of takes off. there are a lot of people who don't like to walk alone. plus need the kick in the butt of other people and motivation from other people to help get them started. i just hope it works out for the better.

i am starting to take action. starting to get my actions going rather than just sitting around doing nothing. i need to start getting into better habits rather than just sitting around doing nothing.

things need to change. i need to stop dreaming and hoping things will change and just start to change them myself. i can't sit around and HOPE things will happen... you get nothing done or fixed that way. things must change.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

fundraising page in progress

i am working on setting up a fundraising page where all of my fundraising, contributions and so forth will be centralized so they are easier to keep track of.

please check it out. i do not have the sites to contribute or purchase anything finished yet but i will have them done soon and i will be letting people know as soon as they are ready to get going.

random other things happening but nothing major at the moment. getting more stickers in the mail still, free magazines, samples and so forth. enjoying writing emails to companies and getting free products, catalogues, stickers and everything the like. i have an awesome collection of stickers for when i start my art desk but i am not starting one until we figure out where we are moving.

kat got promoted so we are for sure going to move. we are hoping to get a three bedroom so that i will be able to have an office to work on my artwork and writing in a space that is set up to do so that the child and animals can not get to. i am hoping that all goes as planned. we will see how everything goes, i suppose.

well, gonna have to get ready to go pick up kat from work so i will write more later.


Thursday, August 1, 2013

more stickers

              finally got around to posting the newer stickers that i have been getting in the mail. i remind you, these were all free. i didn't pay a penny for ANY of these. 

        pretty good collection coming in. will be lots more coming in still. wrote to more companies. :) i will keep updating as i get more.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

i think i smell neurology...

well, things have been interesting to say the least. nothing major was happening for awhile. one of my best friends bought me some of those new neon sharpies and we colored in the blacklight, which was a ton of fun. spent some time with friends just hanging out, which i rarely do anymore. we went grocery shopping and this time i was actually there AND involved. but nothing majorly eventful. 

this last sunday things changed. we were behind on my testosterone shots so we were just going to do it. my anxiety had been REALLY high all day to the point of tingly arms, tingly face, tingly hands... my face was red and felt like it was tightening... all of these were common before i would normally have a panic attack. through out the day it calmed but would flare up again. i felt ok by the time we were about to do the shot so, although i was still very anxious, we decided to just do it and get it over with. we did the shot. as the needle went into my arm my whole shoulder felt really warm and spread to my chest and face... and next thing i remember i was laying on the bed with my head in kat's hand with her staring at me with a scared shitless look on her face. everything was blurry and i couldn't talk for about fifteen to twenty second. after that i felt ok for the most part but didn't try to get up or anything, just layed there. while i was laying there kat explained to me that i had just had a seizure. told me exactly what happened. she had finished the shot and i fell hard backwards [luckily i was sitting on the bed] and my legs extended out, kicking my tuppertote/ table and all the things on the floor out of the way. my whole body was shaking, hands near my chest and i was choking on my own tongue. she said it lasted for about 20 seconds. 

i was scared beyond belief after that. i tried to sleep that night but was unable to stop thinking about the seizure. i ended up doing some googling on my phone to look into anxiety related seizures and i found a lot that is helpful. after i did the research, i was able to fall asleep. 

now, september 4th i will be going in to see someone in the neurology department at essentia in duluth. i am scared but i really want to know what is going on. i am scared but know that i need to get it figured out. maybe the doctors and therapists will start taking me seriously about my anxiety issues. i tell them it is severe and they always push it aside. always tell me i need to use my coping skills... sad part is I AM so they clearly are not enough. between that and my ativan, i am not doing enough... i am really hoping to get some answers. 

well, anywho... guses that is all for the moment. will update more again... sorry i have been so m.i.a.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

a few new ideas

so, i am trading art with a pen pal of mine and i am really excited cause i love her piece she is sending to me.

i have been looking into these little things called Artist Trading Cards, also known as ATCs. so basically they are trading pieces of artwork the size of trading cards like the baseball cards or whatever. they seem pretty cool. there are a bunch of people on listia doing it, some websites that you trade artwork, letters, etc. i really like this idea. and in the mean time get back into my full scale work like my painting i started and never finished. i was inspired by my friend who offered to send me a piece of hers and then wanted one of mine. i need to use a canvas that i have and make something for her.

i am still collecting free stickers. been getting more in the mail all the time. need to take new pictures of the newest stickers cause i keep forgetting. i have gotten a decent amount and am still getting more every day. need to try to start finding more companies who might send things for free. i am also trying to look around for materials for a desk or a free desk anywhere.

we are looking for a rent to own home, get a place large enough that i can have my own art desk/ work area so then i can produce my work with space andd have things formally organized. i really need a whole room. that will be ideal if we can find a place like that. we found a 7 bedroom for 709  month. honestly, i want it. i want to see it in person and then i want to decide from there. we would need a few bedrooms though. it is an interesting idea. i have a friend who might be able to move in with us, but not sure since he is in treatment right now and with one friend in recovery and one who has admit that he is an alcoholic. i just don't want to have that worry for him. i just really want to be able to have that place if it is as nice as my friend said that it is.

