Friday, June 12, 2015

123 things about me

1. Birth name: Megan Lynne Kilgore
2. Born in: Bath, Maine
3. Name I go by now: Aiden Eugene Willows
4. My phone is: an LG Access LTE
5. Eye color: green
6. Favorite animal: cats, tigers, squirrels
7. Ring size: 9
8. Height: 5'5"
9. I am allergic to: lidocaine, fresh cut grass, brain nuts, lactose
10. I was born on: May 1st
11. I am annoyed by: overly hyper children that never calm down, dead markers, pens running out of ink, being overly warm
12. Some favorite musicians of mine are: Ryan Adams, Jessie J, Rob Zombie, Michael Buble, Jimi Hendrix... a bunch more
13. My bed is: where I atemot to sleep
14. One thing I don't like about yourself: my chest
15. I sleep on my: everything
16. At the moment I am thinking about: the kid needing his meds
17. The last person I went to the movies with was: my dad and Kat
18. My favorite holiday is: halloween
19. My current hairstyle is best described as: easy to deal with
20. The last cd I bought was: G-Eazy
21. The last movie I saw in the theaters. The Avengers: Age of Ultron
22. My siblings include: my step sister
23. Yesterday I: was busy
24. Who makes me laugh: my animals
25. Last show I watched: american horror story: coven
26. What I don't understand is: my step son
27. The most unsatisfying answer I've ever received is: i dunno.
28. Something I really miss when I leave home is: my kitties
29. The thing I'm looking forward to the most is: my top surgery
30. People call me: aiden
31. The person(s) who know(s) the most about me is/are: me, kat
32. The most difficult thing to do is: love myself
33. I haven't gotten: a good night sleep in forever
34. I HAVE gotten: annoyed lately
35. The first person I talked to today was: my kat
36. My first crush was: logan crane in 1st grade
37. The one person who I can't hide things from: is myself
38. Last time someone said something I was thinking: calm yourself
39. Right now I am talking to: little aedan
40. My dream job is: an art director
41. My first job was: an assistant in our community ed office in high school
42. My favorite authors are: r.l. stine, james dashner, steven king...
43. I have had these pets: cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, gerbils, rat, rabbit, asian dwarves, salamander... i think that's it
44. I can still see: my dog's butt
45. The worst sound in the world is: mass amounts of people and children crying in them
46. The person who makes me cry the most is: no one really
47. Best sound in the world is: hearing i love you and that it's not my fault i can't fix everything, oh and thank you.
48. Who makes me happy: my pets, kat, my handful of good friends
49. Favorite foods: hummus, rainier cherries, cotton candy, cous cous, cheese pizza with white sauce, spinach and feta.
50. Favorite piece of clothing: my gym shorts and tank tops
51. Favorite color(s) are: lime green, hot pink, bright purple and anything neon
52. My friends are: very random and mostly online
53. My computer is: basically a dvd player at the moment without internet
54. The last person I got mad at was: my roomatr
55. My favorite place to eat is: subway
56. The all-time best show is: american horror story, the oblongs, strangers with candy
57. The all-time best feeling in the world is: being able to do things and afford things when we want to do them. Being able to go on dates...
58. Favorite scent: cake, cotton candy and garlic bread
59. What color is your hairbrush: black comb
60. Favorite shoes: white canvas shoes
61. I lose all respect for people who: abuse animals or children
62. My favorite tv channels: chiller, animal planet, discovery and syfy
63. The worst pain I was ever in was in: getting glitter in my eye
64. Best Memory: surprising my mom for mother's day, art.classes in high school, valleyfair
65. Favorite TV show: american horror story
66. Favorite stuffed animal: mr bojangles my sock monkey
67. My greatest fear is: drowning, burning to death, bugs and small spaces
68. My weakness is: cats
69. My first concert was: weird al yancovich
70. My last concert was: michael buble
71. One person that I wish I could see right now: my grandma rose
72. I am: watching toy story 3 and trying to not be annoyed by aedan without his meds
73. A random funny thing that makes me laugh: cat videos
74. The following things are on my bed: pillows, blankets, Kat's notebook... that's it.
75. The last thing I ate was: chocolate covered cranberries. Like three of them
76. My favorite candy is: cotton candy, yogurt covered raisins, chocolate.covered gummy bears, anything gummy
77. My favorite flower is: white oleander
78. My biggest addiction is: collecting stickers
79. Some people say I am: eccentric
80. I never leave the house without: my phone
81. My biggest celebrity crush is: marg helgenberger, julianne moore, johnny depp
82. Favorite Director: tim burton
83. Favorite part about being an adult: being allowed to stay up as long as i want and sleep in
84. Least favorite part of being an adult: bills
85. Something random and interesting about me is: i was in ballet for almost 9 years
86. My childhood idol was: dolly parton and peewee herman
87. My favorite kind of vehicle is: one that works
88. The one place I want to go before I die is: england
89. My favorite concert I ever went to: michael buble
90. I would describe my mental state as: you never know...
91. My favorite mythical creatures are: Phoenix, unicorn, dragons
92. My favorite day of the week is: saturday
93. My favorite kind of baked good is: cake
94. My favorite meal of the day is: dinner
95. My favorite breakfast food is: chocolate chip pancakes
96. My favorite dessert is: cake
97. Something I love that most people wouldn't expect is: i honestly don't know
98. My biggest daily annoyance is: binder...
99. Right now I REALLY want: my moobies gone
100. I went to ___ schools k-12: 7
101. When I hear the word false I think: hope
102. If I had more ambition I would do this every day: clean around the house and do my artwork
103. My favorite condiment is: marinara sauce
104. A musician I used to not like but now love is: katy perry and miley cyrus
105. Odds, evens or don't care: odds
106. My favorite symbol is: pot leaf, pentagram, plaid
107. Something I learned a lot from in my life was: art comes from everywhere in many forms
108. My favorite type of music is: rock, rap, big band, techno
109. My current relationship status is: engaged
110. Type of computer I use: laptop
111. My longest relationship was: 3 years
112. My favorite kind of accent is: british, australian, scottish and irish
113. My favorite summer activity is: bonfires, night walks, being able to wear shorts!
114. My favorite winter activity is: staying warm
115. Some of my favorite actors are: johnny depp, julianne moore, sandra bullock, brad pitt, uma thurman, morgan freeman
116. My least favorite celebrity is: paris hilton, kim kardashian
117. My favorite cartoon character is: the aliens from toy story
118. My favorite super hero is: batman, thor.and.captain america
119. My favorite villian is: loki, Ursula
120. I have never: been skinny dipping
121. I wonder why: i am lactose intolerant
122. Something I wish I had the guts to try because I think I might be good at it is: be a full time artist
123. My current favorite song is: don't have one