i have meant to blog a few times but i just haven't gotten around to it. i need to stop ditching things and just do them. i need to make a goal of writing at LEAST once a week. then try to go up from there, if it goes well. i think it will be helpful for myself. maybe post the artwork i have created over the week. or show some of the process of drawing.

oh, i have also decided that i really want to try to get a drafting board. that would be REALLY great to have next to the drawing/ writing desk. since my laptop is tiny and whenever i get my desktop fixed, that won't take up much of the room that i will have of the desk if i can set it up right.

i really am gonna figure this all out about possibly just making it but i would need to get someone to help me do it, the materials, the tools, etc. i just dunno if that is gonna happen to be honest. maybe i can just get one of those huge metal desks from the 70s and 80s. i know there is one at my dad's house but it has been there since when my dad moved in back in 97... i am not wanting to touch or move it. i am just gonna keep looking around. hoping that we will be able to get a house soon and go from there.

well, just going to try to think about some random things that i can do to help look for one. earn some money for top surgery. opening a bank account. making ATCs... ugh, so much i want to do but i have to start with one thing. oye.

well, peace out for now

Friday, July 5, 2013

cleaning out the book

so, i am going through my facebook list, i like usually do ever few months since i like to make new friends and see if they will talk to me, if they don't they are gone.

right now, i am dropping people who don't talk that much or comment or anything. but i do tend to add random new friends a bit after that and then i will try to give a new few people and chance to be friends, chat and what not. if it doesn't work out and we just stop talking, i delete them. that is how i make friends and i make sure to warn people ahead of time and just let them do what they want to do, whether they come back or not.

ok, i am going to get back to the fun deleting people and then adding people! ^_^


this world is spinning

so, the last two days have been crazy. last night we went to fireworks in nashwauk. then i dropped \kat off for work in chisholm then drove back to nashwauk because i got to see my 'daughter' for the first time in about 3 years. she couldn't stop hugging me and we talked and talked and talked. she is already taller than me and is already 13. so crazy. is on tumbler all the time and youtube. just so strange from the little girl i remember her is. she is growing into a woman. a beautiful woman. and she still has me in her phone as dad. :) that means the world to me.

went to two parades today, didn't burn but my rashes broke out on my arms. but all in all it wasn't bad at all. i had my sph 50 on, sunglasses, a golf sized rainbow unbrella. i am prepped. and like 4 bottles of water. haha

i have decided to quit smoking. i am doing it slowly but i am doing it.

i am nervous as hell about meeting my new therapist and i have no idea what to say to her, what to bring up... i just worry. its a whole new person so i am wondering if it would go good, but then it could go back really really bad. ugh, i am too nervous about it.

so i am sighing up for free magazines everywhere and i am basically collecting old magazines and finding ways to use them for my artwork. i am so excited for this to happen. i have so many ideas. EEEE. i need to get some new paper, too, but i will not worry about that one just yet.

i am trying to turn all my energy to my art and blogging and all that goes along with my art. need to get the scanner working soon. that will be helpful so my pictures will look must more professional. i am excited to have my artwork to be more professional looking. and now i also have to try to find other ideas. i have to keep my creativity going or it loses momentum and i just give up at some point. i hate that it happens, but i know it does and i am trying to change that.

trying to eat less. made about half less of the chicken nuggets than i normally would. i wonder if i can even finish it. i am trying really hard to control portions. those random binges are killing me though. that is the stuff i need to get figued out and worked on.


Friday, June 28, 2013

just not caring

today, i feel as though... i just don't get a crap about anything. i am not living up to things that i want to and should be able to. i am unmotivated, depressed, anxious, paranoid and just sick of everything in life. i have nothing going in my life, i can't keep track of all of the things i need for artwork with nowhere to keep them seperate and set up if i get ideas. i am not sure what to do with myself without those things, without some kind of ambition, something... i used to be so full of life and ambition. now, i just sit and feel less than motivated. i get excited when i take a shower, when i get the dishes done, when i actually journal or blog, when i make any kind of art [even coloring things]. i just don't know what to do with myself or if i even care anymore.

we are watching warm bodies in a few finally. i have been waiting to watch this movie and very excited. but, i guess, i really don't have much else to say right now. maybe later i will get an idea or something. but i figured i would write something real, when my ambition and depression is working on high so the reality of my whole self is present in this blog. i want to be ME, people to see ME, and know ME.

til next time

Monday, June 24, 2013

my head is spinning...

i spend my days doing nothing. i'm probably watching a movie in bed or on the couch, in my underwear and a tshirt, no binders. while i am doing that i am often writing letters, journaling, drawing, surfing the net and looking at more awesome artwork from other people. i have to drive kat to and from work, which isn't a major deal, but other than that i never really leave the apartment right now. i am trying to get my art back going but i am not sure if photography is really the way i want to go cause i would have to find models again since all mine moved and then i moved to hibbing. i have become a total hermit and i need to try to fix that. soon. it's not healthy for me or anyone.  

so, i suppose i can write a bit about the ideas that i have as things for me to do, like homework, and work on understanding my mental illnesses, i will have to leave the apartment to interact with some people [i will make myself]. i am going to start doing the affirmations again but this time in the new journal. it is going to be my health/ mental health/ therapy notes and what not. i cut out a bunch of cool random things from magazines and am probably going to put them on the book sometime in the next few days. only annoying thing is that it is a sketchbook so no lines to write so my writing is gonna get crazy, i am sure. but it is twice as thick as all the other ones that i had before. that is why we picked that one. 

i have decided that i am going to try to quit smoking at some point in the next month or so. both kat and i are going to try. it should be interesting. i haven't tried to quit in probably 5 years. i have been wanting to but then i am like... i just smoked a pack and a half... shit. and they have that med, chantix, but i am too afraid to take it. i hear so many bad things from people about it and i just would prefer not to use that, if i can stay away from it. i am ok with my meds that i am taking but i will just try to do this without anything. i am going to taper down. i am hoping that it will help and it will keep me from being more and more crabby. we will see. :crosses fingers:

there are a lot of things that i want to talk about in this blog other than just random updating. i have been debating on what i could do to it. i want to try to do something and maybe more people would be interested in what i have as my art, my writing but also on certain topics. i could always make some kind of schedule and pre-pick topics and try to write stuff about them. any thoughts from anyone? i need input, please.

my head has been swimming lately with ideas, plans, thoughts, random shit to do with everything that i have been trying to do. it is weird feeling and not even the ativan is helping calm it down, which is kind of rare. normally it does help a bit, at least. i am not totally sure what is up cause i am tensing my muscles all the time so i am always sore from clenching. i have to remind myself to breath a lot, too. and when i did physical therapy my doc had to tell me to relax almost every five or so minutes cause i would clench up while doing my rotations. this is something that i am going to have to bring up to my new therapist for sure because it does worry me a lot. makes me paranoid a bit.

i feel as though i have reached a point in the road where i need to make a decision of trying to get my shit together and pushing even if i fail. i kept trying to take the short cut but that was because i was lazy. now i have to go the long way, would have been easier just to do it right the first time. but, what can you do, right? lmao. i just worry about lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

i am going to go try to find some topics or something for blogs. i think it would be kind of fun to do that along with my regular updates and venting and whatever. haha. 

love, peace and chicken grease!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

getting sick. caught it from kat and she got it from work. coughing, stuffed up, etc. trying to stay on track with everything. i have done research for a questionaire so i am going to post that shortly when i am done filling it out. the questions were all found on websites that were supposed to help a person discover more about themselves, get to know themselves and so forth. we will see, i guess.

i am going to be trying a bunch of different things right now that are supposed to help with self esteem, self discovery and so forth. i am hoping it will help in some way. i am going to try to talk to my therapist about all these kind of things for part of the treatment, help, ideas she may have of other things that i could try to do. i am hoping that she is helpful in that kind of way.

i am not sure what all to write about. nothing major is happening right now so i will just go ahead and finish that so i can post it. 


changing life for the better. one day at a time.

basically trying to catch up on things. been doing better on eating less and better portion sizes. it is really annoying cause all i want to do is eat most of the time but when we have dinner or whatever i am not hungry so i have to force myself to eat. i am trying to make sure i am being careful about not eating enough then binging again. i am hoping that things will continue to move in the right direction. :) i am very proud of myself for a lot of the things that i have been able to tell myself no and not that much to. it makes me proud that i was able to control myself enough to not eat it cause it is there. i am also learning that i eat a lot when i am bored. so, i am trying to figure out ways to distract myself other than wandering around in the kitchen looking at food when i am not even hungry.

currently, working on a journal/ book where i will keep track of my progress, issues, weight and i am adding actual clippings of workouts from some of the magazines that i have. i am going to try to set up a schedule where i work out at least twice a week. then in about a month, i will bump it up to three days, etc. i am trying not to overwhelm myself cause i am less likely to walk away if i am taking smaller steps than just diving in like i usually do.

also trying to take a new look at life. trying to get myself more positive and help myself realize that i am worth taking the time and putting in the effort for this. i am sick and tired of being overweight, always tired and just unable to control myself. it is tougher some days than others but i am doing alright. i need to make some dramatic changes or i am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life and i don't want to hate going for walks cause i am out of shape and that my back hurts. i need to try to work some of my muscles in areas, i am thinking i might go back to physical therapy and get some advice from there, get a new shoe lift and hopefully get a tense unit for my back, cause that would be perfect and sooo helpful for motivation because i won't hurt as much with those things.

i am trying to find ways to take better care of myself. mentally, physically, spiritually. i have really let everyting go and just forgot to care. so, it is time to step everything back up again and see what i can do. go me!

my plan is to continue working on discovering myself, learning more about myself, making myself stronger mentally and physically. i am 28 and i am still living like i was 23. i need to step up a bit. i will always have my mental health issues so certain things may not change much BUT i have the chance to make things BETTER. i am trying to take action, work on me and try to arrange my life accordingly around me.