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

another entry

         So, I have been wanting to write for awhile but now that I am writing I am not sure what all I wanted to write about. Oh, first I finally finished The Maze Runner. I had already seen the movie so it made it a little tough to read through but there were enough things different to keep me interested in reading further. I finished it and started reading the next book and by the end of my reading day I had made it over halfway through The Scorch Trials. I am loving this book even more than the first. I am loving this series.
         I have been winning a lot of free books from this website that I am using and I have decided that I am going to read them. I was originally going to sell them or something for some money but I may just read them and if I like them I will keep them. Why not? I mean, I have already won 5 books, an audio book and an e-book. It is awesome. I am loving it. I am hoping that is with reading more I will find more interest in writing again. Which, I know that blogging more often is going to help to get juices flowing. I am actually debating on doing writing prompts again just to get myself going. I hate them but I obviously need it.
         I am going to be starting a therapy art group. I am not sure what to expect but I am hoping it will get me back into my artwork. I miss being able to use my art for anything. Even my pen pal letters are just black ink and that is it. Half the time I write in cursive since it is faster. I mean, I have basically given up.
         Speaking of which, I am getting another anti-depressant added to my med list. We are hoping it will help just a little bit more. The anti-depressant that I am taking works a little bit but obviously not enough so hopefully adding this will help more. I am just sick of sitting in this stupid spot forever.
         I am starting pen paling again. One through mail and one through email plus one of the old ones for mail. I just got so lazy lately. I have to fake it til I make it.
         Oh, also... so I was without a phone for about 5 days and couldn't get ahold of anyone other than through facebook and I realized how few people are on facebook often. I really need to try to lay off the facebook. But, I found another one and was about to fix it up... then it died so I had to go back to my phone I had about 5 years ago, the LG Optimus S. The screen is so small for my thumbs. It is funny but so weird. I am just happy to have a phone so I am able to get ahold of the people that I need to, which is pretty awesome. So, may not be that great but it is something and at least it is better than being stuck with a flip phone.
         Haha, I bought a CD the other day. Yes, literally bought a CD at the store. I really like this rapper G-Eazy and I saw his cd for 9.99 and I couldn't pass it up. I really like him and his style. I have been listening to him and Mac Miller off and on lately. White Rappers. Haha.
         Well, not totally sure what else to write about at the moment so I am going to go try to do some writing. See what I can come up with, if anything at all.


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

i'll take the stairs, elevators are for cheaters.