i do have a new therapist. don't know much about her yet cause i haven't met with her but i am very nervous about it. i am setting up a list of things i want to try to address, tell her a bit about myself and just start off fresh and honest. i will miss harassing vicky but we did a lot together, she helped me a ton and we both felt that maybe it was time for me to move to another therapist because we pretty much felt we had done all we could together. so, i am interested in meeting this new Leah character. hopefully she won't be judgemental about all the things in my life that most people disagree with. i am very nervous about meeting her but hopeful and trying to go into it with a positive thought process. it may take a bit to open a lot but i will be doing the best that i can to re-adjust to getting to know a new therapist. i hate switching therapists but sometimes it must be done.

i am going to look around online and see if there are things i can do, activities, books to read, 'homework' to do and so forth to help me find out things about myself. learn more about me and try really hard to stay interested and not just giving up. and while all of this is happening i am planning on showing Leah everything as i am doing it, maybe she can give me some insight and ideas of how and what to do that could be helpful. i hope she can cause that would be very nice to have.

things are going to slowly change day by day for me. i will continue the best that i can to keep my head up, motivate myself and so forth. i really am hoping that this time it sticks around. i am really wanting to be able to be fit enough to go for a walk with colby more than just around the block. i would like to be able to do any kind of activity without being completely drained for the rest of the day. i am always on low right now. actually, they wanted to check my vitamin d levels cause it is very likely that i have VERY low levels so will probably have to take some kind of vitamin and when i do it is likely that it will help give me a little energy. i am really hoping so because if that really does help, i would be able to get some energy going again and not feeling like i am 78 years old all the damn time.

planning and working on these things are one thing. promising myself and actually doing and following through with it is going to be the hardest part because i am not someone who generally am able to follow through on damn near anything. i start things and never finish them so i am hoping this time this will stick because i will notice how much better i will feel. i know i will. i always hurt less when i was thinner. i have gained a hell of a lot of girth in my mid region and i am going to do the best that i can to get that down, especially right before top surgery... cause that would be really nice. i am ok with a little bit of fat and everything i just don't want to look like i am pregnant. i really don't want to be that guy and if i keep living my life the way that i am right now, i will be that guy... :/

well, that is about all on my life forward right now. just trying to push forward a bit more. :) keep it going. i gotta kick my own ass into gear rather than hoping and waiting that someone else would help me. time to do it myself. be an adult. sad it took me this long and being on testosterone for my brain to really finally kick into gear more. crazy.

well, gonna go do some research, find things to do. might even post some of them on here, we will see how personal they are.

much love

Friday, June 7, 2013

catching up and setting up

right now i am in the process of figuring out the things i need to do over the next week. i need to complete at least half of the things on the list but the more the better. i am working on trying to push things forward with my art business. i need to set things up more business like. make the files, the artwork, the business cards, try to get a website, set up accounts and stay up to date with them, and so much more. i need to start treating like it is actually a true job. it will help get things off of the ground. and i am hoping to at least get someone else who is willing to help with some of it, at least. some people who are willing to spread the word about my artwork. i want to kind of create a street team. but before that i need to start creating more and more work. i have to get to it. i need to buck up and try to make this work somehow.

did another testosterone shot again today. they are getting easier and easier every time since i started to do the shots in the arm. i flinch less. they hurt a bit afterwards but if i just massage it and not baby it too much just use it... it isn't bad. i flinch everywhere else that we have tried to do the shots and this seems to be the spot. so, on my other arm i am thinking that i will have some kind of area that is used for the needle to be a tattoo. the octopus on my right arm gets poked near the eye and it works just great. :) so just need something on the other arm. maybe get something on my thighs just in case i need to do the shots myself at some point. i still am determined to be able to do shots myself.

i am working on setting plans for working out and so forth. setting a schedule so i don't over do it right off the bat, like i tend to do. haha

gonna have to buckle down on this whole making things a business. getting the word out about my work. and i need to kill it on the artwork. fast. i gotta push some shit out FAST. i know i can do it. just gonna have to kick my own ass into gear and try to have people harass me all the time. i am sure kat would work it out for me that she would try to do that as often as she could. we will see.

my art facebook page

things are going to start happening. they have to. i am sick of doing nothing all the time. 

peace out. haha

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

wa wa waaaaa

so, today sucked. the first half was ok but now on the way to get tubes for cigarettes the car just... stopped. we are pretty sure it is either the fuel filter or the fuel pump. hopefully it is just the fuel filter cause that will be a hell of a lot cheaper to replace. but my friend, kaelyn, and i are going back to the car later and try to move it and see what we can do. :sigh: what a damn day...

i am tired now. i am like mentally exhausted. i dunno why but all of a sudden i just crashed energy wise. i really want to take a nap and i would if my buddy, ashley, wasn't over and if we weren't already up to stuff. i am really drained. that took everything out of me. i had to stand in front of a cop and talk to him and i hate cops... they freak me out. i think my anxiety just shot up and now i am tired from that. i dunno. all i know is i have a feeling it is going to be an early night after we deal with the car. god, i hate being this tired.

my head hurts. ugh. what a day. at least we finally have cigarettes again. that is helping today. after the day i have had i am glad. although the car did die on the way to GET the tubes to make the cigarettes so if i wouldn't have gone i probably wouldn't have had to deal with this until possibly tomorrow or something.

i have been having issues with feeling tired all the time lately. i am not sure why but i am always tired, i keep sleeping and passing out left and right. i am not sure why and it is making me worried and kind of annoyed. between that and my tailbone/ lower back hurting... i am just not sure what to do with myself. i really should set up a doctor appointment and stuff but i just don't have the ambition to even do it anymore.

i dunno. i am so not here right now. i just want to go to sleep but i can't...

love, peace and chicken grease

newest stickers :)

yep, posting some more of the free stickers that i have gotten in the mail lately.

Monday, May 20, 2013

looking into the past

so, today i basically spent the entire day searching online for things i can use in my story that i am going to start writing soon. did a lot of marking of pages about insane asylums and so forth around the 30's- 60's. i haven't decided exactly what time period to have it placed in. but we will see as i do more research about everything. I am hoping to pay off my library fines so that I can check out some books and dvds if I can find any of those or anything. I am going to try to look into every single way that I can do the research and try to make it as accurate as possible. The psych ward part is the major thing that I need to make accurate and depending on the time period I will go from there into where I decide to write the story, the final decisions and everything else. One step at a time then they lead to the details. I am going to try to write this the best way I know how and take it slow but try to stay focused as much as possible.

I have basically be watching tons of horror movies and dramas about psych wards, not matter what time period they are in and just trying to get into the right state of mind. I am going to be doing nothing but trying to surround myself with things like this and trying to do mental disorders so I can define and explain why she is in there other than killing people. I know the basics of what she is going to do but I need to figure out what things she is feeling, seeing and so forth to bring her to the point of killing people other than the plot that she has already been given that I will not talk about yet.

There are a lot of ideas racing through my head about where I want the story to go, what I want the basics to be... but I am not totally sure what I want to do yet. I will take it one step at a time.

Still getting more stickers and random things every day. I am loving it. :) I am so glad I signed up and asked for all the stickers from people. I think I am going to do another list of emails but I need to try to make sure I don't email the same people I have already emailed. That is gonna be the toughest part cause I am going to have to go back through the old emails, I think.

Let's see... anything else to write about? I have officially switched to weekly shots. We will see how the changes come from here. I am going to be keeping everything documented in my shot journal like I have been but I need to make sure I write more in it each time. I didn't take very good records of the first year and I kind of wish that I would have. I know I could have but oh well, gotta start now, I guess.

Well, I am good for now since blogger is being weird.
Love, Peace and Chicken Grease, y'all


Thursday, May 16, 2013

the end of another day

got some more stickers today, again. got a cigar box that i am going to turn into a storage box. i am going to sand it down to be able to put a white primer and then cover it with blacklight paint. it should be interesting. i will be posting the process pictures while i am working on it. 

kat is making pancakes for dinner. i am very excited. ^_^

there are a lot of things happening but at the same time nothing is actually happening. i don't know how to explain it. but i am in the process of starting things again which is probably why it feels like nothing is happening. because it is the beginning part of the process. this is the time i give up because i feel it will never amount to anything. i am trying to stand up to that fear, push myself forward and get my shit together. i am 28 and sick of not being as much as i know i could be. it sounds cliche but i know that i need to get my shit together and i am sick of myself whimping out all the time and just doing nothing about it. 

i am amused at how much i am not a kid person. yet i am a total pet person. i guess i have never really known what to do about kids. i have dated a large percent of mothers verses without kids. and i still am awkward with kids... i mean, i am good with aedan, better than with any other kid i have had in my life other than kayla. i am just not a kid person and find myself highly stressed out and increasingly cranky when around kids. i don't understand why and i kind of am curious as to why i have this issue...

i am going to be trying to get a gym membership in virginia with ashley at the ymca. only thing is driving to virginia to work out is a long way with gas prices going up again... i wish i could get my insurance to just cover 24 hour fitness. it would be great, i could go work out whenever i couldn't sleep or whatever. i could have a work out set schedule. i really wish that i could have a gym membership in our town. i really wish it would work out. 

i didn't sleep last night but i took like a half an hour nap. i really want to go to sleep but at the same time want to hang out and chat with ashley. i know i want to stay up for the pancakes. i mean, come on... pancakes. nom nom nom. i sure do love me some pancakes. they are cakes made in your pan... or something like that. i just love pancakes. ^_^ i have always loved pancakes. i remember as a kid we used to go to IHOP all the time. i miss being able to go to IHOP whenever i wanted. that was great... every sunday we went after church. it was the highlight of my week. i dealt with church so that i could go to coffee hour and eat cookies then IHOP. 

it's moments like that right above that make me realize that i have always had a weird obsession with food. i have always had that problem for as long as i can remember. it is isn't very cool to realize i have been pretty much a fat kid my entire life. i have gone through some good stages where i took care of myself and now i just let myself go over the last 6 years, at least. i wish i could say i tried but i really haven't. i just gave up and didn't care. i don't like feeling that way. i want to get back into feeling better, get back into taking care of me like i used to. doing shit all the time, not letting myself sit and do nothing all the time... get to business doing what i need to do for my art, for my pen pals, for my listia account, etc. i am gonna kick my ass into gear. 

well, anyway. gonna go eat. 
love, peace and chicken grease


the stickers so far

the plan:

the not so cool ones or ones i have a LOT of are going to be on the bottom, the republican thing is going to be covered.