So, I have been pushing a little better. My food stuff is not going well but I will start working on that soon. I am taking good steps. I didn't do a whole lot today but I did do a few things. I need to do more tomorrow. My plan is to make sure I do better every day. And it is bound to happen that I will fall or give up shortly. I want to push through that the best that I can by trying to keep the routine the best that I can and force myself to BE instead of just sitting in one spot. I want to be able to say I went somewhere at least a few times per week. Whether that is going to therapy, going to the grocery store, going to a friend's for like an hour, going to get medicine, going to the doctor, etc. I want to FORCE myself to do the things that I have the hardest time doing. I want to push myself to do the things that I am afraid of. Obviously the things that are going on in my life aren't making things better. I have been on the same road for far too long and obviously I need to make some changes in order to make things change.

So, baby steps up. If I fall I stand strong and then restart with baby steps. There is no race. There are no competitions on who is the best transguy, who is the best step father, who is the best fiance, who is the best pet owner... I need to find that thing about myself where I feel strong. I am thinking about starting up a affirmation journal again. Make myself write at least a page of positive things about myself. I would do one of typing but I think making myself hand write things works better. I just have to get myself to do it. I stopped doing my pen paling for awhile and am trying to get back into that again. I just sent out a letter the other day.

I am trying my best now that I have my medications back to push a little harder than I have over the last few years. I have just let myself be lazy and was just OK with it and I don't like that I have become THAT guy. I am working hard to make sure I am not that person anymore. It is going to be really hard to do but I am going to do my best to make sure it happens that way.

We did something tonight I wasn't looking forward to. We gave away two of out ferrets to another home. We had 8, which is insane. We now have 6 but we can't find #6. So, now we just have to find the hiding ferret somewhere in the apartment. We have searched everywhere and are completely stumped as to where he could be. But what is bad is that we have no idea how long he has been missing. I am hoping we find him before it is time for bed because it is already almost 1 am. I am not sure how long I will be able to stay up but I know it won't be forever. :crosses fingers:

I am thinking that I am going to try to take more pictures this summer and in the near future. I have a great camera. I should just go for walks when it isn't too slushy or too cold and just take pictures. Look at everything around and take pictures. I miss doing that. I like taking pictures more in the summer though because the weather was easier and the extra stuff is easier to carry. I really hope that I can get the car reliable so we can go for little trips and I can go around taking pictures like I used to. I love taking pictures. I am not sure why I stopped. I suppose, never leaving the house only gives you so many things to take pictures of. That is the same problem on instagram, I think.

Let's see. I am switching back to weekly therapy. I am thinking this is going to help with me leaving the house at least once every week but not only that I think it will help be more direct and healthy way to deal with, Get the chance to let her get to know me more so she can help me better. I will do whatever I can to help make this work because I am sick of living this life the way that I am. I know it can be better and I will do anything to help make it better. It just may take me a few times trying it.

So, my plan is to design a few sticker and tshirt designs and price out how much they will cost. Then from there I can somehow gather the money to get the start up cost and start selling them, save the money up for my top surgery then after that save the money and donate money. I am not totally sure how the whole business side of it works. That is why I am trying to think about making friends with other trans people or people willing to help with the ideas that can help. Then I just need to figure out how to do my personal art things but honestly, I think doing something for others will help give me more of a push towards the things that I was to make. Since I would have to force myself to make something if it was a job or something I got myself involved in. I would have some kind of pressure or a deadline. I would just be a freelance artist. I keep thinking about submitting my art for tshirt contests and stuff but I don't know how I feel about giving up the rights for my own art. I just don't know.

Well, I am thinking that is going to be the end of it for now. Peace out to anyone who reads.


Monday, March 2, 2015

I feel a change in the wind, my friend...

Alright, so there are some pretty interesting things happening for me since I have written last.

I recently purchased a gc2b binder and have never been happier with a binder. I got the right size from my guess and the first time I tried it on I was so happy. It is FAR more comfortable than the other ones that I have used over the years. And it actually wasn't expensive, which is even cooler to me.

Then I got packing briefs finally and too many failed attempts at making my own. I love it. I feel much more comfortable when I go places. I am loving being able to use my packer. I have had it for over a year and had never used it in reality.

And in other news, we did some grocery shopping and I grabbed a ton of fruit and some healthier things for me to eat. I am trying to make plans to make things work better in my health. I am trying to eat a little less and better. I had to stop my cholesterol med cause it was having issues with my liver. So, i am doing things to deal with that.

I forced myself to fill out some paperwork, wrote a letter, did some reading, did some laundry with Kat, cleaned a good quarter of the room... I am trying to figure out things to keep me going. I will write more in awhile. I am going to try to help get Aedan ready for bed.