and when i get more pictures i will make sure to post the pictures up of them, as well. :)

enjoy looking at my free sticker collection thus far!

love, peace and chicken grease

the world is created by the understanding and use of words

so, i have decided that i am going to start working on writing again. i am going to work on something fictional right now. i was wanting to do an autobiography but i am going to write something fictional first. i want to finish the whole thing.

all i know so far is that it is going to be a female serial killer. i have an idea of what her motive might be already but not totally sure if that is what i want to stick with.

i have been doing research today trying to figure out some details and information about mental disorders common in serial killers, murderers, etc. i want to be as accurate as i can be in this story. i am beginning slowly and not going to try to burn myself out and lose interest. i am going to be doing my artwork, as well. trying to get some income since people are offering to buy my artwork, especially since a lot of it is going to be going towards my top surgery. i just have to find a way to put the money away so i can't touch it. but i don't want to get another bank account. they just make things difficult... but i may need to. ugh... lame.

i am also in the middle of creating a fake band in order to use for creating a band page to show what i can do, plus just for the fun of it. haha.

i am making a list of things i need to do weekly, things i need to do daily... and posting them on the wall to make sure that i remember to do these things. i am hoping i can start remembering.

we went grocery shopping and got all healthy stuff this time. wasn't even able to get sugar, ramen and some of the other bad foods we normally get. i am thinking this month will be VERY difficult but i think that it will be a good things for me to start changing my habits. we bought a BUNCH of fruit and even frozen fruit to be able to make smoothies and such. i am hoping it all works out and i don't start going all sugar crazy. haha

let's see... still getting lots more stickers in the mail and getting excited to put them on my desk. but i am thinking i am going to try to get a new desk but i am not totally sure just yet. we will see. have to get that desk out and take a really good look at it and decide from there. but i would like a sturdier desk, something strong and will last years! i will be taking pictures of all the stickers again soon. so people can see the new ones and the closer details of the ones that i already have cause i was loading them all on there all chaotic. i keep writing to random places pretty much every day and already have had a few more companies give me a s.a.s.e. address and some already sending out packages. i am stoked about it. :) i love all of the things that i have been getting in the mail. :) kat is getting kind of jealous because of all the mail that i have been getting. i told her to write to some companies and i bet she could get some awesome things, too. :)

well, let's see... not totally sure what all else to write about right now, but i am sure i will get something else in mind to write about. :) maybe not tonight, but i will figure something out.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

life changes round 907

got some more cool things in the mail today.

had a generally pretty good day. went to my endocriniligist appointment down in duluth and was able to get my testosterone injection dose upped and now we are doing them weekly instead of every other week, which i think will be a lot better. now i just have to get on some trails to try to figure out this whole getting top surgery thing. see if there are any options for getting covered by insurance, if not... try to find ways to start raising money, including selling things, selling artwork/ tattoo designs, etc. i have to find ways to do it. i want to be able to go down to dr. garramone in florida so it might be a bit pricy. but if i am going to have to pay for it out of pocket i am going to go to the best. he is the top surgeon in the field right now, so i am really hoping that maybe we are able to do that. i have talked to kat about possibly taking out a loan or something but we will see. one step at a time. first we need to see if maybe my insurance will cover something.

let's see. i am thinking i am going to make a video tonight after i drop kat off at work. she is going to work at midnight so possibly after that. i really need to make a new video. bad. so, we will see. i will figure out how i feel when i get back. i am debating a few things but i should really work on that. i wish i knew what ever happened to my camera stand cause it would bt cool to paint under blacklight and record it all happening and then fast forward it in video... hrm... maybe i could figure out a way to do it... i will try to think about this... that could be fun!

i will have to leave this up or something to make sure that i remember that i wanted to do that. not sure if i will do it but it could be fun! :D i am in the middle of doing the background for something so i could either work with that one or start over with something. hrm... not sure yet. we will see what i feel like later.

the one i am working on right now, i wish i had black paint pens like i used to because that would come in SO handy at ts point. bah. i miss the days when i had those all the time in high school and was getting them for free from mr. domeqc. i always used them and i loved them SOOO much. they made outlining things much easier than trying to do it the other way.

i might do some writing soon. i am thinking about setting myself a schedule of doing certain activites for certain times of the day. making myself wake up by a certain time and going through a schedule like when i was in treatment. maybe find some online groups during certain hours. possibly. we will see. but i want to set aside at least an hour for art, an hour for writing, once a week a video, working out at least every few days until i can work out every day without killing myself. set certain alarms on my phone. literally FORCE myself to get into the habits that i need to be in. work out a diet and stick to it by shopping and only getting things that will fit into it but allowing a little bit of wiggle room for when i have dinner with the family. lunches should be healthy, same with breakfast. and cutting back slowly on the amounts of what i am eating and try to eat slower.

i am trying not to do too many things at once but i feel and think that i do it this way, it will help. and i will force myself to be accountable. because i will allow myself to do something good if i do the things i don't like to do. like, i can only go online if the dishes are done. or i can only play on the xbox if the living room is at least decently clean and organized. try to figure out things like that. i think it would be really good to do things like that. my therapist would agree for sure.

i just want things to get better. if it is not HUGE that is fine, i have to be happy for the little things. baby steps are how one gets to big steps. you have to start somewhere, you have to start small or you will fall. well, that is the case for most people but anywho...

things right now are going pretty well though. nothing major happening but TRYing to stay positive... keep my head up even when things don't go as well as i want, if i eat too much, if i mess up and forget to do something... i need to try not to get overwhelmed SO fast. i know it is a part of my borderline personality disorder BUT i want to at least say that i am trying to get better, trying to make things better. i feel as though i have backslid a bit and i don't like that. i dunno if i will ever get to where i was before in my life but i really want to try. and to get healthier. that is my main goal. to feel better, not be a loner in the apartment all the time, try to live a somewhat more organized life and try to socialize more outside of the apartment. even if it means just going to sit at a friends house insteat of having everyone come here all the time. that is what happens here other than with our friends AJ but he lives across the street. haha

so i am getting more stubble when i shave on my mustache area. here comes the creepy mustache. haha. i dont think that i will EVER have a mustache cause they weird me out but who knows, maybe at some point i will have one for a bit. along with a mullet. lmfao. sorry, i doubt i will ever have a mustache.

i really need to get my hair trimmed up. i am growing out the top but i really need the long stuff in the back gone and the sides. bah.

man, i can't stop yawning and stretcing for some reason. i may have to sleep a little while kat is at work. weird... we will see. haha. just take it as it comes, i suppose.

well, gonna go for now because i am going to be bringing her to work shortly.
love, peace and chicken grease.


28 and counting

so, had a pretty awesome birthday other than the fact that i was passing out around 2pm... on the couch. i had been awake for about three days and couldn't sleep the two nights before and all of a sudden my body just said, it is time to sleep. NOW.

i am still getting at least one sticker per day in the mail. i am loving it. i hope that this keeps going but i know it won't for very long. but i sent out another email to a handful of companies. i really should be keeping track of these companies... that way i don't end up writing to another one more than once. it will probably happen, too. i am sure it will.

trying to force myself to do things. i didn;t want to do the dishes but i made myself do some. not all of them but some of them. normally i would have just walked away or something and ignored it until kat ended up doing the dishes. i was proud of myself. i am trying to keep doing things like that.

i dunno. kind of a.d.d. and tired. so gonna write more later.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

a copy of my countdown to my birthday [2013]

as promised, here is a random thing about me for day 19. there will be a random thing posted every day until my birthday. some things people may know who are close to me, some no one may know... 

i was in ballet from the age of 3-13. i was in ballet, tap, jazz, modern and baton. here is one of the pictures i was able to find for you to laugh at... ENJOY

i was born Megan Lynne Kilgore. i am an only child, an only grandchild for my grandfather because my mom had a different father than the rest of my aunts and uncles.

i have a weird love for redheads. whether they are guys, girls, animals, etc. some of my favorite actors and actresses are redheads. some of my favorite redheads are:
Marg Helgenbergerkate winsletJulianne MooreSusan SarandonGeri Halliwell,Bernadette PetersAnn Margaret, Conan O'Brien, Nicole KidmanGillian Anderson,Lindsay Lohan [before she went all cracked out and crazy and shit], Isla Lang FisherAmy AdamsEmma StoneWillie NelsonDavid CarusoSeth GreenMichael C. Hall [yeah, a natural redhead believe it or not], Danny Elfman [to most amazing composer... has been involved in pretty much EVERY tim burton movie...], Adam SavageAlan TudykDamian LewisPhilip Seymour HoffmanLouis C.K.Bette MiddlerRupert Grint!!!,Simon PeggTilda SwintonReba McEntire, Kathy Griffin, Zack Ward, Carol Burnett, Debbie Reynolds, Frances Fisher, JUDY GARLAND, Amy Yasbeck, Annette Bening, Alyson Hannigan, Gates McFadden [who was my first ever crush] ...

there are a TON more but i am going to leave it there cause there are already three of these. haha. but, like i said... 
i ♥ redheads... not sure why... but have my entire life

some of my favorite movies are:
ELF, pitch perfect, shaun of the dead, the high school musical movies, the wizard of oz, a star is born [the judy garland version], pretty much anything tim burton, smiley face, the toy story movies, hedwig and the angry inch, fear and loathing in las vegas, breakfast club, donny darko, all the batman movies, house bunny, sucker punch, reefer madness [newer one], the alien series, THOR!, chicago, grumpy and grumpier old men, mean girls, the cell, a bunch more...

i have been to college twice. once for my generals and once for graphic design. i failed out the first time adn the second time i was going to take a break because i was working overnight at a group home and couldn't stay awake during the classes. but, i learned a lot of good things from the short amount of time i was in college and it has helped me in my artwork and also in knowledge of psychology :)

i was in all advanced classes until i was in 5th grade. then i was put into classes at my grade level. by seventh grade i was supposed to fail but i was moved from washington to minnesota and they let me go to the eighth grade... and i failed the eighth grade. i was 19 when i graduated... and i BARELY graduated. i am pretty sure they graduated me cause i was annoying them. lol

i have had animals all of my life. i have had cats, dogs, ferrets, rabbits, rats, hamsters, asian dwarves, a salamander, frogs, fish, and lots of stuffed animals. i love animals and my mom does as well, which is why i was raised around animals and have almost always had an animal in my life. they make my life so much better, give me laughs, snuggles, love, make me accountable for something and someone... i love them. even though they like to destroy things..