Monday, February 16, 2015

...Oh my god

So, while I have been sitting here listening to music and watching music videos on YouTube I am watching more and more videos and realizing how much older I am getting. I mean, I listen to so many types of music I never know where my music mood will take me. So, today mine has gone into the pop category. I had on Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd - Really Don't Care. I started looking at the age of the fans in the videos and realizing And if that didn't make it bad, I ran across a song and the girl looked really young and I looked up and it said she was born in 1997 and then I read... AGE 17!! holy shit, I am getting old. What is going on????

I guess I am not the only one who is feeling this. And honestly, every single person goes through this at some point. I honestly knew it was coming and I am excited to age but it just came along so much faster than I thought it would.

I will be 30 on May 1st and honestly, that makes me think about what all has happened in my life. I mean, we already went through that many years. It is just crazy to think about. I will be back in awhile to finish my thoughts but I need to publish this since it has been sitting here for awhile alright.


-A Eugene

Thursday, October 2, 2014

American Horror Story: Freak Show

I am SO beyond excited for this season. I was always scared of clowns and I am taking it back and using to be more twisted. I am still freaked out by the 'cute' innoicent looking ones... and mimes. i hate mimes.

so, yeah. I have been getting back into my horror stuff a lot more. I have decided that I am going to try to get back into my writing and get to my horror series. so there may be some stuff randomly posted. Any and all thoughts will welcome.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

another day like today...

         Today is one of those days where things just would be better if I could go to sleep. It's late enough in the day that I could just go to sleep and I would if we didn't have little man here. So, I am going to be open for a more hours... so I figured I would try to do something that would help me in some form. I am going to blog and maybe do some writing after that. I don't know.

         I am sick of not having money but not being able to do a whole lot about it. I know there are some things that I can and should do but for some reason they never seem to get done, I forget to do them and/ or it becomes so complicated I shut down.

         I haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile and I won't be able to until I go to enough of the groups that I need to go to in order to get back into my therapist. I need to go. I need my therapist. I haven't been able to go since before my grandmother passed away... and now more than ever I really need therapy. My brain feels like it is on emotional overload. I am sick of being in this spot that I am. I need to set up a doctor appointment for the med doctor, as well. I am going to see if they are willing to give me sleep meds like they wanted to last time, still. I am sick of not being able to go to sleep and stay asleep. I am so sick of not being able to function all day because I am so tired.

         I am so ready to shut down and restart tomorrow. Sometimes I know that is the best option when I am having bad days. I am basically out of cigarettes and anything else that will help. I am so annoyed with feeling like I can't help because I have nothing to help with other than watching Aedan but now that he is in school it gives me the ideal time to work on my artwork and writing, cleaning the house and so forth but I never have the energy or desire to do anything anymore. It takes so much ambition to even take a shower. I hate when my mind gets this way. I am ready to shut down and I almost feel like I need to escape but what from? It's not like I have major responsibilities or anything. I don't do anything here. Half the time when I should be doing things I don't because I get too overwhelmed. Rather than facing the issues I freak out and shut down. Half the time that means I fall asleep. Yet no matter how much I sleep I never feel rested. When I sleep less, I don't feel rested... when I sleep a long time, same thing. When I sleep in the middle... no matter what amount of time I sleep I am never rested. Kat is pretty sure that I have sleep apnea or something... I dunno.

         My head is just... overwhelmed. So many thoughts... so much confusion, pain, heartache... I just want to be done with the day but I have to stay awake. One of the weird things about being a parent, even if a step parent. I hate not being able to lay down on days like this. Any other day I would be able to do it if Kat were home but she has been working a lot of extra hours and extra shifts so she is asleep on the chair next to me. I let her sleep when she crashes. I normally get the extra sleep when she goes to work or if she is home and Aedan is here. So I try to let her have the extra sleep whenever she can get it. But as soon as she is up and Aedan is getting ready for bed I am going to go lay down in bed, take some melatonin... see if I have any old sleep meds left or take a few ativan... I need to make sure I sleep. I wish we didn't have Aedan this week so I could just sleep until this passed. That would be really nice, to be honest. We don't even have an alternate babysitter in case I need to go somewhere or have a day off or something. We really should get onto that sometime in the near future so in case we ever get the money to go on a date together we could just call the sitter. It would be easier than having to worry about getting up in the morning and so forth. :sigh: I am hoping that we can put him to bed early cause he fell asleep in school today. He won't like it but he isn't used to getting up so early in the morning to go to school.

          I guess that I am going to go for now. Gonna have him start to get ready for bed soon.

                                          Aiden Eugene