i have eczema. i also have one leg longer than the other, one foot a half a shoe size bigger than the other, my one arm is longer than the other and my hair grows faster on the same side, as well. i have depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized high anxiety, and ptsd. i have a bad back and hip due to my leg being longer than the other and my large chest [EE cups].

some of my favorite random things are:
unicorns, phoenix, glitter, batman, zombies, hello kitty, rainbows, blacklights, glow-in-the-dark stuff, bracelets, drawing, writing, laughing, coloring, stickers [particularly bumper stickers, skateboard stickers, etc.], neon colors, sock monkeys, squirrels, jelly fish, seahorses, christmas lights, halloween, snuggles, british accents, fuzzy posters, listening to music, playing my guitar or drums, octopus, my teddy bear people that i draw, buddha, moonstone, opal, opalite, being creative, tattoos, piercings and a ton of other random things

i used to write poetry and short stories all the time. i am in the process of trying to work on that again. i wrote poetry, journaled and wrote stories since i was about 9 and stopped around the time was 21. i have about two 3 inch 3 ring binders full of my poetry and writing, plus all of the random journals that i have written in [about 7]. writing and art are the biggest things in my life. 

i dislike having my picture taken, pickles, mustard, sour kraut, mushrooms, olives, peppers, coconut, almonds, wide ruled paper, when my favorite pens die, getting nothing but junk mail [that is why i am a pen pal with a handful of my friends], misplacing things, running out of cigarettes or having cigarettes and no lighter, forgetting what i am saying in the middle of what i am saying, reading out loud, my chest, when my cats dart of the apartment, wet socks, forgetting someone's name hat i KNOW that i have meta few times, being broke, the doctor's office, hospitals, clinics, shopping in stores during the day, working fast food, car trouble, criticism [which is a part of my biggest flaws], running into walls/ doorways... and a TON more...

i have been pen paling since i was about 12 years old. i love writing letters and getting letters in the mail. yes, we have facebook and email and everything but i like the old fashioned pen and paper letters. it's much more personal and i feel you get a different connection. i have always had at least one pen pal since then. sometimes i end up with about 10, which i think is about how many i have right now, but i always manage to keep things in order for the most part. 

i collect batman things, anything with the green three eyed aliens from the toy story movies, zombie movies, pens and other things that glow under blacklight, stickers [bumper stickers, band stickers, skateboard stickers, etc], squirrel things, sock monkeys, glittery things, bracelets, hats, movies, gel pens/ pens that write really nice, i used to collect journals... not sure why... and a bunch of other random things. but i am trying to cut down on the things that i collect and try to stick with a few things since i have an obscene amount of things... 

i have a weird obsession with handwriting. i wanted to go to school for graphology, which is the pseudoscientific study and analysis of handwriting, especially in relation to human psychology. i like to read and analyze peoples handwriting. i don't know a whole lot about it but i have always been fascinated by how different everyone's handwriting can be. i have been known to change my handwriting over time. sometimes i like to do it just for a change but i like to be able to see how different i can make my writing and see if other people can tell if it was me. 

my dream job since i was about 12 years old was to be an creative director. i would like to be able to design cd booklets, posters, handouts for bands, stickers, patches... it would involve brainstorming with the people i am creating for, creating a theme, helping to create an artistic style for the band or singer. i would work to focus on what would appeal to audiences but still represent who i am working for. there are lots of ways you could be a creative director... television shows, movies, band things, book covers, music videos, video games, advertising, films, music, fashion and much more. but i have always wanted to do things for bands. things like stickers, tshirts, cd booklets, cd designs, patches, logos for the bands, etc. that is my IDEAL job.

i am fascinated by skeletons especially in xrays. i sometimes google xrays and just look at the human body like that. i am always amused with the ones where people et things stuck inside themselves. whether they get something stuck in their throat, in their butt, in their stomach... i find xrays amazingly interesting. i don't know much about the human body because i never took anatomy but i still am amazed. 

i come from a large family on both sides. my mom has 6 half siblings and my dad has 5 siblings. each of my aunts and uncles [other than one] has a minimum of 2 children each. i am the only only child in the entire family. on my mom's side of the family i am the youngest cousin by about 14 years while on my dad's side i am the oldest by about 7 years. i have no cousins near my age. 

i have always wondered what it would be like to have siblings. i have a step sister who is the closest to that but we haven't talked much since we were both in high school and now that i am transitioning she doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, so i have adopted some of my friends as my siblings :)

i am afraid of success. for so long in my life, knowing i have some talent, i have held myself down from really dedicating myself to the things that i love, the things i could get money for and the things that are actually liked by other people. for some reason i have always had issues with ruining my chances at things, like procrastinating so much that i miss deadlines of things, writing things down but never in the same place so i lose track of all the things that people want me to do for them. 

i am hoping that i can push myself through this issue of not allowing myself to succeed.